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Part Two
 ISRAEL
SHIRI MAYMON
“The Silence That Remains”
(40/1)
Israel are best remembered for the jovial Hallelujah, the camp Ab-A-Ni-Bi
and the disco destroyer Diva by the unique Dana International. They will
not be remembered for this mish-mash of a ballad, performed as all dull
three minute woes are, by a pretty girl howling her guts out next to a
grand piano. Make a nice cup of tea when this is on. Or grab a glass of
Buck’s Fizz if you’re in the mood. And that’s not a euphamism for Cheryl
Baker’s love muck.
 LATVIA
WALTERS AND KAZHA
“The War Is Not Over”
(33/1)
It’s a pleasant little acoustic strum-a-long, much like the Dutch entry
from last year. And Eurovision traditionally loves a song for peace! I
think this is a quiet outsider, which would have benefited from a later
draw.
 LITHUANIA
LAURA AND THE LOVERS
“Little By Little”
(33/1)
The first time I heard this, I thought it was parp. But it’s actually a
birrova grower. Grower, not growler. And with a strong enough performance
this will do well. They’re also well placed geographically for some voting
assistance.
 F.Y.R.
MACEDONIA
MARTIN VUCIC
“Make My Day”
(80/1)
It’s an odd thing, but I quite like this. Infact my butt does much sway
with the rhythms. It’s all drum machine and Eastern strings, as is the
want of Macedonian entries. It’s nothing spectacular, but it’s a solid
enough effort which should be rewarded with a place in the final.
 MALTA
CHIARA
“Angel”
(10/1)
Chiara came third in 1998, behind the UK and Israel, and she’s come back
for a second go with another ballad. She’s a big bird with a big voice,
and if the power ballad is what draws the votes in then she’s a winner. I
suspect it’s a top ten finisher, but probably not outstanding enough to
win, especially given Malta‘s lack of political allies. But you never know
with the people of Europe.
 MOLDOVA
ZDOB SI ZDUB
“Boonika Bate Doba”
(50/1)
You only ever hear songs like this at Eurovision. And there must be
someone we can thank for that. Moldova are newbies to the contest, and the
people of Europe love a newcomer. Apparently the song is about a grandma
who bangs a drum. Phil Collins?
 MONACO
LISE DARLY
“Tout De Moi”
(100/1)
Surprisingly for Monaco, this is a dull French number, unlike the dull
French number they did last year. It’s pleasant enough, but you have to
question why they bother? Other than to exchange twelve points with the
French of course. Last year about 350 people televoted in Monaco. So if we
want twelve points, Javine should send her granny over pronto. Or maybe I
could ask mine to go over and do some tactical voting for me?
 NETHERLANDS
GLENNIS GRACE
“My Impossible Dream”
(16/1)
Very Whitney Houston. She’s got a big voice, a power ballad, and were this
1993 she’d be my favourite to win. Apart from Sonia. I think this will do
well, if only because she’ll belt it out with gusto and it will definitely
go big in the hall. With the right backing this will land top five I
think. But I’ve been wrong before.
 NORWAY
WIG WAM
“In My Dreams”
(5/1)
Norway did a very traditional Eurovision ballad with rousing chorus and
key change last year. It came last in the final. This year they have put
forward some ageing ZZ Top look-a-likes with a Bon Jovi/Darkness sounding
bit of light rock with an anthemic chorus. I suspect this will either do
really well or die on it’s arse. I’m erring towards the former and think
it is actually a potential winner! And celestially the stars point towards
it, with Norwegian success having been in 1985, 1995...
 POLAND
IVAN & DELFIN
“Czarna Dziewczyna”
(50/1)
It sounds remarkably like it should be on a holiday advert, or at worst
the soundtrack to Carry On Abroad. If I’m honest, it’s bad. It’s damnedly
damned bad. But it’s also very energetic, and is being performed last in
the semi-final, so it might wake everybody up and get a few votes to push
it into the final.
 PORTUGAL
2B
“Amar”
(66/1)
Portugal have had a run of bad luck. And bad songs. This is no exception,
although you can play the game of “Guess which language they’re singing
in?” No winner, and it’ll be lucky to make the final.
 ROMANIA
LUMINITA ANGHEL & SISTEM
“Let Me Try”
(25/1)
Romania always do a solid pop sounding entry, which is inevitably killed
by the desperate and shameful stage performance. The vocal on the studio
version is wobbly, so I suspect the live vocal could be quite painful.
