The Dullard Report

With Paul Dullard

“The Writer” Part Nine

Paul Dullard: (voice over) With the work now having been completed by those whose work has been completed and those whose work hasn’t started yet because they couldn’t start until the others had finished, it is time for the newly traditional post completion party. A chance for all the authors and female authors whose stories form part of the overall collection to gather and meet in an atmosphere. Gary Hatt – author of "Spaceland" in which the Colin Baker Doctor Who meets Elvis Presley – has been invited to the party because he had to be.

Gary Hatt: Yeah, basically this is one major ass opportunity for me to do some serious networking. What do you think I should wear?

Paul Dullard: Um… does it not say on the invitation?

Gary Hatt: It just says "dress preferred". I’ve heard on the grapevine that there was a nudity incident back at the launch of "Companions" and the nudee threatened to use the European Human Rights wotsit if they absolutely insisted on clothes. Should I wear a suit?

Paul Dullard: A suit says sensible, respectable, responsible and reasonably well off.

Gary Hatt: Hmm. I’m definitely going to be the youngest there so maybe I should be youthful and radical. Should I wear my Placebo t-shirt?

Paul Dullard: What’s a placebo t-shirt? Is it when you get dressed in the dark and only think you’re wearing a t-shirt?

Gary Hatt: Maybe I should wear a suit but with a t-shirt instead of a regular shirt. Then I look sophisticated but still young, trendy but ultimately a safe pair of hands.

Paul Dullard: Are you absolutely sure it isn’t fancy dress?

Gary Hatt: Never never never say that to anyone on the eve of the biggest part of their life. I have checked and double checked every square side of that invitation and nowhere does it say, imply, suggest or cryptically hint that it might be fancy dress. But I can’t check because there isn’t a person on this planet who, when hosting a party and someone rings up the week before and says "Is it fancy dress?" could resist lying to them as a joke.

Paul Dullard: You could ring them and do the opposite of what they say.

Gary Hatt: They might be expecting that. You have to remember I’m a threat to them. I’m the young blood who is going to sweep away their stale vision for modern science fiction action adventure fantasy literature. I’m the one that will end their comfy gravy train of safe commissions and easy money. What better way to knock the wheels off my chariot than by having me forever branded "the guy who came to Gary’s party dressed as a lobster".

Paul Dullard: Why a lobster?

Gary Hatt: Mandy damaged the costume a while ago and the hire shop wouldn’t take it back. It’s taking up most of mother’s duster cupboard and she isn’t happy.

Paul Dullard: (voice over) Eventually, and with questions of suitable attire put to one side, Gary simply has to wait the seven agonising days until the party begins in both earnest and the Beagle Tavern function room.

Gary Hatt: Is it Saturday yet?

Paul Dullard: No.

Gary Hatt: Ok.

Paul Dullard: (voice over) The big day has been and gone and now it is the big night. Gary has opted for a lighter coloured suit than he might’ve worn for a funeral, a brightly coloured shirt and a pair of sun glasses which he calls his "shades".

Gary Hatt: They are so going to know who is the coolest person here.

Paul Dullard: I’m over here.

Gary Hatt: Yeah… I wasn’t talking to you… Shut up.

Nick Briggs: Can I take your coat?

Gary Hatt: Shit. I’ve left it in the car. Back in a sec.

Paul Dullard: He’s rather nervous.

Nick Briggs: What on Earth has he got to be nervous about? It’s a party. Lots of cake, booze, nibbles and – best of all – we’re going to debag the new boy on the stroke of ten o’clock.

Paul Dullard: Would that be new boy Gary Hatt, author of "SpaceLand" in which the Colin Baker Doc…

Nick Briggs: You know him?

Paul Dullard: I’m holding his coat.

Nick Briggs: Mum’s the word!

Paul Dullard: Um…

Nick Briggs: Nearly right.

Gary Hatt: (out of breath) I can’t find my coat. Sorry. Can I still come in?

Paul Dullard: Your coat’s here.

Gary Hatt: Shit. I mean good. Good – my coat. Here you go.

Nick Briggs: Thank you, sir.

(awkward silence)

Paul Dullard: I think he wants a tip.

Gary Hatt: Never write another play with a time paradox in it.

Nick Briggs: Hmph.

Paul Dullard: (voice over) The assembled crowd has gathered and mixed to form a low conversational paste in the air of the function room of the Beagle Tavern. Authors I’ve never heard of and the partners of authors I’ve never heard of are mingling together and discussing the book they’ve all just either written or whose partners have just written.

