The Dullard Report

With Paul Dullard

“The Writer” Part Ten

Paul Dullard: (voice over) People buy books for many reasons – some of which are to read it, enjoy it and keep it on a shelf. But no matter how readable, enjoyable or shelveable a book may be, it can be made more readable, enjoyable or shelveable by the author writing his or her name or names inside on an early page with little or nothing else important on it. When new books come out it is therefore the duty of writers to make themselves available for autograph sessions in which members of the public queue up, buy the book and get it signed. Usually but not exclusively in that order. Gary Hatt – whose story was featured in the recently published anthology "Short Trips: Icons" has been more or less invited to be part of an autograph panel at a top London science fiction store in London.

Gary Hatt: Yeah, basically, they arranged for some of the top writers on "Icons" to get together and sign books here at the world famous Fifth Galaxy store.

Paul Dullard: And you’re one of these top writers?

Gary Hatt: Well duh – I’m here aren’t I?

Paul Dullard: But they won’t let you in.

Gary Hatt: Oversight. Nick Briggs said he’ll sort it out. The man would dig you a tunnel if you asked him to - he’s that kind of guy.

Paul Dullard: Who else is in there?

Gary Hatt: It’s like one of those Paris salons in the old days – it’s packed with the cream of Doctor Who writing. Everyone who is anyone might be in there.

Paul Dullard: Do you think Russell…

Gary Hatt: Except him. He’s too busy making something which only the Radio Times would be gullible enough to actually describe as Doctor Who.

Paul Dullard: When groups of writers come together, is there a lot of jealousy?

Gary Hatt: Paul, I have to say, hand on my heart, that I’ve never met a writer who I’ve felt was jealous of me. They’re a great bunch – Andy’s probably in there. And Steve. And Jac. And I’ve heard Eric might be there. And Nick of course. The man’s a marvel.

Paul Dullard: Do you swap ideas and things?

Gary Hatt: I’ll bet you that by the end of today there will be creative juices literally bouncing off the walls of that store. I can’t wait to get inside and start mingling.

Doorman: Are you Gareth Hatt?

Gary Hatt: Gary.

Doorman: Mr Briggs said Gareth. Is there a Gareth Hatt out here?

Gary Hatt: He means me. I’m Gary Hatt and some people assume my first name is short for Gareth.

Doorman: Isn’t it?

Gary Hatt: No – it’s short for (mumbles) Garibald.

Doorman: You’d better come in because it’s too cold out here to argue and if I start shivering it will spoil my image as an inscrutable hard man.

Gary Hatt: Lead the way, sir, lead the way.

Paul Dullard: Is your name really Garibald?

Gary Hatt: You’ll cut that bit, yeah?

Paul Dullard: I don’t know how the editing machine works – you’ll have to speak to Lionel or Bod.

Gary Hatt: Right. So… anyway… look at all these people – there are hundreds of them.

Paul Dullard: I can’t add sound effects either – that’s Simon or Pan Face.

Gary Hatt: Ok, there are dozens of people here. Hi – how are you.

Paul Dullard: Fine…

Gary Hatt: Not you – her.

Fan: Me?

Gary Hatt: Yeah – are you here for the signing?

Fan: Yeah.

Gary Hatt: See you later then.

Fan: Fuck off loser.

Gary Hatt: I’m one of the signers.

Fan: Are you Paul Cornell?

Gary Hatt: No – look at my teeth if you don’t believe me.

Fan: Yeah, still fuck off then.

Gary Hatt: Look – there’s Nick Briggs. Nick… Nick… NICK… NICK… NICK… NICK… NICK… I think he’s busy.

Paul Dullard: I think the man with the Manager badge might be in charge.

Gary Hatt: I know – I was just touching base with Briggsy.

Manager: Are you Gareth Hatt?

Gary Hatt: Gar… yes.

Manager: I’m afraid we didn’t know you were coming until just now – we didn’t invite you.

Gary Hatt: I just assumed… I sent you a letter… Nick Briggs said it would probably be all right.

Manager: I’ve set you up at the end of the table. I said "at the end" but I meant just beyond the end of the table. You won’t actually have the use of any table – it’s busy with the proper guests. I might be able to get you a tray or something to lean on.

Gary Hatt: Don’t you have any other tables I could use?

Manager: All the tables are busy. Or nailed to the floor to stop Star Trek fans throwing them. They did it once. Never again – not while I’m in charge. Which I am. Could you manage with a copy of Doctor Who – the Legend to rest on?

