Flash Gordon's Trip to Mars

We left Flash Gordon unable to leave his rocket ship just as said rocket ship was about to plough into Azura’s rocket ship. Flash was about to become Crash (not Corrigan) as he’d been flung to the floor and left for dead.

This week, we discover that our eyes played tricks on us – what LOOKED like Flash Gordon being thrown semi-conscious to the floor was ACTUALLY Flash shooting the door off its hinges with a ray gun…

…and jumping through it.

Derren Brown and his powers have nothing on the clever visual techniques they knew in the 1930s. It’s obvious now I see it again. This…

…is quite plainly this…

…from another angle. Damn cunning.

Meanwhile, back on Mars, the Clay People reign their human shield in now the attack is over.

Flash and Zarkov sneak into the Clay Caves in an attempt to rescue Happy and Dale. They observe a Clay Person waiting for his train.

Train~!?

This subway apparently leads into Azura’s palace so the Clay People can spy on her and get the local goss.

The Clay King believes Flash has betrayed him. Happy speaks up for Flash but the King holds no truck with Happy’s rhetoric. He tells Happy and Dale that they will turn to clay if they stay in the caves and that they ain’t leaving until Flash brings them Azura.

Flash and Zarkov decide to go to Azura’s palace via the secret train. They trick the clay-brained guard and steal into the carriage.

They race through the tunnels in what can only be described as an intimate vehicle. This is a train for lovers.

Flash and Zarkov get out of the train and spend a few moments being baffled by everything. They just stand there not knowing anything.

Luckily they find a ladder.

Even more lucky, the ladder leads directly to the very part of Azura’s city which they wanted to get to.

A fight breaks out.

Who on earth is that in Flash’s clothes?

It wasn’t him.

Flash dumps the bodies of the unconscious guards down into the monorail cave. Which is great on so many levels – it was quite a way down so they will almost certainly be killed and if they aren’t, they’ll know the secret location of the monorail and Flash’s escape route will be lost.

Zarkov hilariously ties one of the prisoners up using his own cloak.

It is time for a deep moral dilemma. Azura’s lab only has a very small amount of Nitron left. To save Dale and Happy, Flash is planning on giving the Clay People a supply of Nitron so they can fight back against Azura. The only way to get more Nitron is for Flash not to destroy the beam which is drawing Nitron from Earth’s atmosphere, causing floods, earthquakes and hideous quantities of death. For Flash the choice is clear – saving Dale means sex, saving the world only means the possibility of sex. He’s saving Dale.

Zarkov explains to Flash that the Nitron has been drawn through space on its way from Earth to Mars and that in doing so it has become radioactive. Little does he realise that Richard and Judy are watching them on the science channel.

The televisor makes that strange noise that televisions do in these old serials and Flash is alerted to the fact that they’ve been overwatched.

Flash leads Auzra’s guards on a merry chase. This is his master stroke – make them think he’s gone through the open door even though he’s actually gone through the window.

Flash tricks the guards into the room and locks the other door so now they’re completely trapped. Apart from the window.

Meanwhile, Zarkov is being scientific in the lab. He’s solved the problem already.

He’s built a paralysing ray. Flash says to try it out on him, Zarkov insists Flash try it out on him. Why not find a passing Martian and shoot him instead? But its fine – the effect is reversible if you reverse the flow of atoms. Phew.

Flash is zapped with the paralysing ray and is rendered as wooden as Commando Cody.

Pity the Zarkov. His timing is as bad as bad can be – having paralysed Flash, he is grabbed by Ming’s guards and the ray gun taken away for questioning.

They switch off the paralysing ray and Flash is left as stiff as a board. Or is he…

Flash grabs the ray gun, paralyses Ming and his guards (Azura escapes using her Queenly magic) and they race for the tube train.

But they open the hatch and find the tunnel has been filled with deadly gas.

Azura is cross and orders that Flash and Zarkov be "stopped from the air". She doesn’t know where they are or what they are doing but she orders air strikes. She’s like George Bush in a frock.