The Dullard Report

With Paul Dullard

“The Writer” Part Seven

Paul Dullard: (voice over) They say that to become a top professional writer in your chosen field you have to be able to juggle all the balls life can throw at you without ever letting any of your plates stop spinning long enough for them to go off the boil. Gary Hatt – soon to be famous author – has put his heart and soul into his work and, at the age of a youthful early twenties, it seems that some or all of his hard work has finally paid off.

Gary Hatt: Yeah, basically I’m having a working sandwich with Gary Russell.

Paul Dullard: Who?

Gary Hatt: Ha! Good one. Seriously, this is a major opportunity for me to write a book for him.

Paul Dullard: What sort of book?

Gary Hatt: It’s a short story anthology.

Paul Dullard: How would you… I mean you wouldn’t have to… would you?... I mean you’ve only had one idea and I’m sure… about a dozen of them to fill a whole anthology…

Gary Hatt: Nah – you’ve got the wrong stick – I’d be writing one of the stories while other people write the rest.

Paul Dullard: So rather like a commercial break during a television programme.

Gary Hatt: Yeah. I’ve got a good feeling about this meeting – I’m going to wow him.

Paul Dullard: How did the meeting come about?

Gary Hatt: Basically, you remember my former colleague Mandy Mittens?

Paul Dullard: I do.

Gary Hatt: Her sister Minty is going out with this guy who knows this girl who used to shave Gary’s head. She had a word with Gary Russell and he said he was due to have a sandwich today anyway and that I’d be welcome to come along and pay.

Paul Dullard: Has he seen any of your work?

Gary Hatt: He must’ve done – I’ve sent him two scripts, a Sarah Jane and an idea for an adaptation of a comic book which would be a great way for them to contact Chris Eccleston without having to use the D word.

Paul Dullard: What’s your story all about?

Gary Hatt: The one for the anthology? It’s really clever. Basically, I’ve chosen two Doctors to star in it – the Ninth because he’s the most popular today and the Fourth because he’s the most popular ever. Something for everyone. They team up because a young Time Lord renegade called ‘The Bachelor’ – copyright 2005 Gary Philip Hatt – has found a way of genetically merging a Dalek and a Tardis to create the ultimate weapon of mass time-and-space destruction. He’s preparing to launch his fleet of Tarleks upon an unsuspecting universe when a group of Cybermen arrive. But these aren’t ordinary Cybermen – they’ve been indoctrinated into the ways of Faction Paradox and so have been driven insane by the pleasure they feel when they manipulate time. They want to merge themselves with the Tarleks to create Cyber-Tarleks which would mean the end not only of everything that is but everything that ever was, is or will be. It’s brilliant.

Paul Dullard: That sounds like rather a lot for a short story.

Gary Hatt: That’s the beauty of the format – the shorter word count means you don’t have to explain everything. Just give them the stuff and don’t worry about arsing around with characterisation or any of that wank.

Paul Dullard: I had an idea for a story once.

Gary Hatt: Really? Are you sure it was you? You don’t strike me as the creative type. Normally I can tell.

Paul Dullard: Well, it wasn’t actually a story as such. Just an idea for an idea for a story.

Gary Hatt: Go on – let me have it. I’ll be brutally honest.

Paul Dullard: I’m sure you don’t want to hear it.

Gary Hatt: No no – I believe it’s my duty to give a bit back. I’ve been blessed with gifts so I should use them to help those less fortunate. In your case, a lot less fortunate.

Paul Dullard: Well, um, it starts with the Colin Baker Doctor Who going to visit Elvis Presley.

Gary Hatt: (snigger) Sorry.

Paul Dullard: And he finds that his old friend is nearing the end of his life. So the Colin Baker Doctor Who decides to take him away for one last tour of the universe – leaving a clone of Elvis behind, sat on the toilet so no one would bother it.

Gary Hatt: (splutter)

Paul Dullard: I mean it’s not very good but I thought it would be, um, quite funny in an ironic sort of way if it was true that Elvis really did get taken away in a space ship.

Gary Hatt: Can I be brutally honest, Paul?

Paul Dullard: I’d rather you weren’t.

Gary Hatt: Being brutally honest I think it’s…

(Cut)

Paul Dullard: (voice over) We’re here in a café somewhere in a part of London that doesn’t want to be identified for reasons of both privacy and security and to avoid accusations of a southern bias in the media. I’m sat here with not one but two Garys – Russell and Hatt – and both are tucking in to sandwiches.

Gary Hatt: Great sandwich.

Gary Russell: Nick Briggs made them.

Gary Hatt: I thought I could taste his influence.

Gary Russell: Great guy. So flexible and versatile. Cheap too. So – what do you have for me? Monica says you’re a young writer. I can see by your face that you’re young but convince me you’re a writer.

Gary Hatt: I’ve got the perfect story for your next Short Trips anthology.

Gary Russell: Hmm. Have you read the writers guidelines?

Gary Hatt: Erm… yeah. Very well written.

Gary Russell: Nick Briggs again.

Gary Hatt: I could tell.

Gary Russell: So you don’t need me to remind you of the golden rules.

Gary Hatt: Absolutely not.

Paul Dullard: Um – could you possibly go over them for the audience at home?

Gary Russell: Why not? Nick’s work deserves a wider audience. Essentially it boils down to (1) No Eccleston – we don’t have the rights to his character, (2) no Daleks – too expensive to waste in books, (3) no crappy attempts to out-do the books with Tardis mumbo crappo, (4) don’t bugger around with the Cybermen because Nick’s doing an epic later in the year and (5) never never never do anything which makes me remember that L-a-w-r-e-n-c-e M-i-l-e-s exists. So, what were you going to pitch to me, sonny?

Gary Hatt: Well… there were these hybrid… no there weren’t… we have two of the most popular Doc… no we don’t… basically… could I have another sandwich please?

Gary Russell: Help yourself – Nick’s middle name could be Generosity. When most people have stopped, he just keeps on giving. I hope I’ve got a tenth of his spunk when I’m his age. Tell me about your story.

Gary Hatt: It’s absolutely… you’ll love it… fits right in with the theme of your… what is the theme of the next anthology?

Gary Russell: It was Nick’s idea. ‘Short Trips – Icons’. Every story is to feature an icon of some kind, with linking material by Jac Rayner.

Paul Dullard: Really? Gosh. Well actually I had an idea…

Gary Hatt: Yeah, my story basically involves the Sixth Doctor meeting Elvis Presley…

Gary Russell: I love it – give me eight thousand words by the end of next month and I’ll be in touch.

Paul Dullard: I…

Gary Russell: You were going to say something?

Paul Dullard: I… um… could I possibly take one of those sandwiches home for my wife?

Gary Russell: Why not? Nick said there would be a demand so he gave me a couple of doggy bags.

Paul Dullard: Thanks.

Gary Russell: He even made the bags himself.

Paul Dullard: (voice over) And so Gary Hatt learns an important lesson that has been handed down from generation to son about how the important things in life come about when you seize your momentary opportunity to remind people that a good idea needn’t necessarily be an original idea. Anyone wanting the recipe for Nick Briggs’ sandwiches should send a stamped address envelope. Please enclose a jiffy bag if you want him to send you a sample.