Philip Broadley

24th February 1970 (epguides.com) or 25th February 1970 (IMDb)

22^nd of March in Beirut, Lebanon

A Pan Am flight lands in Beirut. A man is questioned by customs – he’s there for the sun. Later, on the beach, a man is with a pretty brunette in a bikini indulging in some petting and some fruit. But wait – he’s found something floating in the sea. It’s a BODY~! I think it’s the man we just saw in the airport. He’s dead.

This is not the most baffling thing I’ve ever seen. A man is dead. He must be someone important for them to call Department S. Personally, I wouldn’t bother.

Nothing – there isn’t a single thing in this episode which could be called baffling (except perhaps for a belt Jason wears of his own free will).

Our first glimpse of Jason is in a publicity photo while Sir Curtis and Stewart flip through some of his paperbacks.

We actually meet Jason in the flesh some four minutes into the episode. He’s fencing with a friend of his. I’m expecting the friend to remove that fetching mask and turn out to be a pretty young lady.

She is a young lady. She wins the fight. He challenges her to rematch and she wins again. Jason is appalled.

Cyril Shaps is a rather nervous but still weaselly member of the baddie organisation. He’s a Doctor Who icon, obviously.

Magda Konopka played Michelle – she spent most of her short career in foreign films.

And Wolfe Morris - better known as Padmasambhava from the Abominable Snowmen - plays a foreign gentleman.

Jason phones her when she’s in bed (no sign of Stewart so they obviously didn’t think they’d get away with it even though it’s now 1970).

Annabelle has strange handwriting.

The bikini girl in the opening sequence is quite hot.

Another Middle Eastern episode, another belly dancer.

There is a lengthy scene shot with Jason in the foreground and his soon to be unemployed co-stars firmly out of focus at the back. It seems they’ve found the head of "the octopus" whatever that means. The name Rafic is apparently one to conjure with. He’s something to do with this octopus. I’m wondering if this episode was cobbled together out of bits of random film they found in a draw.

"What’s my cover?" asks Jason.
"Jason King, author" replies Annabelle.
"Best selling author" corrects Jason.

When Jason arrives at the airport, he has the same conversation with the immigration guy that the dead man had. This might be some sort of code which tips the dastardly foreigner off that this is a British agent.

Jason wears this most bizarre belt I’ve seen in ages. It’s like he’s the world’s least important boxing champion. But he’s proud of it.

Cyril Shaps is asked if Jason King "likes women". He looks in Jason’s file for about ten seconds and then says "yes".

Though this is not the dressing gown of a macho ladies man.

As Jason is looking out of a window and Stewart is babbling on about himself we get a bit of an old bombshell. Jason was MARRIED~! To a woman called Marion. Who made films. And who died in a plane crash. Apparently Michelle – the woman sent to kill him – reminds him of his late wife. Blimey. I wasn’t expecting this.

It is Mark Caine a-go-go as we see a display of Mark Caine novels going round and round. There’s "Istanbul Iliad", an unnamed one, "Enough is Enough is Enough is", an upside down one, two different versions of "Identity, Mark Caine" and of course the two classics – "Index Finger Left Hand" and "From China Yours Sincerely".

Stewart and Sir Curtis don’t look massively pleased to be leafing through them.

When Rafic sends a red head to seduce Jason he makes sure she’s briefed well enough to tell him how good his books are. She even mentions "Index Finger Left Hand". How could he resist? Naturally she drugs him the moment his back is turned. You can’t trust fans.

Luckily she warns him just before he drinks it and Jason is able to hide from the chaps who have come to collect him.

The man who was found dead was apparently a friend of Stewart’s – he’s pissed off. He wants to investigate the death – Sir Curtis disagrees. The man drowned. But he can’t have drowned because Stewart says he was an expert diver. He wants to investigate and no one is going to stop him. So Sir Curtis stops him and sends Jason to Beirut instead.

When an attempt is made on Jason’s life, Stewart is once more determined to go out to Beirut himself and help out. Still Sir Curtis says no so Stewart threatens to resign. Sir Curtis crumbles like a house of cards and says he can go.

He opts not to go by plane – they have the airports covered – instead he decides to travel by stock footage. The same stock footage used in the last episode for Jason’s sandy jaunt.

He finally gets well and truly out of brown (unless you count his shoes which I’m not). The desert heat means he’s barely wearing a white shirt and matching trousers.

Department S actually have a group hug when reunited in the desert. And they are all beautifully coordinated.

Stewart reverts to brown with brown when undertaking a spot of breaking and entering. Unlike Jason he doesn’t head immediately for the knicker draw.

For some reason he invites Jason to a mission briefing while he’s having his hair cut.

Once Stewart threatens to resign and Sir Curtis gives in and lets him go, Sir Curtis decides he’ll go to Beirut too. Everyone is going to Beirut. Beirut is the new rock and roll.

There was a lab – I think they were making drugs but the entire explanation given to Stewart at gun point happened off camera. There was no wrap up scene at the end so the following is guess work. Rafic was the head of some sort of drugs gang. Michelle was his lady friend. Stewart’s chum got too close and was killed. That’s it. But even that thin précis required some work on my part.

Basically, the bad guys had a few photographs of known goodie agents and if the customs guy at the airport was suspicious, we went round for a look at the photos. If he recognised someone, they were murdered.

I actually can’t believe this episode was made. There is no mystery to investigate – just someone Stewart happens to know. There is no drama except that the woman happens to remind Jason of the wife we never knew he had. There is no investigation except following one guy who happened to pop round to the woman’s flat while Stewart happened to be inside it. There was no resolution except Stewart wandered into a hidden room and got a confession off camera. There was no pay off except Michelle shooting Rafic for no reason and then huddling over his body and trying to cry. They tried to give Jason and Stewart some emotional depth but it was so one dimensional and instead of underpinning the drama it replaced the drama. It felt like a script which had been on someone’s desk for years and no show wanted it but Department S had a free slot so they drew the short straw. Everyone with a personality acted out of character, those without personalities were left hanging around like set dressing. For the first time we have an episode with absolutely nothing to recommend it.