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The Robots of Death
My first Doctor Who DVD was as memorable (not really) as my first Doctor
Who video. I was in the Trafford Centre flicking through the small but
steadily growing DVD section. I knew Doctor Who was coming out on DVD of
course but there wasn’t much of a buzz about it. People had been burned
with formats before and the packages in those days were nothing to get
excited about. There was no online murmuring about how good the latest Ed
Stradling documentary was or how awesome/unnecessary the new CGI effects
were. I can’t have paid full price for it – I’ve only ever paid full price
for four DVDs and that was because HMV had a buy-four-get-one-free scheme
and buying Sam Neill’s Merlin, the Avengers movie, Contact and Shakespeare
in Love meant I could have twenty-five pounds worth of Austin Powers for
nothing. So there is no way Robots of Death could’ve been the full £19.99.
But equally DVDs hadn’t entered the sale phase yet. I remember well the
time 2-for-£30 was considered great value for DVDs. HMV must’ve had some
small discount – a pound or two off – for me to get it. This is another
reason why online shopping is better – one has archives to consult as to
the FACTS~! of every purchase. I
listened to the commentary (it nearly put me off them as I think I’ve
mentioned above), I looked at the studio floor plans, I did the full
package (such as it was). It didn't take long. These days I pick and
choose because I can.
But that of course was many years after UK Gold gave me my first taste of
Doctor Who and the Choreographed Robots. I liked it – it’s hard not to. I
didn’t know who the baddie was so I could play along with the murder
mystery. I’m writing this a couple of days after The Unicorn and the Wasp
was transmitted and it made me think how rare a good old murder mystery is
in Doctor Who. It’s not an easy thing to pull off and the necessarily
large cast can be a problem but it is such a satisfying thing when it is
done right. And Robots of Death has an actual human murderer rather than a
giant alien wasp. That helps too.
Everything about this cover shouts quality
The Talons of Weng-Chiang
My local library didn’t have many Doctor Who videos in the good old days
but one they did have was the Talons of Weng Chiang. It was an omnibus
version of course and I didn’t go a terribly good job of copying it (I
know – I’ll rot in hell for all eternity) because the picture was grainy
and the sound was muffled. But it was exciting in those days just to have
a new old story on video. I don’t remember when those days were but it
must’ve been early in my Who career. I’ve never had a good excuse for not
watching Talons more often. It is quite obviously brilliant. There is no
doubt about that. I knew it was brilliant the first time I saw it, I knew
it was brilliant when I bought the DVD. And yet I’ve only ever reached the
end a couple of times. Maybe fewer.
This video is so old they hadn't even settled on a proper PG logo
Horror of Fang Rock
I’m sitting here wracking my brain thing trying to think of anything I
associate with Horror of Fang Rock and the only thing I can come up with
is that I read about Pebble Mill (the studio not the comfy lunchtime chat
show) on Wikipedia because the Invasion of Time DVD reminded me that Fang
Rock was shot there. That then made me uncomfortably nostalgic for the
television show Pebble Mill at One which was popular in the days when
television channels used to stop broadcasting if they didn't have anything
worth showing.
Then of course there is the
infamous hoax that the DVD of Horror of FG was going to be SUPPRESSED~!
because there was a law prohibiting programmes featuring lighthouses. True
story. The internet was almost burned down in panic. I'm all for banning
massive erections on television wherever possible but I'll take the
humiliation of thousands of gullible fools any day.
Do you believe I'm breaking the law? HAAAA~!
The Invisible Enemy
Tom Baker laughed like a demented fool when he saw the clip of the prawn
on the Tom Years. He was (and still is) Tom Baker so he’s allowed to laugh
at Doctor Who when my mother isn’t. I remember sitting through the
Invisible Enemy and being bored by it. I don’t think I let myself be
brainwashed by anti-season 15 propaganda. I think I was just incredibly
blasé by this point. I’d had probably a year of weekly omnibuses and was
thoroughly sick of the whole thing.
Maybe that was it. Sort of. I’ve felt myself feeling the same way each
year that the New Series has been on. This year I’ve finally figured out
what was wrong and writing these memoir-type-pages makes me see it has
been a lesson I’ve needed to learn for fourteen not four years. It’s
simply this – don’t watch it when it’s on. Since I gave up on the idea of
watching New Who at half past six or whenever its on I’ve enjoyed it far
more. So much so that I’ve started watching Confidential for the first
time. A few hours and a conscious choice is a marvellous recipe for
enjoyment. If I hadn’t forced myself to get up at an unnatural time on a
Sunday morning and sit through four or six episodes back to back whether I
wanted to or not I might hold some of these tales - or eras - in higher regard.
Or maybe it’s just no good. The Invisible Enemy is crap on almost every
possible level and it may have been that more than the time slot which
influenced my feelings.
Look at it - you'd have to be mad to obey or eat the above
Image of the Fendahl
This one I didn’t follow at the time and I’ve never watched it since. I
associate this story with spam emails and nothing else. Spam emails? What
is this? Well, I get a fair bit of spam having both a Hotmail account and
a website with email addresses on show and one day I saw the list of
subject headers and a phrase popped into my head. I had dozens of offers
of unwanted phallus pills, obviously genuine watches with 90% discounts,
horny women wanting to meet me and free pictures of Britney Spears with no
clothes on. “You must think my head zips up the back” I thought as offer
after offer that wouldn’t fool a parrot flooded into my inbox. That’s how
I know I put Image of the Fendahl onto DVD – I found the disc and took a
sound clip of that sentence. I don’t know what sort of person falls for
the badly spelled, grammatically hideous, obviously fraudulent nonsense
which chokes the internet but their heads must indeed zip up the back.
The story involves salt. That’s all I remember. I’ve never liked Hammer
films either. I wonder if there is a connection – I don’t like the
originals and I don’t like Doctor Who’s homages. It’s an alternative to
the apathy theory.
The first time I ever heard
of this story was the DWM review of "Keeper of Traken". The reviewer
criticised the painted on eyes and quipped about how we hadn't learned
anything from Image of the Fendahl. I didn't know what this meant. It's
been so long since I saw it that I'm not sure I can remember what it means
now.
WANDA~!
The Sun Makers
This one at least had wit on its side. It was still too much to watch in
one go but it raised a few smiles. Though I'd seen the best bits on the Tom Years
and read the best jokes in the Discontinuity Guide so it seemed a bit
unnecessary to spend two hours stitching them together with plot and
actors from Blake's 7..
I think it's worth making one of these so you can bully a few peasants.
Money well spent.
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