Flash Gordon Conquers the Universe

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You wall no doubt recall that Flash Gordon was dressed as Father Christmas and had jumped down a crevice (some say ravine) to save his clumsy friends from the fiercest army of wacky, novelty, jerky robotic men yet imposed upon an otherwise intelligent serial.

Flash tries to hit the wacky robot with a spade but it counters with some ELECTRICITY~!

There is an explosion as the wacky robot is blown to bits. Is Flash dead?

Hell no – he paid attention to the pre-serial safety drill and rolled out of the way as the stewardess had indicated.

The watching brush-heads give a summary of previous Flash-Dale-Ming encounters for those few lucky souls for whom this is the popping of their Flash Gordon cherry.

The wacky robots – called, unless I’m imagining it, annihil-a-trons – take Dale with them as they jerkily march back to the ship. Hoorah – Ming will have someone to rape this evening. Lucky old Ming. No more old movies for him tonight.

Barin and Zarkov notice that the wacky robots have got Dale. They are appalled.

They blunder in to try and save Dale. I don’t think it’s going to work. Call me a pessimist but a bearded bloke in a fur-lined miniskirt is no match for two wacky robots and their gift of electricity.

Zarkov is captured by the wacky robots. His show of resistance is shorter than this sentence about how long his show of resisted lasted has lasted.

Meanwhile, Flash is still waking up. Notice the attention to detail – some chewed spades and a lone robotic arm. War is hell – write that down.

On board their comical space ship, the brush-heads explain that Flash is dead. Dale and Zarkov are appalled. One third of Earth’s defence force is no more and the remaining two thirds have had their morale dented quite badly. The purple death will take us all and no one can stop it.

This episode is tricky to follow because all the blokes are wearing those grey hoodies except Santa Gordon. The one I thought was Barin – chap in the middle, mud about the face to suggest a noble but unsuccessful struggle – tells Flash that the wacky robots have got Dale and Zarkov. I think everyone now knows everything they need to know for the action to really kick off.

Flash makes a bold and borderline heroic decision – he loves Dale and Zarkov dearly but what are two lives compared with everyone on Earth? He will get polarite to the human race and then come back for Dale and the other one. This is a good move – it means we get a couple of episodes of interstellar haulage before returning to running around and punching people. No, hang on, it’s a terrible move. We want punching.

Meanwhile, on Earth, good news is given to the mob and some CLAPPING~! is dubbed over the footage of shuffling mobs of angry people who are obviously not clapping.

Flash’s rocket ship wobbles into the stratosphere and he radios his Pops to say all is well, the Earth is saved and he might need a new assistant and a new best friend on stand by because his are about to be molested to death by the biggest pervert in the galaxy.

The Earth’s leading scientists are delighted at the bunch of unscientific nonsense Flash has just blown in their faces. Even the guy with the sinister beard who should know better.

Flash’s rocket ship complete with enough boxes of polarite to save the world. He’s about to drop it on a mountain top because that will cure everyone. Apparently.

Just look at all those people queuing up to be saved.

That’s lucky – when Zarkov built his rocket ship all those years ago, he handily put in a special hatch so things could be poured out of the rocket while it was in flight. He is truly a visionary. Or maybe it’s the onboard lavatory. I hadn’t thought of that. Yes, that’s probably been pissed down a few times by Flash, Zarkov and Dale. And worse. No wonder Flash is letting his mate do the dirty work.

He’s sprinkling the polarite as we speak. That is one well-dusted mountain.

The previously happy science community hears that Dale and Zarkov are prisoners of Ming. They are appalled.

Another day, another lap dance for Ming the Merciless. He must’ve bought some Viagra while Mongo was in range of Earth’s corrupting influence.

Ming greets his prisoners with a sneer and a taunt about how dead Flash Gordon is. He wants Zarkov to tell him what it was he squirted on everyone’s faces when they landed in Frigia. I think Ming wants to conquer the inhospitable North. The Tories once had a similar scheme but it didn’t work for them either.

The brush-heads fly back to Frigia to capture Zarkov’s rocket ship. But lo – they find it flying around when by rights it should be on the ground, everyone being dead et cetera – and panic ensues.

Flash uses the smokescreen to make the evil ship think they’ve been hit. I think Flash’s plan is to capture the Ming ship and fly it back to Ming’s palace. Which is ironic as the baddies’ plan is to capture Flash’s ship and fly it back to Ming’s palace. Why not just agree to swap ships and everyone gets to go to Ming’s?

It’s cold in Frigia. So cold that men cannot survive there. So cold in fact that men stand around and tell each other how cold it is rather than hurrying along to wherever it is they are going. That’s how cold it is – even common sense has frozen solid.

Flash lays a trap and the brush heads walk straight into it. Flash is alive – they are appalled.

The baddies arrive back at Ming’s palace…

…SWERVE~! It isn’t the baddies under those masks – it’s Flash and his generic accomplice.

Flash’s cunning ruse lasts two and a half seconds before the guards sent to meet them hear the real Captain Torch shout for help and a fight breaks out.

Flash says not to kill the two guards as that might alert people to their ruse. Instead, they run off and let the guard release the real Captain Torch and raise the alarm. Flash is cocking this rescue attempt right up.

Meanwhile, back at the festivities, Zarkov has been tied to some not very convincing rocks for Ming’s amusement. I suppose they don’t have lampposts on Mongo.

Dale is, needless to say, appalled.

Flash and his generic assistant find themselves wandering aimlessly around the palace. Come on Flash – you’ve been here oodles of times. You must know where Ming hangs out when he’s got prisoners to play with. Think man. When the clock reaches eleven, Zarkov is going to be destruction-ray-ed to death.

God Flash is a lucky bugger. Two genuine guards wander up, stand there and discuss where the Earth man is being executed and what will be the best vantage point from which to watch the fun.