Episode 3 of series 1, originally shown on 6^th May 1990.

Bertie’s Uncle George is rather in the Aunt Dahlia mould – a good egg who lands Bertie in hot water. Lady Wickhammersley on the other hand is carved out of ice and is determined that none shall enjoy themselves under her roof.

Bertie is fortunate (or unfortunate) enough to run into Bingo Little during another of his regular infatuations. This time it is a bar maid called Myrtle. We also get a fairly long look at Oofy Prosser – a character who is all over the series and the books but who rarely (if ever) actually gets involved with anything. He blames the Drones' cues for his own abysmal snooker playing.

Aside from one decisively timed intervention, this episode’s problems are not caused by spirited members of the fair sex. Indeed, Lady Cynthia does nothing at all despite her being rather spunky in the books.

"I’ve entered Bingo in the eighty yard dash for mature gentlemen."
"I think sir that when the organisers used the word ‘mature’ they were in fact using it as a euphemism for ‘elderly’."
"Quite – so obviously starter’s favourite."

Bertie has had an urgent summons to see his Uncle George. He finds him in the dining room of his club where he explains he can’t eat much at lunchtime owing to his stomach lining.

He asks what was so urgent and his uncle asks him where he gets his ties from. This is just a prelude to Uncle George eventually announcing that he’s getting married. To someone much younger than himself.

Bertie goes home to tell Jeeves the news but Jeeves already knows. Not, however, from Uncle George – Jeeves knows the girl. Her name is Rhoda Platt and she resides with her Aunt, a Mrs Wilberforce, also an acquaintance of Jeeves.

He attempts to quote the poet Burns,

"The rank is but the penny stamp."
"The guinea stamp, sir, the poet Burns was writing at a time…"
"Never mind the poet Burns, Jeeves."
"No sir."
"Expunge the poet Burns from your mind."
"I have already done so, sir."

Aunt Agatha is round to see Bertie in double quick time. She wants Bertie to go and see the girl to offer her money to end the engagement. It worked for the bar maid at the Criterion thirty years ago. She gives him a cheque for £100 and sends him on his way. He tries to protest that it never works out like that in books.

"If it’s not troubling you too much Bertie I should be greatly obliged if you would stop drivelling."

He goes round to East Dulwich to see Mrs Wilberforce (who is so common and lower class that she has a large house and several servants). Bertie is mistaken for a doctor and shown Mrs Wilberforce’s knee.

The misunderstanding is cleared up with chuckles all round but Bertie is told he can’t see Miss Platt as she’s ill. Aunt Agatha is not happy when he goes to give her the news.

"But dash it Aunt Agatha…"
"Kindly do not use that sort of language in my presence."

Bertie – fearing another humiliation and dressing down – goes to find Jeeves on his night off and ask him to come up with one of his plans.

The great man doesn’t let him down – Mrs Wilberforce intends to continue living with her niece after the latter’s marriage. If Uncle George met Mrs Wilberforce he might have second thoughts. Though she is a decent sort of person, she is definitely "of the people." So if Bertie were to invite the pair of them for lunch…

Jeeves explains how he came to know Miss Platt and Mrs Wilberforce. It seems Miss Platt used to have an understanding with a friend of Jeeves’s but broke it off when Uncle George started paying her compliments. So if Uncle George and Miss Platt were to split up, it would do Jeeves’s pal a good turn.

"He would consider it a consummation devoutly to be wished."
"That’s rather good, Jeeves. Is it your own?"
"No sir – the swan of Avon."

Mrs Wilberforce arrives and delights Jeeves with her over-friendliness.

Bertie offers her a cocktail but she declines. She learned all about the damage cocktails do to you when she was a barmaid. Many years ago. At the Criterion. Even Bertie does the maths on that one.

Uncle George arrives and instantly recognises the girl he lost thirty years earlier.

Aunt Agatha goes round to Bertie’s club to break the good news – Uncle George is going to marry Mrs Wilberforce instead. She wonders whether it is the Essex Wilberforces or the Cumberland Wilberforces. Bertie mutters something about the East Dulwich Wilberforces but she doesn’t hear him, thank goodness.

Bertie takes Jeeves to task for his blunder but he explains that he knew that Mrs Wilberforce was the barmaid from Uncle George’s past. He felt it was the best outcome for all concerned – his friend is reunited with Miss Platt and Uncle George can marry the woman he loves. It will however be necessary for Bertie to make a quick getaway from London and the surrounding area as Uncle George is taking Mrs Wilberforce to meet Aunt Agatha that very afternoon.

Luckily they have an invitation to Twing Hall for the village festivity. Unluckily, the lady of the house is not pleased that her husband has just lost a wing of the house in a game of shove ha’penny. A substantial sum had to be paid to keep the old hall in their hands and she’s banned all gambling from Twing.

And that includes the guests.

He runs into (and nearly runs over) Bingo as he’s driving through the village. Bingo introduces him to the loathsome Steggles.

