We left Flash Gordon lightly smouldering under the heat death ray of the Tree Men of Mars. Will he succumb to the burning hot rays of the sun or will he roll slightly to one side and escape?

Blimey – I didn’t see this coming – they’ve added some extra footage during the recap. Dale Arden has scuttled over to the recently landed rocket ship and might be about to do something useful. Or just faint when she realised she has bosoms.

The rocket ship takes off. This can mean one of only two things – either Dale has been captured or she knows how to pilot a rocket ship and since she gets captured every week and women aren’t able to fly rocket ships it is almost certainly the former.

Some Tree Men are appalled.

Yipes – she’s actually flying it. Dale Arden is flying a rocket ship. If she can find somewhere easy to park she might be able to save Flash.

Two and a half minutes into the episode and we return to Flash climbing the unconvincing tree. This entire episode may be made up of what we didn’t see last week leading up to the cliff hanger. How very Steven Moffat.

Everyone is getting in on the act – Dale’s flying a rocket ship, Happy is beating up guards. If Doctor Zarkov smiles I’ll know I’ve been sold a fake Flash Gordon DVD.

Happy spots Flash being gently toasted and is appalled.

He uses the ray gun he pinched from the guard to blow the heat ray up.

Flash is a bit weary but basically ok.

There is a mad comedy dash for the temple. Flash in the lead, followed by several hundred midgets with big hair, Zarkov and Barin bringing up the rear and all observed from on high by newly qualified rocket ship pilot Dale Arden.

Dale has worked out the bombing controls and starts dropping bombs on all and sundry.

Dale is pleased at the carnage she has unleashed.

The bomb did the trick – it managed to kill all the savage midgets and leave our heroes unharmed.

They burst into the temple. A fight breaks out.

Flash grapples with a priest who is trying to get the black sapphire to safety. Does the man not realise that they should give up their sacred relics if an Earth man asks for them? Anyone would think their religion was a proper one.

Ladies and gentlemen – the black sapphire.

Flash and co escape from the sacred temple with the sacred sapphire and find Happy involved in an ethical dilemma as to which of the savages to shoot first.

For no obvious reason they decide to tie these particular savages up. Every other savage has been bashed in the face or clobbered into unconsciousness.

They are running to "get back to Dale" (who is in the air) when Happy is hit in the back by a dart of some kind.

They see Dale coming into land the rocket ship. Flash hasn’t noticed that Happy has been wounded.

Happy collapses. Zarkov says they should take him to the Clay People. Because, obviously, being made entirely of clay they are experts in flesh wounds.

Another alien salute – full bend, hands joined as though glued together, care should be taken when doing this salute not to lower the head until the glue has dried.

They request an audience with the King. He takes one look at Happy and says "Awww – too bad".

Happy is taken to "the healing vapours" – a steamy plastic chamber which men made entirely out of clay would have no use for.

Flash shows the King the black sapphire. He is delighted.

The King says it will take two or three days for the vapours to do their work. He suggests Zarkov stay behind and look after Happy. Zarkov is appalled.

Flash and Barin take the train to Azura’s palace.

This is a train for lovers who scowl at each other.

They arrive at the other end – the terminus is right under the palace and Azura’s people now know about it – and they are met by some Clay railway workers who are obviously just standing there in enemy territory on the off chance some bowing and scraping will be needed.

They are shown to the steps which lead to the listening post in Azura’s throne room.

They listen.

Azura is going to personally lead the search for Flash Gordon. Our Queen isn’t that hands on. Imagine if she’d announced she would be personally leading the search for Bin Laden. That would be ace.

Blimey – she’s good – she’s found him already.

She tries to use her magic to escape.

It fails. Flash shows her the black sapphire. Azura is appalled.

Azura is taken off by Barin to meet the Clay People.

Meanwhile, in Ming’s laboratory, a man is arsing about.

Ming is shown a specimen of Nitron (which is a liquid this week). It isn’t pure enough or some such nonsense.

Flash evades capture and goes looking for the laboratory. Clue – it’s behind you.

How cute – Ming is hiding behind the triangular window.

Flash wheedles information out of Ming’s sidekick, unaware that it’s all a big trap.

Flash is shown into a room. While his attention is diverted, the sidekick grabs something large and metallic.

He throws it at Flash and knocks him out.

Flash is locked in whatever the hell that room is.

Ming switches his neon signs on in celebration – he’s got Flash just where he wants him.

Flash gets a golden shower.

Great balls of fire! (again)

"Nothing can save Flash Gordon now!" cackles Ming. He really does. It’s not a joke or a cliché or anything I’ve made up. It’s actual dialogue that someone was paid to write and someone else was paid to say.

Flash is dead.