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Air date 3 March 1972 Exotic locations France. Just generally.
Glamorous women A dolly photographer...
...and a bikini clad house maid.
The fashion plate He complains about being freezing even in that enormous fur coat. I bet the pack of animals he took it from found it quite adequate.
I really don’t like that jacket. It’s subdued but nasty.
...and his manly chest He wheels out the old dressing gown and chest foliage while reading one of his books for research purposes I’m sure.
One day he’ll get a dressing gown that fits properly. I hope.
Chapter... France. This man is an assassin and a weirdo. We know he’s an assassin because he’s got an assassin’s gun in that leather assassin’s pouch. We know he’s a weirdo because his room is full of pictures of bodybuilders and he has a large collection of Jason King novels.
He also has a rabbit and talks to it like it’s a teddy bear (which would be rational – similar conversations with a bunny are not).
Now I wonder who this young lady is taking photographs of?
That would be Jason King. He’s moaning.
She asks him to smile. He does. I hope she asks him to stop.
The assassin is in the same fun fair and apparently there to kill Jason. He’s our star so I should be more bothered.
He’s a rubbish assassin as he misses. He then tries to have another crack but Jason and the dolly photographer are long gone.
The swine was so confident he’d successfully shoot Jason to death that he let Jason’s tires down as a precaution before definitely succeeding in his task.
Back at Chez Jason the dolly photographer tells him to phone the police. Jason refuses.
Instead he deliberately annoys her by listing yet more ways (I think this conversation began some time earlier) in which women are inferior to men.
Jason says he won’t phone the police because he’s got to think the matter through. He is about to start when a guest start pops up from behind a piece of furniture. It’s TP McKenna.
He brings news from the underworld – he’s a crook – that there is a 100,000 franc contract out on Jason’s head. Jason is appalled. It’s not enough for a man of his standing. It’s barely two months’ royalties.
Jason swaps Rene’s phone number for one of his books. Rene – for it is he – seems pleased with the transaction.
Ah ha – a clue. Jason was burgled last week and he’s sure now it was Rene who did it. At any rate, whoever the thief was took down details of Jason’s photo shoot and thus the rubbish assassin knew where to find him. Diabolical ingenuity.
Jason is so being worked – Rene and the rubbish assassin are in league and the phone number he gave Jason is part of some scheme or other.
Jason phones it.
While he does so his miscellaneous lady friend comes in with a smile, a quip and a wiggle.
The dolly photographer is appalled.
The phone number belongs to Cyril Shaps. He’s the man organising the contract. Jason makes a date to meet him.
Then his cleaning lady comes out in her uniform. I’ve so got to become a bestselling novelist and move to the 1970s. It looks awesome.
But it’s not all bikini clad lovelies – he’s something for the straight ladies and gay gentlemen in the audience. It’s the rubbish assassin with his shirt off. He’s trying to be like his bodybuilder photos. It’s not working.
Damn – Jason’s plan to pretend to be an assassin, meet the man behind the contract and sort everything out hasn’t worked. Cyril Shaps knew it was Jason and phones the assassin to tell him their scheme (some say ruse) has worked like a charm.
It appears – and the man is weird so who knows what the truth is – that there is no contract. Just a rubbish assassin with a bunny and biceps fetish who wants revenge on Jason for something that happened a number of years ago.
Meanwhile, Jason is saying goodbye to some friends who are doing him a favour of some kind. They’re keeping us in suspense about what it is.
Oh no – the dolly photographer is crying because Jason isn’t Mark Caine. Well, we’ve all shed a tear about that one, love. But we have to make do with what we’ve got.
Hey – I was smart. I realised the significance of the air-out-of-tyres thing at the same time Jason did. They didn’t mean to kill him at the fun fair so there is more to this than a mere contract. Jason King is almost as clever as I am.
The rubbish assassin – who isn't now rubbish and may not be an assassin and must henceforth be known as the nutter – explains to Rene that he kidnapped a girl, Jason was supposed to pay the ransom but instead called in the police and had him banged up. I’m not sure what Jason did wrong there – surely a kidnapper must know his job involves a certain calculated risk. Sadly, the ransom money was never seen again. He thinks Jason knows where it is. Hence not emptying Jason’s head of blood when he had the chance.
It seems the earlier men were giving Jason a large box to hide in. It’s obvious now I say it.
Jason is nailed in, takes a swig of his oxygen supply and mediates for a few hours in comfort.
The removal men at Cyril Shaps’ storage facility use the rolling method of moving crates. Over and over it goes. Jason’s people make to intervene but then shrug their shoulders and go off for coffee like all working class people in an awkward situation that won’t directly benefit them financially. Guv.
Sucks to be Jason.
Especially when one of the nails ruptures his feather pillows and he gets covered in down. Chuckle.
While the nutter wanders round the storage facility looking for the best spot in which to be insane and vengeful, Jason is struggling to get out of his box.
Eventually he makes progress. He looks not unlike a Quark.
Cyril hears a noise and goes to investigate. He asks if anyone is there, gets no reply, sees a cat and assumes – using faulty logic that is obvious in hindsight – that the cat made the noise and that the same cat didn’t reply to his question.
He finds Jason’s crate and shoots it. Nothing happens so we must assume Jason is elsewhere. Or dead. They didn’t do blood in ITC shows so he might’ve been shot without leaving any stains.
Jason is waiting for Cyril when he gets back to his office and makes to phone someone. Jason wants to know about the contract.
Cyril tells him everything he knows in exactly the way you would expect a character played by Cyril Shaps to go to pieces under interrogation.
Jason finds the case the nutter left behind. He shoots the lock, is amazed it works and finds it is full of handcuffs and other kinky toys. Jason is aroused.
