The Dullard Report

With Paul Dullard

“The Writer” Part Six

Paul Dullard: (voice over) The craft of the writer demands that he puts himself into as many different shoes as possible while at the same time ensuring that his feet remain both on the ground and not tied down to any particular path. For a perfectionist like Gary Hatt, the key to the success he is sure he will have is being able to know what it feels like to empathise with as wide a range of people as he possibly can. Gary's first attempt at what actors would call "acting using the method acting method" has lead him here - to the local magistrates court - where he will be able to absorb the atmosphere of a real live trial.

Gary Hatt: Yeah, basically this is a great opportunity to really soak up the atmosphere of the court, mingle with some minor criminals, pick up a bit of terminology, rub a few shoulders with lawyers, maybe grab a cup of coffee and generally make lots of notes.

Paul Dullard: You're also being charged with indecent exposure.

Gary Hatt: I hadn't forgotten that, actually. But why dwell on that small part of today's experience when you could see the positive in every situation? Not only am I going to clear my name I'm also going to gain valuable knowledge and experience and so set myself apart from the chasing pack.

Paul Dullard: Are you worried that you might be found guilty?

Gary Hatt: How could they possibly find me guilty?

Paul Dullard: Because they found you naked in the park.

Gary Hatt: It is a basic principle of English law that a man is innocent until they can prove that he is guilty. Therefore they didn't find me in the park unless they can prove it is true. Besides, there was a really good reason for it which, if they can prove that I was where I was, will undoubtedly mitigate me.

Paul Dullard: (voice over) Gary nervously scans the faces of the criminals around him as he awaits the long wait before his fate is determined by those who decide the fates of people found guilty of crime.

Gary Hatt: I have a trained eye - he is undoubtedly a criminal.

Paul Dullard: Is it the sinister way he's wearing his uniform?

Gary Hatt: Not the police man - the person handcuffed to him.

Paul Dullard: Really? Gosh. How did you deduce that, Holmes?

Gary Hatt: Hatt. It was the forehead - always study the overhang of the forehead. Vampires have pronounced foreheads and they're all villains. It's basic psychology.

Paul Dullard: Psychology? I thought that was all about the mind.

Gary Hatt: It is - if the mind sticks out a long way then it stands to reason that the head will too. Speaking of things that stand to reason, here's my lawyer.

Lawyer: Are you Hatt, G?

Gary Hatt: Yes.

Lawyer: Just answer yes or no, ok?

Gary Hatt: Ok.

Lawyer: Is that a yes?

Gary Hatt: Yes.

Lawyer: Then kindly say so, ok?

Gary Hatt: Yes.

Lawyer: Are you pleading guilty or not guilty?

Gary Hatt: Um... not guilty.

Lawyer: So that's a no then?

Gary Hatt: Yes.

Lawyer: Yes it's a no or yes it isn't a no?

Gary Hatt: Yes meaning no.

Lawyer: Rape case is it?

Gary Hatt: No.

Lawyer: Oh no - that's ‘no meaning yes’. Get a bit confused, that's why I like things to be nice and clear. So - give me the gist of what you did?

Gary Hatt: What I'm alleged to have done.

Lawyer: Don't quibble - that's my job. Just a quick précis - who did what, when, where and to whom.

Gary Hatt: I am currently in the process of writing a three volume...

Lawyer: Quicker.

Gary Hatt: I'm a writer and I thought it would...

Lawyer: Quicker.

Gary Hatt: I thought I'd better understand...

Lawyer: Quicker.

Gary Hatt: I was there all night and then couldn't find...

Lawyer: Quicker.

Gary Hatt: A large group of...

Lawyer: Quicker.

Gary Hatt: Nuns found me naked in the park.

Lawyer: Disgusting.

Gary Hatt: I'm still technically innocent.

Lawyer: So was Shipman.

Gary Hatt: No he wasn't - they found him guilty.

Lawyer: Did they? I had a feeling he was guilty. Nice to know I was right. He had a guilty face.

