The draw has taken place, and with all countries having now selected their chanson of choice, P-Bal is going to guide you slowly through the highs and lows of the international musical miracles, somewhat earlier than his usual two days before the event. This means if anyone actually wants to read this article, they can in more digestible segments, and those who don’t won’t. And won’t see this either. But they might have a glimpse at the quick reference guide to all 37 (it was 38 up until a few days ago!) songs which will follow at the end.

A couple of general points before I continue, because my introduction hasn’t dragged on long enough. No way no way. The presenters this year are the delectable Maria Menounos (after Elizabeth Hurley demanded too much cash) and muscled love God Sakis Rouvas, who stripped for third place shaking his booty in 2004. There’s been a change in the voting procedure this time around. With 37 juries delivering points, it’s been decided that running from 1 to 8 and then 10, 12, just takes too much time. Thus, each jury will have their 1 - 7 added automatically, and then announce 8, 10 and 12. It’s proven controversial with fans, but might be helpful in making the point giving a less drawn out affair.

Finally, this guide is slightly marred by the fact that everything can change on the night. The songs will basically be the same, but a good 75% of a song’s success relies on how it’s performed on the night. Wonky vocals and shoddy dance routines can cripple otherwise cracking songs, and similarly some tracks translate better live than they do in the studio.

(SF) means the song must take in the semi-final, and (Q) means it has qualified directly for the final. I shall digress no further, and instead continue with the first batch of entries:

ALBANIA (SF)

Luiz Ejlli - “Zjarr E Ftohte”

Albania are newcomers to world of Eurovision, and thus remain hard to predict. In their debut they stormed the voting with young Anjezah Shahini’s assured performance of “The Image Of You”, but slopped like old fish with a warbly vocal from the prodigiously haired Ledina Celo in Kiev. They’ve gone for a chappie this time, and the track itself is your typical ethnic sounding Eurosong, not dissimilar to the recent Greek and Turkish winners, but marginally less charming. The song will apparently be sung in Albanian which will enhance its chances in no way whatsoever. Cameras seem to be rare beasts in Albania, so images of Luiz are rare things.

ANDORRA (SF)

Jennifer - “Sense Tu”

Andorra had a bad song in their 2004 debut and a likeable number last year performed by a Penelope Keith look-a-like with topless backing dancers with large feathers. Neither made the semi-final, and this rot won‘t either. Go and make a cup of tea whilst this is on. Have a quick poo if necessary. You won’t miss anything.

ARMENIA (SF)

Andre - “Without Your Love”

Armenia makes its Eurovision debut this year, so they’re a completely unknown quantity. The song is bouncy enough with the standard ethnic instrumentation slipped in the backing track, it’s not unlike Albania’s song. Which is a telling fact. They’re opening the semi-final, which is something of a graveyard slot - neither of the previous two show openers (Finland in 2004 and Austria in 2005) managed to progress to the final, so it remains to be seen if there will be enough fans to push this effort into the final. One thing which does seem set in stone is that poor Andre will not be plucking his mono-brow into shape alas. Hopefully he’ll have a jolly headscarf on though.

BELARUS (SF)

Polina Smolova - “Mama”

Last year Belarus fielded the icon sent from Pop Havana, Dame Angelica Agurbash, known to gayers the world over as The Agurbash. She was cruelly denied a place in the final, despite a good three onstage costume changes and a hideously bad vocal. Anyway, “Mama” is old tosh and will make it three failures out of three to make the final. Thus it is written.

BELGIUM (SF)

Kate Ryan - “Je T’adore”

Don’t be fooled by the title. This is no French language ballad. Much like Dame Kylie Ann Minogue’s PWL song of delights, “Je Ne Sais Pas Pourqoui”, there’s only the one line of easily understood Francais. Miss Ryan is a blonde lovely who has had a number of Europop hits around town, so she’s no novice performer, and the track is an instantly catchy bouncy piece of joy which should see her sail through the semi-final, and she’s already a big favourite to give Belgium their second victory twenty years after Sandra Kim’s “J’aime La Vie” gave them their first. There’s heated debate as to whether the unusual leg move in the dance routine from the national final will make it onto the Eurovision stage. If it does, it’s something to look out for.

BOSNIA & HERZEGOVINA (SF)

Hari Mata Hari - “Leja”

Last year’s Bosnia & Herzegovina entry was the delicious camp romp Call Me, squarked out by peroxide harlots with the unfortunate sounding group name Femminem. This year’s choice is the complete polar opposite, with a middle aged male group (I say group, the baldy man seems to be their leader) performing an ethnic sounding (have I used that description yet?) ballad. It’s not unlikeable, and can be best compared to the Serbia & Montenegro entries of the last two years, both of which placed top ten. The principal reason for this being that Zeljko Joksimovic who steered Serbia & Montenegro to second place in 2004 wrote it. Bosnia & Herzegovina have strong voting alliances which will slip them into the final, and I suspect this song will be top ten in the final. That doesn’t make it right folks.

BULGARIA (SF)

Mariana Popova - “Let Me Cry”

Bulgaria is one of the growing lights in the world of property development. Buy land over there now and apparently it will be worth a pretty packet in a few years. Their music industry isn’t quite as thriving. Last year’s debut failed to make it into the final, and this year’s entry seems likely to follow that record. Mariana is a lady with a voice which is a tad harsh, an image like X Factor lost bint Rowetta, and the song is a power ballad, with… an ethnic feel. Smell the woe.