The Final

Here be the fourteen lucky folk already sitting pretty in the grand final. Well they’re in it anyway.

BOSNIA & HERZEGOVINA

"Rijeka Bez Imena" - Maria - 40/1

B&H used to enjoy sending camp ditties to Eurovish a few years back. "In Deee Disco" being one. But last year they came close to victory with an Enya-esque ditty, so have decided to replicate the formula this year. It’s not a million light years from Serbia’s song, so if they’re drawn close together there will be problems. It’s probably on a bit too early for a song of this type, and lacks a real punchy chorus. But it’s got the potential to do well.

SPAIN

"I Love You Mi Vida" - D’Nash - 40/1

Spain have been stuck in a crap rut for the last two years, sending in 2005 a Las Ketchup sound-a-like, and in 2006 Las Ketchup themselves. Neither did well. This is a much sturdier showing in the vein of the brilliant Beth’s "Dime" from 2003. They need to sort their choreography out a bit, and no song has ever won from second place, but I think and hope this should do well for Spain. And the chaps are bound to show their tatties at some point.

IRELAND

"They Can’t Stop The Spring" - Dervish - 50/1

You know, I really can't stand this twee penny whistle infused selection of warthog crap. Stand united against it and pelt them with stones. We don’t need this in our lives.

FINLAND

"Leave Me Alone" - Hanna Pakarinen - 66/1

Finland, the reigning Eurovision champions, have decided to defend their title with… a soft rock offering! Well actually the guitars are a bit louder than some of the other soft rock tunes. The home crowd will scream with delight for this, and it’s a pleasant enough song, which should do well, but I don’t think it’s a winner.

LITHUANIA

"Love Or Leave" - 4Fun - 100/1

Last year’s success came from their appalling sub-football chant "We Are The Winners", which was composed in protest at their poor placing the year before. This year’s is so far in the middle-of-the-road it makes Ronan Patrick John Keating look like a hell raiser. It also seems to have lost its chorus somewhere. Forgettable and lost!

GREECE

"Yassou Maria" - Sarbel - 14/1

Greece have come into form in the last few years at Eurovision. This little number sounds not unlike Helena Paparizou’s single "Gigolo", with which I’m sure you’re all familiar. His vocal’s a bit shoddy, but he’s not unpretty, and this is a Ricky Martin ‘99 style affair, which I don’t think will see Greece on the winner’s podium, but then again it won’t see them rock bottom either.

SWEDEN

"The Worrying Kind" - The Ark - 6/1 (joint favourite)

Hurrah! It’s one of the standout tracks this year. Which is quite right too, because Sweden rarely fail to deliver the goods at Eurovision. This is a retro-glam rock number in the style of Sweet, complete with feather bowers and eye make-up for the lads. If this isn’t in the top three at the end, there’s something amiss in this world!

FRANCE

"L’amour A La Francais" - Les Fatals Picards - 40/1

France have ditched their much loved balladeering and opted instead for a jaunty little number sung in Franglais. It’s likeable, but it doesn’t scream winner. It’s very French. But then it is from France. Though I don’t think they’ll be wearing denim trousers with white socks and black shoes.

RUSSIA

"Song #1" - Serebro - 12/1

Here come three teen-slut electro pop girls from Russia! It’s not unlike something Sugababes would knock out, and I suspect the live vocals will be equally as wonky. But they’ll show plenty of flesh and get a heck of a lot of neighbourly voting love. Expect it to be up in or near the top five by the end of the night!

GERMANY

"Frauen Regnier’n Die Welt" - Roger Cicero - 50/1

Germany did country last year, and this year they’ve gone swing. I hate swing music. I know someone who had a swing band at their wedding and they split up. Anyway, it’s nice of its kind, and quite classy if I’m honest. He also mentions "Posh and Becken", which I think must be a reference to a couple we all hold dear. I doubt it’ll storm to victory though. But I’ve been wrong before.

UKRAINE

"Dancing Lasha Turnbai" - Verka Serduchka - 10/1

Ukraine have gone straight down the novelty route, with a song which you either love or hate. I can see what they’re trying to do, and I suspect it’ll be great entertainment on the night, which will distract from the fact that it’s actually a hardened poodle poo. By this point everyone watching will be a bit twatted and prepared to vote for such madness I suspect.

UNITED KINGDOM

"Flying The Flag (For You)" - Scooch - 33/1

The hometown! Hurrah for Scooch! Hurrah once more! Scooch were the least favoured at the bookmakers to win Making Your Mind Up this year, but romped home. They’ll give a polished performance, and it’s such a joyous little number, I hope and pray Europe get on board the flight and vote for us in their millions! If they don’t there will diva strops from P-Bal. You can bet on that!

ROMANIA

"Liubi, Liubi, I Love You" - Todomondo - 33/1

This is very European sounding, and I don’t mean that in a totally unkind way. But you just don’t hear songs like this here. It’s got that Third Man zither sound to it, and it’s multi-lingual, but it’s not the best song you’ll hear all year. Again, it’s up tempo enough to lure some drunken voting I think.

ARMENIA

"Anytime You Need" - Hayko - 100/1

It’s a ballad in a long dress. Well maybe not the long dress bit because he’s a bloke. But this is Eurovision so you can never be too sure. It’s well placed at the end of the night to round things off and comes after a run of more abrasive sounds, so it might stand out. Not bad!

And that’s it. Remember folks, drink loads but don’t shout racist abuse at the television. Or cry.

I mean, I wouldn’t!

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