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The Trial of a Time Lord
I think I’ve still got the HMV Christmas catalogue which listed one of the
BBC’s main video releases for 1993 as “The Trial of the Lord Tin”. If I
can find it and if I can borrow a scanner I’ll show it to you. (note -
I couldn't so I can't) It made me
chuckle and I suspect many others chuckle too. I’ve never been able to
take HMV seriously since then. They are always just a slight misreading
away from humiliation. That was a strange Christmas catalogue – it was an
absolutely normal chain store gift catalogue in every way except for
giving over an entire page to gay and lesbian erotica. One film starred a
young man with “slut shoes” which could instantly realign a straight man’s
loins. Another involved a straight author’s encounter with notable lesbian
at a writer’s workshop. Quite what the children made of it when they
turned over looking for more cartoons to put on their Christmas list.
“Please mummy – can I have “Claire of the Moon” – it sounds cool.”
DWB ran a very long review of Trial of a Time Lord – giving I think 7, 6
and 5 marks for the three main stories – which dwelt on its faults but
gave praise where the author(s) thought it was due. Which was the opening
model shot and one or two of the jokes. This put me off getting it for a
while. It came out in November and I was all set to buy it until DWB
spoilt all the fun. I didn’t remember anything about it from 1986 except – strangely
– the continuity announcer’s recaps before each episode. He (or she) would
spend twenty seconds recapping the main points over a still from an
earlier episode. This had never been done before with Doctor Who and
that’s probably why I remember it. It was a far cry from “Previously on
Trial of a Time Lord…” (cue montage of close ups on Colin Baker’s face,
the least embarrassing explosion from the Mysterious Planet and Sil
laughing at someone else’s misfortune).
I’ve said earlier that I was in Manchester shortly after Christmas 1993
and had to choose (I didn’t have to choose – no one was forcing me to buy
any of them) between three Davison videos and the Trial tin. I picked the
latter and was convinced I’d regret it. I opened the tin in the car. For
some reason I found the cover and blurb hugely exciting. The run time too
– it was enormous. It was like a video cover but an enormous video cover.
It was also cardboard and I kept it so pristine. I would later lend it to
someone while I went away for the weekend and the insane lunatic crazy
person opened it from the wrong side. That’s like losing your other
virginity – it shouldn’t happen accidentally because someone is too
careless to follow your instructions to the letter. I got the tin home
and, while mother was probably knocking up a spot of lunch, I popped the
first tape in.
I HATED THE THEME MUSIC.
I did – I thought it was wrong, just absolutely wrong. It was the same
video but different audio. Wildly different audio. Wildly different and
wrong. While having the spot of lunch I alluded to earlier I gave strong
consideration to having a tape of the proper music standing my so I could
play that instead. By about episode three I really liked it and have liked
it ever since. It sounds a bit feeble on CDs and I don’t know why they
ditched the beefed up version which is on one of the Colin adventures but
it is basically sound. No pun intended. Though it was rather good
actually. For a pun.
I watched three episodes on the first day. The memories of that obviously
incorrect DWB review were vanishing as I enjoyed this bright new beginning
for Doctor Who. I wasn’t at all sure about the new Peri – it seemed the
most disastrous reinvention of a character’s appearance since Superstar
Billy Graham ditched the tie dye for a black kung fu outfit. Peri’s
character was – if I may be crude – in her tits and her ass. No thought
had been given to anything else and it was far too late to start now.
Covering up her tits and her ass just meant we had a whiney girl who
looked like Peri’s mom hanging around with the Doctor.
The second day – also three episodes which by now had become a plan – was
a little more confusing because it included two parts of the aptly named
Mindwarp. I think the title is meant to refer to the Doctor but I prefer
to think Philip Martin was channelling the days before he became a most
pedestrian hack and working on multiple levels. Then Brian Blessed burst onto
our screens and gave me not one,
count them, not one but two phrases for my lexicon. Well, half phrases
really. I can and do end sentences with “…like melons in a heap” or a
hasty “…tomorrow we’ll soak the land in blood”. Oh and I’ll refer to just
about anyone as “the massed hoards of the Tonkonp Empire”. Basically I owe
what I am to Brian Blessed. Also confusing was the bleeping sound they put
over the word (spoiler alert) “Matrix”. I wondered at first if it was a
noise coming from somewhere outside. Or somewhere inside. I rewound the
tape and played it again. No – it was definitely on the tape. Was it an
error on my cassette? I wound it back and listened to it a third time. It
didn’t sound like an error so I let it play on. A few seconds later it
became clear this was as deliberate as Lynda Bellingham’s hat and was in
fact part of the mystery on that mysterious planet.
