The Dullard Report

With Paul Dullard

“The Writer” Part Five

Paul Dullard: (voice over) The hard work and effort strewn toil that goes into being one of the top writers in the pool of talent about to be uncovered and unleashed upon a world which, if it knew they were coming, would be entirely unsuspecting, isn’t easy. Gary Hatt is a member of this almost certainly limited club and is biding his time before discovery by working in a warehouse to pay off debts incurred when the stupidity and ineptitude of others caused his last venture to fall at the first fence even though it was the favourite to succeed.

Gary Hatt: Today is like a really big day.

Paul Dullard: (voice over) Gary is about to explain that today is a big day for him personally because his former close friend and colleague and, before they became theoretically grown up and no longer allowed to do that sort of thing, innocent sleep over companion Mandy Mittens is having a meeting with a top author with whom Gary is hoping to borrow a few words or possibly steal them if the chance arises which it might do.

Gary Hatt: Mandy is having a meeting with Terrance Dicks about plans for him to write something for her.

Paul Dullard: (voice over) Gary is hoping to take advantage of Mandy’s meeting with an author who has the ability to open doors for Gary and not just in the sense of physical doors which need to be opened. Mandy Mittens is having a meeting with the prolific author Terrance Ducks about a possible project for her children’s fiction department. Gary…

Gary Hatt: Could you like stop doing that?

Paul Dullard: Um… sorry.

Paul Dullard: (voice over) Chastened, I agree to stop using voice overs and instead to talk directly to Gary.

Paul Dullard: So what do you think Terrance Ducks will be able to do for you?

Gary Hatt: Dicks.

Paul Dullard: Um…

Gary Hatt: That’s his name before you try to put something filthy in my mouth.

Paul Dullard: In any case, what do you think Mr Dicks will be able to do for you and your career?

Gary Hatt: He’s like one of the top authors in the world. He must’ve written close to or even more than a thousand books during his career. A mate of mine once said he saw some 8mm film that Barry Letts shot where Terrance was typing on two different typewriters at the same time using both his hands. I bet that’s true – film doesn’t lie.

Paul Dullard: What about King Kong?

Gary Hatt: That’s the exception which proves the rule.

Paul Dullard: (voice over) Gary is trying to figure out a way of getting from his current environment in the ground floor warehouse up to the sixth floor where Mandy Mittens works, a job made even more difficult by them being in entirely different buildings.

Gary Hatt: You’ve seen Mandy, yeah?

Paul Dullard: Perky girl with big... um... eyes?

Gary Hatt: Yeah.

Paul Dullard: Yes.

Gary Hatt: Could you phone her and say you need to shoot some more footage of her and I’ll come with you.

Paul Dullard: I’m not sure I could… it’s not lying as such but… well… um… I do worry about going to hell.

Gary Hatt: I’ll hold your microphone – then you won’t have to lie.

Paul Dullard: I’d be bound to bump into my wife if I went to hell.

Gary Hatt: I said if I hold your microphone then you won’t have to lie

Paul Dullard: And of course I would get the chance to interview some quite famous people… sorry?

Gary Hatt: Give me the microphone.

Paul Dullard: Um… good idea.

Paul Dullard: (voice over – very faint) Gary has decided to accompany me on a trip to see Many Mittens which I didn’t know I was going to make until he suggested I… look can I have to microphone back to do this bit?

Gary Hatt: I thought we said no more voice overs?

Paul Dullard: I… I could do them in post production I suppose.

Paul Dullard: (voice over) Having managed to get past security by the clever ruse of not actually being a security risk, Gary Hatt is making his way towards Mandy Mittens’ office and a date with either destiny or Terrance Dicks or both or possibly even neither.

Paul Dullard: Do you know where we’re going?

Gary Hatt: I’ve got the directional sense of a homing pigeon.

Paul Dullard: But you’ve never actually been here before so how can you home?

Gary Hatt: Instinct. I’ve got a nose for these things. I can smell opportunity.

Paul Dullard: Crikey – you’re right – we’ve found it.

Gary Hatt: You sound surprised?

Paul Dullard: I am – I mean I’m not because you said… and I said… and then you said again… and that’s all alright because we’re here now so any fears of getting lost and having to possibly eat one or other of us needn’t ever be mentioned again… what a shiny name plate she’s got.

Gary Hatt: “Amanda J Mittens (Head of Children’s Fiction)” – how pretentious can you get?

Paul Dullard: What does the J stand for?

Gary Hatt: Her middle name.

Paul Dullard: I see.

Gary Hatt: (knocks on door)

Mandy Mittens: Enter.

Gary Hatt: Hey Mand – it’s me.

Mandy Mittens: Oooh – ey-oh Gawy… I mean… good morning Hatt.

Gary Hatt: Where’s Terrance Dicks?

Mandy Mittens: What an odd question. Is it some kind of childish game?

Gary Hatt: I thought you were seeing Terrance Dicks today.

Mandy Mittens: He had to cancel – he started writing a note for his milkman at ten o’clock last night and by nine this morning he’d written a three volume dairy epic and was sadly unable to move his arms. He had to dial my number using his nose.

Gary Hatt: Is he coming back?

Mandy Mittens: He’s rescheduled for next Thursday. You’re on holiday next Thursday I understand.

Gary Hatt: I’m not.

Mandy Mittens: Yes you are.

Gary Hatt: It’s ok – I’m not.

Mandy Mittens: (picks up phone) Warehouse? This is Ms Mittens. Hatt is on holiday next Thursday, ok? If he tries to change it, sack him.

Gary Hatt: Mand…

Mandy Mittens: Nothing personal – just business. I remember the time you nearly emasculated Dave Martin and I won’t let it happen to Mr Dicks.

Gary Hatt: That could’ve happened to anyone…

Mandy Mittens: Oh and I’ve pressed the emergency alarm button under my desk so security will be here to remove you in under thirty seconds.

Gary Hatt: Mandy!

Mandy Mittens: They’re late. I’ll have to get them sacked.

Paul Dullard: (voice over) With another piece of the career jigsaw thrown in the waste bin of life, Gary can ponder on the lessons that he’s probably learned and will, next time, make sure he puts the corners down first, then the other top, bottom and side bits and perhaps even the middle too because otherwise he’s going to…

Gary Hatt: STOP DOING THAT.

Paul Dullard: Oh right.

Paul Dullard: (voice over) Sorry.