And so it begins again. We’ve had enough Dick for the time being – let’s blast off into space and find ourselves something otherworldly and action packed. Nothing says "action packed" quite like…

Starring the redoubtable Larry (Buster) Crabbe as Flash…

…the petrified Jean Rogers as the petrified Dale Arden…

…the Richard and Judy of interstellar evil – Ming the Merciless and Queen Azura…

…the constipated Doctor Zarkov and a new character whose name is "Happy" and who I assume is the moron character every serial seems legally obliged to have…

…the return of the Timothy Dalton character from the Queen film and a man made entirely of clay for reasons which will be explained at some point I’m sure.

Now, let’s get on with it. I assume that having found a girlfriend, Ming will have decided to settle down and become a benevolent ruler only interested in the safety of his own people. Destruction and conquest will be a thing of the past now he’s getting the sex from a hottie.

Or not.

A rocket ship is approaching Earth. Or going away from Earth. It isn’t easy to tell. The radio masts and beeping with the latest technology – something big is a-happenin’.

Why it’s big news – the Mayor has finalised his plans for the building programme. Hurrah!

The message is broadcast to eager millions around the world. Flash, Zarkov and Dale are back from Mongo. Which, we must assume, means this serial carries on immediately from "Flash Gordon"

HERE THEY COME~!

Dale’s hair has changed from…

…to…

…during the voyage. This is why humans can’t have landed on the moon in 1969 – their hair would’ve changed colour from the space radiation and it didn’t so they can’t have so there.

Zarkov orders Flash and Dale to fire the "retarding rockets". This is a retarding rocket about to be launched. It would land on the ranch of the Bush family and do exactly what it says on the tin.

They are coming in to land – Flash and Dale hold on to some wall mounted handles. Flash puts his spare arm around Dale’s waist because it is safer and cheaper than building real chairs.

Flash lets Zarkov go first, just in case there is danger.

The press go to town.

The American public let them know what they think of sexist journalism.

Zarkov is rewarded with an MTV special "Zarkov Unplugged".

As he’s belting out hits such as "Aliens undoubtedly possess more advanced technology than us" and "I can’t rule out the possibility that we will be invaded by monsters", an unnamed planet is sending out a beam of light.

Which hits the Earth. Fortunately, off the coast of Africa which is no where near the USA so that’s ok.

The beam of light becomes all bendy.

And hits someone working in a mine. Is this a natural phenomenon?

NO~!

Wait – this is the man who was hit. He’s not a human being. He’s some guy from the pilot episode of Star Trek.

Maybe that was Earth – there is a jet of steam coming out of the ground and now buildings are falling down. Bloody Ming.

A montage of chaos follows. Then we get more headline goodness.

The President’s council of scientists has a lot of theories, none of which agree and all of which are worthless because Zarkov is the only scientist who knows what he’s talking about. Will this man have the answer? I doubt it.

The press huddled in a corner, taking notes and wearing hats.

The President orders the press be removed. Either the sergeant at arms is very small or this particular hack is very tall. The hack also has a light bulb where his unmentionables should be.

The hacks wonder why Zarkov hasn’t been invited to the meeting. The hack on the left says no one knows where Zarkov and Flash are. The hack on the right says he has an idea.

Just a wild guess but…

The hack is told by Flash’s man servant that neither Flash nor Zarkov are at home. The hack tells the servant he has a message from the ambassador of Mesopotamia. The funny little black fellow has never heard of Mesopotamia and, hilariously, can’t even say it.

The sensitive portrayal of an ethnic minority character phones Flash as soon as the hack has gone. But the hack has outsmarted him and listens at the door, noting down the details of Flash’s location. On the plus side, this is the first black man we’ve seen in a serial who hasn’t been carrying a spear.

Dale Arden is standing in a laboratory. I think she’s trying to figure out what happened to her hair.

Flash and Zarkov are up in a plane taking infra-red photos. But the instruments have gone mental.

There is some minor technical fault but Flash, as the hero of a story which hasn’t really got going yet, decides to climb out and fix it at 20,000 feet.

They bail out and land safely. But the winds on the ground play merry hell with their parachutes.

Flash, Dale and Zarkov climb through a barbed wire fence to get away from the hack. But he catches up with them and asks if they’re trying to solve the current disaster problem. Flash casually rests his hand on the barbed wire and says they might be. Just casually, you know.

Hilariously, Flash holds the barbed wire open for the journalist and then lets go – tangling the man in the razor sharp wire. What a funny man. With luck it will sever an artery and he’ll bleed to death.

Those members of the press not placed in mortal danger by Flash Gordon herald the departure of the heroic rocket ship crew.

Flash heard a banging and finds the reporter has survived his practical joke and snuck on board the rocket ship. Maybe he’ll be thrown out into space as another lark.

Destination – Mongo. Now positively identified as the source of the energy beam. Hence the title of the serial – "Flash Gordon’s Trip to Mars". Oh.

In a throne room, the Queen is trying a case. A work man was trying to sabotage her war effort against the Clay People. The Queen is appalled.

The accused is even more appalled. Look at him – appalled from head to toe.

Now – pay attention – this is an important bit. She clasps her chest. Makes an extravagant gesture and…

…he turns into a Clay Man. Because that’s what you do when you’re at war with someone – make more enemy soldiers.

He vanishes in a puff of smoke. More magic from the Queen of Magic.

She can make herself vanish too.

Why did anyone thing that smoke was a good thing to use when doing a primitive jump cut? Its one thing you cannot control so you have smoke in shot one, cut instantly to shot two and the smoke will always be different. I don’t think they wanted it to look any good.

In the lab, the Queen wants to know why the beam – extracting "nitron" from the Earth – is still on. A servant says it was Ming’s orders. The hardware crashes under the strain and a fire breaks out.

Ming walks calmly through the fire. You will recall he walked into fire at the end of "Flash Gordon", apparently to his death. Maybe he is flame proof. That would make sense.

In the rocket ship, Zarkov has been looking out of the window. He’s come to a terrible conclusion – the beam isn’t coming from Mongo – it’s coming from Mars. Hence the title. I knew it had to be right. Someone would’ve been fired otherwise.

In the laboratory, machines are flashing and sparking. This doesn’t look good for the crew of the rocket ship.

The rocket ship is being drawn into the beam.

The beam hits the ship.

The rocket ship spins out of control.

Everyone dies.