Here we go again with P-Bal’s run-down of everyone’s favourite Doctor Who postponing televisual songfest! Once more the contest is divided into two separate shows - a semi final and a final. The final is made up of the ten highest scoring countries from last year, plus the “big four” who contribute the most money, namely the United Kingdom, France, Germany and Spain, and the ten top scorers from the semi-final.

If you want to watch the semi-final, Paddy O’Connell will guide you through on BBC3 on Thursday 10th May at 8pm, whilst Sir Tel is your guide for the final on BBC1, 8pm Saturday 12th May. In high definition apparently. It’s also on radio, but who gives a fook?

As ever, this guide isn’t one hundred percent on target, not least because I know bobbins about the whole thing, but because the performance on the night condems or saves the song. But anyway, it’s all good fun. In the first two parts I’ll guide you surely through the semi-final contestants, and in the third the pre-qualified finalists. Rather than be simplistic and alphabetical, I therefore present the songs in performance order!

I hope you enjoy the flight!

Note that the betting odds are taken from William Hill and are accurate as of Sunday 6th May, but obviously subject to change!


The Semi Final (I)
 

BULGARIA

"Water" - Elitsa Todorova & Stoyan Yankoulov

10/1

It opens the semi-final , and what a way to start! It’s crap. As have been Bulgaria’s previous two entries. It’s a sort of ethnic drumming affair with a screechy wench wailing over the top. Possibly in Bulgarian. At least it means if you miss the first ten minutes, then you haven’t missed anything too exciting.

ISRAEL

"Push The Button" - Teapacks

33/1

No, not the Sugababes chavdisco anthem. This has already caused some controversy, mainly because the song is all about "pushing the button" in a nuclear sense. Not the most politically correct offering, and Teapacks are already causing trouble at rehearsals claiming they’re being discriminated against because of their political message. Or popcorn. It’s a novelty track, and that sadly seems to get the votes.

CYPRUS

"Comme Ci, Comme Ca" - Evridiki

14/1

There are a few French language chansons this year, although strangely France themselves haven’t chosen to sing purely thus. I digress. This has the kind of Sash!/Tina Cousins smell from 2000. Which is seven years ago folks. I can see it going big in the hall, but it’s not an outstanding offering.

BELARUS

"Work Your Magic" - Koldun

7/1

Koldun (like Karkus) is from the same management team as last year’s runner-up Dima Bilan. They look the same, they both sing rock-light formulaic tunes. Geographically speaking, they are in the same area. Therefore using the secret science of Eurovision I think if this doesn’t a) take Belarus to their first Eurovision final, and b) do bloody well for them there, then I know bobbins about the whole lot!

ICELAND

"Valentine Lost" - Eirkur Hauksson

50/1

Last year Iceland send the controversial, but delightful, Silvia Knight. This year they’ve gone, as have a number of other countries, down the soft rock route, in no way trying to copy the sound of last year’s winner. Hmmm. This is one is a solid and likeable effort which grows with a few plays, sounding much like a homebrand version Queen’s "The Show Must Go On". Which is a good thing, honest.

GEORGIA

"Visionary Dream" - Sopho

66/1

A big welcome to Georgia, taking part in the madhouse for the first time this year. If Bjork did a Eurovision song, I suspect it would sound like this. It’s bonkers, experimental, and quite likeable in a weird way. If the visuals and vocals work well on the night, then she could do well. If it looks cheap and she shrieks, maybe not so much.

MONTENEGRO

"Adje Kroci" - Stevan Faddy

150/1

Serbia & Montenegro are taking part separately this year, and it’s a shame that one seems to have knocked together a good entry, the other a pile of camel wank. This is the latter. I mean it’s not completely the worst thing I’ve ever heard, but filing your nails might be a more productive use of three minutes.

SWITZERLAND

"Vampires Are Alive" - DJ Bobo

6/1 (joint favourite)

Swtitzerland have mixed fortunes at Eurovish. This year they have one of the bookies (and fan) favourites. I liked it in a jokey kind of way, but I’m not feeling a whole lotta love. I can see that the pop/horror combo worked last year, and this song is actually about being a vampire, so maybe that’s a good omen. The stage direction owes a bit more to Underworld (the Beckinsale film, not the CSO infused Who story) than to Christopher Lee and is a very polished show. It would be a big upset if this didn’t make the final, but then the same was said about poor Dame Kate Ryan last year. I still can’t believe she didn’t win. One day I shall be over that. One day…

MOLDOVA

"Fight" - Natalia Barbu

40/1

If Kelly Clarkson came from Moldova, she might sound like this. So might Melanie Jayne Chisholm. It’s got that kind of flavour, but Natalia looks in need of a good solid meal.

THE NETHERLANDS

"On Top Of The World" - Edsilia Rombley

150/1

The Netherlands have kind of lost the Eurovision plot. Last year it was three wenches with bongos, the year before a Whitney wannabe. What defined both of those songs, and this, is a sense of the unremarkable. It’s not a bad song, it’s not a good song. If it was on the radio you wouldn’t rip your ears off and eat them. Similarly, I doubt you’d watch this and vote because you were desperate to hear it again.

ALBANIA

"Hear My Plea" - Frederick Ndoci

150/1

I’d rather not, frankly.

DENMARK

"Drama Queen" - DQ

25/1

People often wrongly and disgustingly label Eurovision as "camp". Denmark have sent a forty-something drag queen with a disco storming slice of schlager, complete with key change and feather infused dance routine. Camp? Are you mad? I’m not sure people will vote for this, but it’ll brighten up the final if they do.

CROATIA

"Vjerujem U Ljubav" - Dragonfly featuring Dado Topic

100/1

This is yet another rock light number. Well there are guitars and stuff in it. It’s a pile of poo, of course, but being Croatia, there are plenty of friendly neighbours to push it into the final where it can finish eighteenth.

POLAND

"Time To Party" - The Jet Set

100/1

You know death might just have set in by this point during the semi-final. This is the halfway point, and it’s remarkable just for that. The girl is likely to dress like a right slut, which will be a treat for the boys. And the girls. I doubt this will make it to the final, although they were darn close last year with the far superior Ich Troje.

I shall return…