Gary Hatt: Gary Hatt – "SpaceLand" - pleased to meet you.

Author: SpaceLand? What’s that?

Gary Hatt: It’s a short story – the Doctor meets…

Author: Ugh – sounds so predictable.

Gary Hatt: …Elvis and they…

Author: Ughh – so so so predictable.

Gary Hatt: …travel around…

Author: Ughhh – so so so predictable predictable predictable. I bet everything like really happens doesn’t it?

Gary Hatt: Well, yes – that’s the point of a story isn’t it?

Author: Ughhhh – things that actually happen are soooo predictable. It’s all so…

Gary Hatt: Predictable?

Author: …Terrance Dicks. Haven’t you heard of the multiverse of temporal alternative paradoxical reality thresholds?

Gary Hatt: Is that the Lawrence Miles stuff?

Author: Ughhhhhh – utterly and completely legally different in every way. His stuff was so… predictable. I can hardly tell Miles and Dicks apart.

Gary Hatt: Well, Gary Russell liked my story anyway.

Author: Gary Russel liked it? Don’t tell him I said it was crap, please.

Gary Hatt: You didn’t say it was crap – you only said predictable.

Author: Just don’t tell him I said it was crap, even in jest. I didn’t mean it. Oh god I didn’t mean it. He’s got eyes and ears everywhere.

Gary Hatt: Everywhere? How can he have eyes and ears everywhere?

Nick Briggs: Vol-au-vent?

Gary Hatt: Thanks.

Author: No thanks.

Gary Hatt: Even Gary Russell can’t be in two places at once. No one can.

Nick Briggs: That was the funky sound of Alistair Lock. Before the next record, I’ve just been told that today is Ben Aaronovitch’s birthday so a big round of applause for Ben’s big day… Actually his birthday was nine and a half months ago but he’s always late with everything so we thought it would be funny to do this little bit of comedy.

(silence)

Nick Briggs: It was Gary Russell’s idea.

(hysteria)

Nick Briggs: That’s better. Now let’s get the party moving with track three from the soundtrack to the Excelis trilogy.

Gary Hatt: I need to mingle more.

Paul Dullard: Um… how about her – she looks like she wants to talk to someone like you.

Gary Hatt: Right… Hi, I’m…

Authoress: Fuck off.

Gary Hatt: Ok. (pause) Would it help if I mentioned Gary Russell’s name?

Authoress: You know him? Are you his friend? Can I be his friend? Where is he? How do I get to him?

Nick Briggs: Mr Russell is currently over in that corner there, chatting to Ian Farrington and signing Pringles.

Authoress: Thank you so much (kiss).

Nick Briggs: My pleasure. If you hurry he’ll still be on the salt and vinegar. I find the ink smudges terribly on the barbeque ones.

Authoress: You’re an angel.

Nick Briggs: So true, so true. Vol-au-vent?

Gary Hatt: Is there anyone here who will talk to me?

Nick Briggs: I’ll talk to you. I’ve interviewed a hung-over Janet Fielding. You can have no terrors for me. So, when did you first know you wanted to be an actor?

Gary Hatt: I’m not an actor.

Nick Briggs: And were you in all your school plays?

Gary Hatt: I’m really not an actor.

Nick Briggs: Any hilarious stories about your time in rep?

Clock: Ding… ding… ding… ding… ding… ding… ding… ding… ding… ding

Alan Barnes: Grab him – newbie over by Briggs – don’t let him get away.

Gary Hatt: What? Huh? Woah.

(much laughter)

Nick Briggs: They’re nearly off… they’re nearly off…

Ian Farrington: Save the last tug for Gary Russell.

Nick Briggs: Don’t I always?

Gary Russell: Uhhhhh (tear) voila!

(more laughter)

Nick Briggs: Priceless.

Alan Barnes: Super, boss.

Ian Farrington: Some of the best trouser work I’ve seen all year.

Nigel Fairs: You’ve still got it.

Gary Hatt: Could I have it back, please?

Gary Russell: Ahahahaha – I like this pup. Give him a plate and have him escorted to my private buffet.

Nick Briggs: By your command.

Paul Dullard: (voice over) And so, while most of the evening proved to be a complete and utter failure, all is as well as it can end well with Gary going off with Gary and without his trousers which Gary is carrying. Whether this will lead to a further commission or just a plate full of food is anyone’s guess. But if the public vol-au-vents are anything to go by he’s in for quite a treat.

Nick Briggs: You are almost too kind.