Meanwhile, at Chez Nutter, Rene is asking him how much it cost to get his horoscope done in such detail while the nutter reads one of Jason’s books. This episode is full of pointless and slightly scary details.
Ah ha – another development. The nutter has found a bit in the book which he thinks tells him where the missing ransom money must be hidden. He doesn’t need Jason after all. The only snag is that Jason told Cyril Shaps that he didn’t know where it was so how could he have made a reference to it in a novel?
Jason goes to see the doctor who was involved in the kidnapping case. He’s taping the entire conversation by the way. He asks the doctor about the case but the old man doesn’t remember much.
The doc goes over some old transcripts. One of the two kidnappers said on his deathbed that "Jason King knows" and that the money was hidden "in a thin band of air". Jason says that would be a very good title for one of his books. Or an episode of his TV series.
That evening, Jason, the dolly photographer and a family friend are going through Jason’s books looking for anything relevant. Jason is enjoying the experience while the family friend seems to be giving serious thought to using that lighter for a healthier purpose than smoking.
They talk about the different ways people concealed money in Jason’s books. He rattles off a few and is picked up by the family friend who says the last one was in an Ian Fleming novel. Jason is a bit cheesed off as it was a really good one.
The nutter has decided it was hidden as uncut diamonds in the bottom of a fish tank because that’s what was in Jason’s most recent (as yet unpublished) tome. He finds a fish tank and goes a bit nutty.
We’re back to Cyril and that boring warehouse. The nutter finds Cyril tied up at the hands of Jason King. For the first time his horoscope has let him down. It said absolutely nothing about a charming character actor being chained to a radiator.
Cyril tells him Jason has outsmarted him. The nutter takes it badly and pushes Cyril onto his own desk spike. The spike has spoken. Cyril is no more.
It’s turned into a not very good version of Treasure Hunt as the gang – including this family friend who still hasn’t been identified – looking through books for clues. The dolly photographer decides to call the kidnapped girl to rake over old wounds and see if she remembers anything about her ordeal.
I have a feeling Jason will handle this one personally.
No – he sends the dolly photographer along. Maybe he’s hoping to broaden her mind in preparation for a weekend away in the Alps, just the three of them with nothing to do but snuggle up for warmth. Possibly on camera.
Ha – finally he's worked it out. While on the kidnapping case he talked over a plot with one of the kidnappers. The book was never published because it didn’t work but the kidnapper who died – see earlier case notes from the doctor – was very helpful with it. It was about someone who robbed a bank and hid the money... eureka.
The dolly photographer has finished getting nowhere with the kidnapped girl and is on her way down in the lift when the nutter gets in. It’s either a small world or this conspiracy is bigger than I thought. My money is on the small world hypothesis.
He waffles her and cops a good feel while taking her outside to be used as the hostage in a rerun of the half million franc kidnapping affair.
Yeah – you go girl. She doesn’t want to be in some twisted rehash so she twats him and runs off.
Oh no – the kidnap girl was in on it all the time. I’m disappointed. I thought more highly of her.
Jason has found the money. It seems the kidnapper (the one who died) had a large box of envelopes and simply put the money in one of those. That’s a bit rubbish isn’t it?
Jason sends his chum home with an affectionate stroke. Hmm – maybe there will be four people in that Alpine retreat after all.
The kidnap girl explains that her father left her nothing so the money he paid for her ransom is rightfully hers. That’s kind of twisted logic but I’ll go with it.
They force the dolly photographer to tell Jason she’s in the warehouse (she isn’t) and Team Jason springs into action.
At the warehouse the two adversaries finally come face to face.
The nutter lets Jason sit down in Cyril Shaps’ office and explain the clever bits of the story. It’s a pretty stupid story so it doesn’t take long.
Ok, I’ll give them a mark for a slight twist. The kidnapper who took the money (i.e. not the nutter) converted the cash into platinum wire. He then bought 5000 envelopes, cut the wire into little bits and put a bit of wire into each envelope. Voila – how to hide half a million francs.
The nutter admires his late colleague’s ingenuity.
Jason’s chum was sent round to the house where the nutter was keeping the dolly photographer and he takes care of Rene just as he’s leaving to pick up the envelopes. The kidnap girl hears a noise and goes to see what it is.
It’s justice – that’s what it is.
Rene is forced to phone the nutter and give him a fake message.
He thinks he's won so he decides to celebrate by attacking Jason with a bike chain. A fight breaks out.
Jason thinks he has the upper hand. He doesn’t.
Huh? The nutter is distracted at the crucial moment by Cyril Shaps not being quite dead yet.
That’s all the luck Jason needs. He whacks the nutter with a bit of wood and everything is sorted out.
The next morning they’re both in dressing gowns. Discussing the case naturally.
Jason reveals the BIG EXPLANATION~! "A thin band of air" was a mishearing of the actual dying words of the man who hid the wire. He actually said "A thin strand of hair" because that’s what Jason was going to call the book they’d been discussing. It’s so obvious now.
...and verse Not a good episode. There was no real mystery to it, the whole kidnapping thing seemed to be poorly explained and the ending with Cyril Shaps not being quite dead was pathetic. I found it hard to keep going because none of it seemed to quite make sense. Unless I missed something really important, we never knew why Jason was involved in the kidnapping case in the way he was or why any of those involved acted in the ways they did. Only the girl – the kidnapped one not the dolly photographer – seemed to actually make logical sense. So all we had was a pointless appearance by TP McKenna, a nutter who seemed to hate Jason for no really good reason and a resolution to the mystery that was silly rather than clever. Don’t bother watching this one – it has absolutely nothing to recommend it. Score out of five
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Jason
King