Gary Hatt: I suppose… in an emergency…

Manager: It’ll be a paperback copy – all our hardbacks were snapped up when someone sniffed one and went all peculiar in a nice way.

Paul Dullard: (voice over) With Gary now settled at the end of the table and waiting for his first book to sign, I asked some of the visitors why they had come here and what they were hoping to get out of the day.

Guest1: Autographs. I’ve got 187 Doctor Who autographs and this seemed an ideal opportunity to get 7 more that I don’t already have.

Guest2: Jac – she’s lovely. Absolutely lovely. So lovely I could cry.

Guest3: I’m going to tug Eric Saward’s hair – I bet Jeremy a fiver that it is a wig.

Guest4: I’ve only got 8 Doctor Who autographs and people laugh at me at social gatherings.

Guest5: Looking at the signatures in my book will stop me reading it and that thought appeals to me.

Guest6: I’m going to propose to Jac – I’ve got a ring in here somewhere. I hope she says yes. I’ll kill myself if she doesn’t.

Paul Dullard: (voice over) The queue begins to move as the signing officially gets underway. I’ve moved to stand just behind and just to the left of Gary as he awaits his first request.

Gary Hatt: God this is exciting – this is ace. This is what being a writer is all about. This is fantastic. I feel honoured just being here with all these people. This is easily better than the time Mandy let me put my hand up her jumper and have a bit of a rummage.

Autograph hunter: Write "To Kevin" with a capital T and a capital K, lower case o, e, v, i and n. "I hope you enjoy this book" with a capital I, lower case for everything else, putting "I" , "hope" and "you" on one line and "enjoy", "this" and "book" on a second line just underneath. "Regards", capital R, lower case e, g, a, r, d and s. "Gary Hatt" is to be written in your personalised way. Do not add any Xs or Os as you are male and I only allow female authors to do that. Do not underline anything.

Gary Hatt: Um, ok.

AH: That is satisfactory. Give me my book now and do not attempt to shake my hand.

Gary Hatt: Um, ok.

Paul Dullard: That must’ve been a special moment.

Gary Hatt: I think he was the special one if you get my double entendre.

Autograph hunter 2: Could you put… oh, sorry, I thought you were one of the panel. Sorry.

Gary Hatt: I am – I really am – what do you want me to… oh balls. He’s gone. He looked quite normal too. I prefer the normal ones.

Autograph hunter 3: Are you a writer?

Gary Hatt: Yes.

AH3: Really?

Gary Hatt: Yes.

AH3 Which of the stories did you do?

Gary Hatt: Spaceland.

AH3: Oh.

Gary Hatt: That was rude.

Paul Dullard: Maybe she remembered a prior engagement.

Gary Hatt: Yeah. I’m starting to become disillusioned.

Autograph hunter 4: Can you write "To Katy, love Gary"?

Gary Hatt: Um… yeah. Do you want any kisses?

AH4: Six – made into the shape of a heart.

Gary Hatt: Yeah, sure.

AH4: Will you go out for a drink with me tonight?

Gary Hatt: Um, ok.

AH4: Will you marry me? I know a vicar – we could get it done before we go for a drink.

Nick Briggs: I’ll summon security.

Gary Hatt: Cheers.

AH4: Get off me – we’re in love. Ooh – what strong arms you’ve got. I’ve never been out with a lesbian before… What time do you get off?

Guard: Five.

AH4: I’ll get you off before then.

Paul Dullard: Phew – that was close.

Gary Hatt: I didn’t know really people said things like that.

Autograph hunter 5: Name?

Gary Hatt: Gary Hatt.

AH5: As you can see, I have divided the page into sixteen equally sized squares using an HB pencil and a ruler. Your story is the fourteenth in the book therefore you will write your personalised message in square fourteen. You won’t go over the lines either on purpose or by accident. I will be erasing the pencil lines later.

Gary Hatt: Um, ok.

Paul Dullard: (voice over) The signing not quite living up to Gary Hatt’s expectations is a sobering reminder that things don’t always live up to our expectations. A lowering of those expectations or the avoidance of science fiction enthusiasts are two ways I learned to avoid similar things happening to me in the future. By the end of the signing, Gary estimated he’d signed fifty two books and only met two friendly people – the woman who proposed marriage and almost immediately became gay and Nick Briggs who called him a taxi and thanked him for coming.