The Dullard Report

With Paul Dullard

“The Writer” Part Twelve

Paul Dullard: (voice over) With his book now in shops although not as many shops as he’d hoped either because people keep buying them or people don’t want to buy them, Gary Hatt can now sit back and relax with only the torture of book reviews to keep him awake at night. Too nervous to gather them himself, he’s asked his friend Mandy to collect together several magazines containing reviews of the book and he’ll be reading them for us for the first time today.

Gary Hatt: Yeah, basically the critics have had time to digest the book and its time to see what they liked, what they didn’t like and what was left.

Paul Dullard: Are you nervous?

Gary Hatt: I wouldn’t say so – reviews are all part and parcel in this game. I’ve grown a pretty thick skin.

Paul Dullard: But this is your first review.

Gary Hatt: I grew it last night. I told myself that nothing they say can diminish my self respect. If they didn’t understand my story then it is their loss. If they loved it then I’ll be happy but I won’t worry unduly if they don’t get it.

Paul Dullard: And if they don’t like it?

Gary Hatt: Like I say, I won’t worry too much if they don’t understand it.

Paul Dullard: Which periodicals is Mandy bringing?

Gary Hatt: Well, I told her to get Doctor Who Magazine, SFX, Starburst, TV Zone, the Times Literary Supplement, Celestial Toyroom and anything which has a police box on the cover.

Paul Dullard: While we wait, can we talk briefly about what you’ve learned over the course of the writing process?

Gary Hatt: Yeah, basically I’ve learned that the most important thing a writer can have is a commission. Without that he’s literally writing in the dark. From the moment Gary Russell said he’d publish my story I’ve felt like I’m on the top of the world. Before that was rubbish.

Paul Dullard: Do you think you’ll go on to write anything else?

Gary Hatt: Well duh – this is only the beginning. I’m on the radar now. Cardiff will know who I am. If they’ve got an opening for me – even on Torchwood – I’ll be there like a shot out of a cannon.

Paul Dullard: I thought you didn’t like Cardiff and New Doctor Who?

Gary Hatt: I don’t like what they’re doing now but I think I’m more than up to the job of turning their shallow ratings success into quality genre entertainment. Russell has laid the foundations – don’t get me wrong – but a new mind on the job would pay dividends almost immediately.

Paul Dullard: And you’re that mind?

Gary Hatt: It’s nice of you to say so. I happen to agree with you but we’ll wait and see. Mand should be here by now.

Paul Dullard: There have been some pot holes on the way to getting your story published. How will you avoid them in future?

Gary Hatt: I was just green – I’ll be fine next time. The Big Finish boys won’t debag me again because I won’t be the new boy, I won’t have to prove myself and earn anyone's respect because my track record will speak for itself and I’ve now given my autograph to a dozen mental fans so I won’t be seeing them again and there can’t be that many more mental fans out there. I think I’m over the worst of it. Next time will be pure gravy.

Mandy: Hi all. I’ve got some magazines in my bag for a certain clever boy.

Paul Dullard: I didn’t order…

Gary Hatt: Me, not you, thanks Mand. Lets have a look at The Magazine first – they usually know what they’re talking about.

Pause while Gary reads

Gary Hatt: What an absolute hack. He wouldn’t know a well written short story anthology if it bit him on the face.

Paul Dullard: What does he say?

Gary Hatt: It doesn’t matter what he said – he’s a buffoon. I think I’d know if my story was "shallow, cliché filled, coincidence driven, badly written, vague, unfocused nonsense which has no place on a hard drive let alone a book shelf". He’s just trying to make a name for himself. Burn it.

Mandy Mittens: Here’s SFX – I bet they love it.

Pause while Gary reads

Gary Hatt: Yeah, SFX was great in the 90s when it was at its peak but its been on the slippery down slope for years now. It’s little more than a tabloid with a spine.

Paul Dullard: What do they say?

Gary Hatt: Stop saying that. It doesn’t matter what they said – it’s the fact that this is a formerly great magazine which is apparently unable to know what is "laughable dribble which offends the reader by taking up space for which they have paid" and what isn’t. Anyway, it should be ‘taking up space which they have paid for’ – any fool knows that.

Paul Dullard: I don’t think so…

Gary Hatt: Almost any fool. I think I’ve proven that the modern media is full of jealous would be writers who have nothing better to do that spew lies and bile because their own stories get turned down in favour of exciting new talents like me. I could take over that reviews page tomorrow if I wanted to and I’d do a damn better job. He knows it and I know it so he wants to try and sully me and stop a rival in his tracks before I’ve even got going.

Paul Dullard: This one is better.

Gary Hatt: Celestial Toyroom? No one reads that any more – the only people who read it are the ones that wrote it.

Paul Dullard: They say "Gary Hatt’s is not the worst story I’ve ever read. It comes close but at least some has checked most of the spelling. With a once-over by someone who understands grammar it might become readable. I can’t comment on the story or the dialogue. See above."

Gary Hatt: That’s absurd – my grammar is ace. My spelling is ace. I am an ace writer. I think he must’ve been smoking the old wacky backy before he wrote that. Either that or he’s blaming me for undiagnosed dyslexia. Do you fancy going outside for a coffee or something?

Mandy Mittens: There’s still the CSM review.

Gary Hatt: Yeah but that’s… oh right. Yeah, I was so busy with my story that I asked a mate of mine to edit Catharsis of Spurious Morality for a month while I was busy with my story. I can’t believe he’s reviewed it. God – this is going to be so embarrassing. Go on – what does Smudger say? I’ll so get him for this.

Paul Dullard: "An otherwise worthwhile collection of mediocre scribbles is brought to a crashing halt by a truly god-awful piece of writing by Gary Hatt. His story frequently jumps back and forth between unknowing self parody and melodramatically laughable attempts at serious drama. I would suggest Hatt finds a form he is comfortable with and sticks to that for a while but I genuinely don’t believe this tenth rate writer (and I use that word while hating myself for dignifying him that once enviable word) has a style which he is good at. The jokes – I think they are jokes – aren’t funny, the dialogue sounds like it was pieced together from the remains of Christmas crackers by someone who doesn’t speak English and the scene where he tried to inject genuine sentiment into Elvis’s departure made me want to stick my head through the patio door. I say all this as someone who has known Gary for years and advised him many times not to try and become a writer. I shudder to think what anyone who doesn’t think of Gaz as a mate will say. He has single handedly made every other bit of bad Doctor Who writing more worthy and acceptable. Never again will anyone criticise anything in the show’s many outlets without first qualifying it by saying "With the exception of Spaceland…" and moving on before the nausea starts."

Gary Hatt: Well he’s fired for a start. I’m just going to… going to… going.

Gary wanders off

Paul Dullard: Is he ok?

Mandy Mittens: Not really. But it was a terrible story.

Paul Dullard: Dreadful.

Mandy Mittens: Awful.

Paul Dullard: Rotten.

Mandy Mittens: Pathetic.

Paul Dullard: Dire.

Mandy Mittens: Wretched.

Paul Dullard: Yes. Though I had hoped to end this series on a brighter note.

Mandy Mittens: I could take my jumper off.

Paul Dullard: Ok. Wow. That’s nice. Goodbye everyone.