Paul Dullard: Does Gary have a guilty face?

Lawyer: Tough for me to say - I know he did it, you see. With my layman's hat on I'd say he was clinically annoying but not actually a felon. With my lawyer's hat on I'd say he was two hundred pounds an hour and a favour to a chum from the golf club. He's getting me some cheap carpet in return.

Gary Hatt: Do you think I should tell the judge what happened at the beginning to save time or keep it in reserve for the final clinching argument.

Lawyer: Judge? There isn't a judge - just a magistrate. They don't really care about the facts. How old are you?

Gary Hatt: Twenty three.

Lawyer: Hmm - they don't really like anyone under twenty eight. That seems to be the cut off point. You're not coloured are you?

Gary Hatt: No.

Lawyer: Good. Do you drink?

Gary Hatt: Not very often.

Lawyer: Smoke?

Gary Hatt: No.

Lawyer: Damn – I left mine on my desk. Good good - my wife is always telling me I should give up. Now, would you be interested in entering a plea bargain?

Gary Hatt: What sort of plea bargain?

Lawyer: Sexual congress with a tree?

Gary Hatt: Certainly not.

Lawyer: Light fumbling with a shrub?

Gary Hatt: No.

Lawyer: A harmless grass fetish?

Gary Hatt: No way.

Lawyer: Temporary insanity?

Gary Hatt: How does that work?

Lawyer: Badly on the whole. They tend to lock up mental people.

Gary Hatt: Can't I just tell them the truth?

Lawyer: Ah - the element of surprise. Good thinking. You tell them the truth - that you are attracted to squirrels - and I'm sure you'll get off with a warning.

Gary Hatt: I was researching a book.

Lawyer: I thought it was a three volume epic?

Gary Hatt: It is - I meant book in the generic sense. I don't think we should overwhelm him with detail in case he steals my story. You can't trust anyone.

Lawyer: If you want my advice - and you're paying for it anyway - I'd throw yourself on the mercy of the court. Let them decide what to do with you. They'll probably make an example of you as a way of deterring others from doing what you did.

Gary Hatt: Are any of the nuns giving evidence?

Lawyer: Luckily for you none of them speak English. I considered bringing them in and letting them mime but I felt that would be detrimental to you.

Gary Hatt: It was a cold morning.

Paul Dullard: (voice over) It is an ancient principle of English law that cameras are not allowed into court and neither are other recording devices such as, but not limited to, ones like, or not like, this one, or one very like it, or not all that similar. I did some chalk sketches but they were so bad I had to tell the producer that my four year old had done them.

Gary Hatt: (interrupting) You've got a child?

Paul Dullard: Um... yes... Corinthia Adelaide...  she's four. 

Gary Hatt: Wow - that's unbelievable.

Paul Dullard: (voice over) Anyway, the principle that cameras aren't allowed into court means that we have had to suspend proceedings and now rejoin them at a time when you - the listener - don't know whether Gary Hatt has been imprisoned or... except he's just spoken so you know he's not been sent down to do a stretch in the big house.

Gary Hatt: Basically, I told the judge what happened - that I went out at night, took my clothes off and tried to simulate the experience of a werewolf waking up as a human being and not being able to get home without his clothes. But something must've taken my stuff while I was asleep so I had to fashion a primitive outfit out of moss, bark, leaves and a tracksuit that someone left in a bin. But before I could put the outfit on I realised I'd wandered off the common and onto the bypass and that was when the coach of Romanian nuns had to swerve to avoid me.

Paul Dullard: And he let you off?

Gary Hatt: He said I was bound over to keep my clothes on and fined five pounds.

Paul Dullard: So all's well that ends well?

Gary Hatt: Well, I gave away the big twist of Book two of the epic saga so I might have to rethink the second half of Book One but other than that it went quite well.

Paul Dullard: (voice over) So, all is well that ends well for Gary Hatt as his brush with justice turns out to be signing from a positive hymn sheet. The valuable experience he has gained may have cost him money and his reputation but in the long run it may turn out to have been worth every penny.