Unless they are propelled through by neighbourly friendliness, I think
this will fall at the first hurdle. But there’s always next year.
 RUSSIA
NATALIA PODOLSKAYA
“Nobody Hurt No One”
(33/1)
The latest in a long line of talentless screaming slappers to appear for
Russia, this is poo. Large lumpy brown poo with bits of sweet corn. Maybe
she’ll wet herself on stage and make the three minutes more bearable for
us all. But it’s a slim hope.
 SERBIA
& MONTENEGRO
NO NAME
“Zauvijek Moja”
(33/1)
Serbia & Montengro were the winners of last year’s semi final and
runners-up on the night, with a deceptively catchy song. They’ve tried to
carbon copy it this year, with diminished results. I can see what they’re
trying to do, but there’s no love from P-Bal for this effort. Even if it
has got mystical drumming and chanting.
 SLOVENIA
OMAR NABER
“Stop”
(66/1)
Stop… If only he would. Even if this gets a miraculous English verse for
the night, it’s still appalling. It’s just noise. Bad noise. Why would
they do this? Why?
 SPAIN
SON DE SOL
“Brujeria”
(40/1)
Spain usually provide a sophisticated number, sung in their native tongue,
which makes a strong showing in the top ten. This year they have entered
three old birds singing a song very similar to Las Ketchup’s eurosmash
from last year. It’ll either go big in the hall or die on it’s arse. Or
else it’ll land on the outer reaches of the top ten, as per their last few
efforts. Have I covered all bases there?
 SWEDEN
MARTIN STENMARCK
“Las Vegas”
(16/1)
He’s possibly the best looking chap this year. Need more? OK, the song
beat off stiff competition from aged librarian Katrina (no waves) and
Alcazar to be the Swedish entry, and it’s different from all the other
songs this year, which I suppose is a plus. Martin usually does rock
music, but I think there’ll be a touch of Swedish campery about the final
performance. I hope it does well, and I suspect it will!
 SWITZERLAND
VANILLA NINJA
“Cool Vibes”
(10/1)
They look like prossies, and quite possibly will sound like prossies on
the job when they perform this one. It’s one of the bookies’ favourites,
and with a bit of tit and hoof on show to compliment the rock vibe, it
could steer it’s way through to the final, thus making up for the shame of
the Swiss entry last year getting nil points. Strangely the four pram
faces hail from Estonia. I pray to Gina G this doesn’t enter the running
to win.
 TURKEY
GULSEREN
“Rimi Rimi Ley”
(33/1)
Turkey have had a good run of success with Sertab’s win in 2003 and Athena
coming 4th last year. Unfortunately this is a bit of a step back and
whilst it’s a rhythmical and danceable number, it’s also a tad dull. It
might be saved by a good stage show, but I don’t think it’s a winner. I
don’t think it’s actually about gay sex.
 UKRAINE
GREENJOLLY
“Razom Nas Bahato, Nas Nye Podolaty”
(50/1)
Their debut in 2003 was rubbish. Last year’s winner from Ruslana was the
musical equivalent of a weapon of mass destruction. This is a messed up
shambles of shouting and woe. Apparently it’s about the Orange Revolution.
If it was about Terry’s Chocolate Oranges it would stand a better chance.
 UNITED
KINGDOM
JAVINE
“Touch My Fire”
(20/1)
The home girl. The saviour of British pride from witchwhore Jordan Katie
Price Andre. It’s eastern flavoured, with a pounding bassline, and
Javine’s got an awesome live voice. Unfortunately we’re performing from
the infamous “cursed” second position, which has more recently been home
to Gina G (’96) and Jessica Garlick (’02), but despair not! If we overcome
the fact that a lot of Europe dislike the UK on principal this should fly
- there’s absolutely no reason why this shouldn’t finish top five. I can
promise tears if we don’t. Not from Lady Hylton, but from P-Bal.
 If
I were an international jury, as well as floating in front of a dodgy CSO
background, I would award my points as thus:
1 point to Belarus
2 points to Albania
3 points to Hungary
4 points to Latvia
5 points to Norway
6 points to Sweden
7 points to Lithuania
8 points to Iceland
10 points to Greece
12 points to United Kingdom… of course!
But what do
I know, eh? Sit back enjoy the show and listen out for the distant sound
of P-Bal tears, one way or another!
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