Mindwarp was, for a long time, my favourite segment of Trial of a Time
Lord. Nowadays it is by far and away my least favourite. The first story has wit,
the third is just adorable and the finale is a fascinating mish-meshing of
two entirely different writing styles. Mindwarp is just rather unpleasant.
The climax with Brian Blessed killing everyone was stunning at the time
and remains remarkably good (even if the whiteness caused my video to
flicker) but the rest just gets worse and worse as time passes.
I woke up in the wee small hours of day four – Thursday – and can remember
trudging to the bathroom and suddenly perking up when I remembered I had
another three episodes to look forward to. The reason I remember it all so
clearly is that it filled that week between Christmas and New Year so
wonderfully and in a way three Davison stories could never have. For all I
think of it as four stories – and m’love and m'self had that debate many an
evening – I watched it as one long story and enjoyed it as that. I forget
why but I only actually watched two episodes on that fourth day. It meant
I went the entire week without conforming to the 4+4+4+2 structure even
once.
And so to the final day – when the murderer would be revealed, the action
would turn to the Matrix and there would be so many revelations that you’d
need a rough book and a sharp pencil to keep up. I saw off Doland and his
wicked, wicked scheme and prepared to find out what was really going on at
that Time Lord trial. I was eating a strawberry Cornetto when the Master
suddenly appeared on the screen. I’d swear it was the greatest TV moment
of my life. And it will forever be yummy strawberry flavoured. “By me” he
said. Four letters, two words, one space. It was awesome. That final two
parter is probably unique in Doctor Who because nothing that was set up in
part 1 (or part 13) works out the way it was intended. All these ideas and
locations and scenarios are created by one pair of writers and, without
any consultation at all (for legal reasons) explained by another pair of
writers. It is impossible to watch part 13 and second guess any of it
because you will be wrong.
The Ultimate Foe – as I still like to call it – contributed probably my
most favourite and most often used Doctor Who line – “How utterly evil”. A
mere mortal such as I cannot do it nearly the justice Dame Bonnie Langford
(any day now, surely) did it on that stressful studio day. I can flail
limply in the dark while she gave it both her tiny, perfectly formed
barrels and flattened or flattered everyone in her vicinity. Other Trial
of a Time Lord quotes I use often include “…could prove a valuable waste
of time” which I am fairly sure is a mistake and should’ve been “a waste
of valuable time” and the one which currently sits at the top of the home
page of this footling website (itself a Trial homage) – “a web of mayhem
and intrigue”. Intrigue being a word I absolutely cannot ever learn how to
spell. That and “separate” which is gets the shameful red underlining
every single time.
I took Trial of a Time Lord with me to university that autumn and it
became the basis of a nightly ritual. I realised fairly soon that I was
too disorganised to survive on my own so I hit upon the idea of having one
episode of Doctor Who every night – twenty five minutes give or take – to
do all those little things which needed doing. I would tidy up, get things
out for the morning, brush my teeth, scratch a few tiny words in my minute
five year diary and generally make a small part of the world a better
place. Because that room was always too hot I generally had a big window
wide open and a welcome breeze wafting through me. I kept that up for the
three years I was away – each term started with the T of a T L and
continued along many and various pathways until the end of term and a
homecoming.
Terror of the Vervoids also played an important role as a lifter of black
moods. For a time it could bring me briefly out of even the worst pit of
mental hell. I came close to watching it three times in a single day but
two and a half had to suffice. Indeed, at one stage I was watching it (by
which I mean it was on – I wasn’t really glued to it) so often that I
recorded a handy UK Gold screening so I didn’t wear my tape out. Though I
do have two copies of Trial – I forget why I bought the second from eBay.
The tin is in good nick but the cardboard insides are rather worn. It just
goes to show how careful I was and how not careful my dastardly house mate
was. More from him under Paradise Towers.
And of course there is the fact that I chose the name “thevervoid.com” in
honour of my favourite portion of Trial of a Time Lord. I’ve never
regretted the choice – though I should’ve picked simply vervoid.com and
one day I will sort that out (unless some wretch has beaten me to it). I
wanted something that was kind of fun, a bit silly, was slightly rude,
sounded vaguely deep (a juxtaposition of verve and void… blah blah wanky
blah) and most importantly was available. Then I realised I had described
myself by accident and I went off the idea.
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