"I’m going inside – all this fresh air is getting into my lungs."

Steggles is making a secret book on the village sports day. But with Lady Wickhammersley so anti-betting at the moment, the syndicate have to meet in secret to agree their strategy.

Cynthia – Lord and Lady Wickhammersley’s daughter – follows Bertie and catches them at it.

"Rupert Steggles thinks you’re forming a syndicate."
"What rot!"
"Can I join?"
"Absolutely!"

The following morning an animated Jeeves finds Bertie and tells him exciting news. He knows the winner of the choirboys handicap – despite his rotund appearance, Harold the pageboy at Twing is a certain winner. The syndicate wants proof before any large scale investment so they lie in wait for Harold to do something naughty.

They see his turn of speed and Bertie immediately rushes out to put twenty pounds on Harold to win at 18-1.

They all go out for a spot of golf together and Freddie Widgin explains his technique.

"The secret I’ve always found is not to close my eyes until I’m almost at the top of the back swing."

Bertie runs into some trouble when his ball lands somewhat out of reach.

"What a ridiculous place to leave a tree."

Things get worse however when Steggles catches Harold hitting stones with his clubs and chases after the boy. He soon discovers that he is a flier and that Bertie is going to win some serious money at the sports day. Luckily, he is able to bribe a fellow chorister to put a beetle down Harold’s back during Sunday service and get him kicked out of the choir.

Steggles gloats after the service that Bertie has lost his money as the race is only open to members of the choir whose voices haven’t broken before the second Sunday in Epiphany. Bertie and Bingo are appalled.

So the syndicate relies entirely on the tobacconist’s wife in the sack race unless… Bertie has a plan – he’s entered Bingo in the mature gentleman’s dash and despite the short odds he’s convinced they can take Steggles to the cleaners. A hundred pounds on Bingo to win and hang caution.

"Faint heart never won... lots of money."

The fete is underway and everyone is having a jolly time. However, Steggles has taken it upon himself to bribe the favourites for the married couples three legged race. The swine.

He feigns a pulled muscle just short of the finish line and Bertie can’t believe it. The inhumanity.

But things are about to get worse – Steggles has taken the tobacconist’s wife to the refreshment tent and is plying her with cake and ice cream. Not the sort of thing an athlete should be eating before the big race. She collapses with stomach ache half way through the race and the syndicate is doomed.

Their last shards of hope rest with Bingo but what if he loses?

"You can’t possibly lose – your youngest competitor is 65 and his bunions were playing him up this morning."

Just when Bertie things his day can’t get any worse, Uncle George and Maudie Wilberforce turn up in the first aid tent. Their visit to Aunt Agatha’s did not go well so the fled into the country where she couldn’t find them. They go off to find the vicar and get the banns read.

Meanwhile, Jeeves introduces Bingo to a girl called Beryl. He is instantly smitten.

Its race time and Bingo’s competitors are warming up. Bertie is watching from the tape, the crowd are cheering the competitors on and Bingo races into an early lead. What can possible go wrong?

A shout from Beryl is all it takes for the smitten Bingo to crash to earth with a smile on his face. The race is lost, the hundred pounds is lost, the syndicate is bankrupted.

"How could he lose, Jeeves? That chap who won, Charlie Bembo, was old enough to give Bingo’s grandmother the glad eye."

But there will perhaps be some small moral victory – Lady Wickhammersley has discovered Steggles’ activities and confiscates his ill gotten gains to donate to the church roof fund.

As Bertie is reliving the agony yet again, Jeeves reveals himself to be on friendly terms with Beryl – the cause of the recent disaster.

Jeeves comes clean – he asked Beryl to cost Bingo the race because Myrtle was the sort of girl who would more readily sympathise with a gallant loser than a glorious winner. However, that is now a moot point as Bingo has transferred his affections lock, stock and beryl (sorry) to his new love.

"Where the fair sex is concerned, Mr Little is quicker out of the gate than even I had imagined."

But tish to anyone who thinks Jeeves bankrupted the syndicate just for Bingo. He couldn’t bring himself to place the bet on Mr Little after all. Instead he placed the lot on Charlie Bembo at 15-1. Further more, he collected their winnings before informing Lady Wickhammersley of Mr Steggles’ activities.

Bertie is overcome. Jeeves has done it again.

The business of Uncle George and Maudie Wilberforce comes from "An Indian Summer of an Uncle" from the collection "Very Good Jeeves". Steggles and the crooked village sports day is taken from "The Purity of the Turf" from "The Inimitable Jeeves".

Bertie opens the episode with a semi improvised performance of "Goodnight Vienna" – you city of something or others. He is overwhelmed by the cleverness of writing a song about saying goodnight to a whole city. You might as well – he suggests – sing "Good Afternoon Manchester" or "Fancy Bumping into You Basingstoke" or "I Didn’t See You at the Club Last Night Cleethorpes".