The Dullard Report

With Paul Dullard

“The Writer” Part Eleven

Paul Dullard: (voice over) When the awkward business of writing down all the thoughts in your head in a workable and legible form and watching them go through the process of editing, re-writing, re-editing and eventual pre- and post-publishing printing is done and dusted, the author has the even more awkward business of promoting the thing he has just written and re-written. Gary Hatt’s first published work has just gone on sale and Gary is keen to meet the book buying public and see his work being enjoyed, bought and paid for.

Gary Hatt: Yeah, basically I’ve come here to Waterstones to see how sales of my book are going. I had a quick look on the best seller shelves but I don’t think they’ve changed them from last week. Or if they have, they haven’t done it properly.

Paul Dullard: Have you heard any early sales numbers?

Gary Hatt: I don’t look at numbers, Paul, they don’t tell the full story.

Paul Dullard: Have you been given any numbers?

Gary Hatt: Not as such. But Gary Russell sent me a Boots voucher that fell out of his Radio Times as a thank you note so that looks promising.

Paul Dullard: (voice over) As we walked through the foyer of Waterstones, if Waterstones can be said to have a foyer, if not we walked through the books section on the way to the stairs, we couldn’t help but notice the customer base is almost all book enthusiasts. This bodes well for the sales of Gary’s book or at least the book Gary contributed the shortest story to.

Gary Hatt: Hi, my name is Gary and I’m looking for a book called "Short Trips: Icons".

Assistant: What?

Gary Hatt: A book? Called "Short Trips: Icons". You sell books.

Assistant: No I don’t.

Gary Hatt: Yes you do – you work in Waterstones.

Not an Assistant: No I don’t – I work in the chip shop next door. I came in to see if they’d got anything which explains the legal definition of corporate manslaughter.

Gary Hatt: Oh. Right. A whim?

Not an Assistant: An outbreak. Oh, yeah, I’ve got to find the legal definition of outbreak too.

Gary Hatt: Right. We’ll go somewhere else for lunch.

Not an Assistant: Yeah.

Paul Dullard: Would you be interested in being interviewed for the radio?

Not an Assistant: No.

Paul Dullard: (voice over) As Gary roams the shelves looking for his book, I browse the Japanese graphic novel section and get scared out of my wits by some of the pictures.

Gary Hatt: This is the Doctor Who section but all they’ve got is the new BBC books which aren’t proper Doctor Who.

Paul Dullard: Is that the one with the thin man with the sticky up hair? I like him.

Gary Hatt: No you don’t – you just think you do because of all the hype and the big budget and all the special effects. You’re being conned by Cardiff and for the rest of this conversation you’ll have to buy the latest issue of Catharsis of Spurious Morality. I go off on one but in a really cool way.

Paul Dullard: Do you think they have sold out of your book?

Gary Hatt: Well there is this gap on the shelf which is big enough for three copies of "Short Trips: Icons" but I made it myself just now so it doesn’t really count.

Paul Dullard: Should we ask at the desk?

Gary Hatt: I was just about to, actually, I can cope with being outside you know. Dr Droop said so as long as I’m careful and don’t drink anything green, pink or red.

Paul Dullard: (voice over) Having agreed to go over to the information desk, Gary goes over almost immediately to the information desk as he tries to find out some information. We’re now standing in a queue.

Gary Hatt: Do queues make good radio?

Paul Dullard: It generally depends on who is in the queue with you. I was once stood two people behind Mick Jagger. That would’ve been good radio – he might’ve broken into song or done something outrageous at any moment.

Gary Hatt: Did he?

Paul Dullard: Radio is all about the tension really. Expectation is worth a hundred actual impromptu performances of "Jumping Jack Flash". I had that taped to my office wall until they took my office away and replaced me with a water cooler.

Gary Hatt: And if there isn’t anyone in the queue except rather dull, ordinary people?

Queue: Oi – watch your mouth, sonny.

Paul Dullard: They tend to be rather dull.

Queue: And you.

Paul Dullard: Sorry.

Assistant: Can I help you, sir?

Gary Hatt: I’m looking for a copy of "Short Trips: Icons" by various authors including Gary Hatt.

Assistant: Is it on the shelf?

Gary Hatt: That was the first place I looked.

Assistant: Is it on another shelf?

Gary Hatt: No.

Assistant: We do have almost three miles of shelves – have you checked them all?

Gary Hatt: Aren’t they in some kind of order?

Assistant: Well…if they must. Do you want me to look on the computer?

Gary Hatt: Yes please mate.

Assistant: Ugh. Very well. You’ll have to move – you’re in the way of the computer’s ventilation duct. You might over heat it. You wouldn’t prefer to check the rest of the shelves first?

Gary Hatt: Search for Hatt with two Ts.

Assistant: One moment… one moment…

Gary Hatt: Hatt…

Assistant: One moment PLEASE. Click… click… yes… password… click… scroll… option six… option two… password… click… click… password… option three… yes… no… yes… click… password… right – Morris wasn’t it?

Gary Hatt: Hatt. With two Ts. H-A-T-T.

Assistant: Nope – nothing. Next.

Gary Hatt: Could you try searching for Short Trips?

Assistant: Ugh. Really? Don’t you think that you really should check some more shelves. Possibly downstairs where you’re someone else’s problem?

Gary Hatt: S-H-O-R…

Assistant: Yes, I can actually spell you know. I can spell. This job isn’t rocket science but I can spell Short Journeys you know.

Gary Hatt: Trips not journeys.

Assistant: YES I KNOW… WHATEVER… click… option six… password… short…. Trips…5,982 results. All of them upstairs in the travel section.

Gary Hatt: Hmm. Could you try searching for Doctor Who?

Assistant: Have you tried the Doctor Who section?

Gary Hatt: Yes.

Assistant: And there weren’t any copies there?

Gary Hatt: No.

Assistant: I think… yes… I can see one from here. Black spine with a swirly type pattern on it?

Gary Hatt: That sounds about right.

Assistant: Top shelf – quite a bit over to the left.

Gary Hatt: Thanks.

Paul Dullard: I’m sure we checked there…

Gary Hatt: He’s not going to be making it up is he? Come on.

Customer: Can I buy a book token please?

Assistant: I’m sorry – there’s no one here at the moment. Please leave a message.

Customer: Come back…

Gary Hatt: Top shelf he said… if I can just… climb… up… ARGHHH.

Paul Dullard: (voice over) The BBC would like to assure listeners that Gary Hatt sustained no lasting damage following his fall from the book shelf. He did however suffer quite a lot of damage during the fall and spent the next two weeks in agony. The owners of Waterstones have asked us to refer to their store as "An Unnamed Market Leading Book Retailer" and not by name which we will be happy to do from now on. Gary phoned an unnamed market leading book retailer from his hospital bed and was told they have no plans to stock his book in the near future. He’s planning to visit a different book shop when he has recovered. Possibly several other book shops.