The Dullard Report

With Paul Dullard

“The Writer” Part Four

Paul Dullard: (voice over) In the twenty first century, unlike the one before it and the one before that but almost certainly like the one after it, it is essential that a modern and dynamic writer be able to be constantly kept in touch with by those that wish to contact him. Gary Hatt, prospective author and soon to be fully qualified forklift truck driver, has decided the time is right to purchase a new mobile telephone because he might be getting calls any day now from publishers even though he hasn’t sent them anything but his name might’ve come up on the grapevine.

Gary Hatt: Yeah, basically my old phone is six months old and that is like rubbish. It’s only got sixty four ring tones and the camera is so crap that it looks like something a twelve year old would draw.

Paul Dullard: Can I see it?

Gary Hatt: Let me see yours first.

Paul Dullard: I… um… it’s at home.

Gary Hatt: Why didn’t you bring it with you?

Paul Dullard: It’s attached to the wall. The GPO insisted.

Gary Hatt: I want a new Nokia 5001 – my Kokashita 220 was good in its day but that was over a long time ago.

Paul Dullard: Do you make a lot of calls?

Gary Hatt: It’s not for me to make calls. I need to be contactable at any time of the day or night no matter where I am or what I’m doing or who I’m doing it with. I can’t take the risk that a big break will slip through my fingers. I bet it’s happened to literally hundreds of good writers.

Paul Dullard: Such as?

Gary Hatt: I don’t know – that’s the point – they missed their chance to be famous because they didn’t bother to be properly in touch with contactability.

Paul Dullard: Right. So how much are you thinking of spending?

Gary Hatt: Spending? God – how old are you? No one “spends” money on a mobile phone. You get the phone free.

Paul Dullard: How does that work then?

Gary Hatt: Batteries.

Paul Dullard: I mean how does it work you getting the phone free?

Gary Hatt: You pay a monthly line rental.

Paul Dullard: But if it’s mobile it won’t have a line. Surely a line is the enemy of mobility.

Gary Hatt: It’s a digital line. You pay them to use the phone.

Paul Dullard: So what happens if you don’t use the phone?

Gary Hatt: You’ll be paying for it and not using it which is like really rubbish.

Paul Dullard: Does the monthly fee include all your calls too?

Gary Hatt: No.

Paul Dullard: So you pay them to have the thing and you have to use it otherwise you’re paying for something you’re not using and when you do use it they charge you again?

Gary Hatt: Yes.

Paul Dullard: So you’re effectively paying twice for something you said was free?

Gary Hatt: Yes… no… yes. In a way. But you’re paying for the convenience of having a phone in your pocket.

Paul Dullard: (voice over) Having made his decision from the multitude of shops which either specialise in mobile phones or specialise in something else and just sell mobile phones because people buy them, Gary explains to me his philosophy of negotiation.

Gary Hatt: Essentially I have something they want and they want me.

Paul Dullard: I thought you wanted them to give you a phone?

Gary Hatt: I do. And that is what they want.

Paul Dullard: They want to give you a phone?

Gary Hatt: They want me to want a phone.

Paul Dullard: But you do want a phone.

Gary Hatt: Yes but they don’t know that. I have to make them persuade me to want a phone.

Paul Dullard: Right.

Gary Hatt: They want my custom so I’ll let them try to make me want them. It’s all psychological – gone are the days when the shop had the power. Now it’s all in the hands of the consumer. I’m going to make them beg to let me have a phone.

Paul Dullard: I’m not sure we’ll be able to broadcast that before the water…thingy.

Gary Hatt: I’ll be gentle on them – it’s only a phone. It’s not like it’s a car or a house or a kidney machine.

Paul Dullard: (voice over) For legal reasons we’re unable to name the shop from which we attempted to extort a mobile phone. Neither the production team nor those involved in the making of the Dullard Report either endorse or unendorse either the company who sell the phones or the people who work for them. Or vice versa.

Gary Hatt: I’m considering a possible upgrade to my phone. What would you recommend?

Salesman: Well, sir, the Kokashita is very popular with your age group.

Gary Hatt: Nah – that’s just for kids. I want something grown up but fun, functional but rich in extra features. I want the phone that I deserve.

Salesman: I can see we’ve got a man who knows what he wants.

Gary Hatt: That you have.

Salesman: In which case, could I interest you in the Wanq 6005?

Gary Hatt: Is it good?

Salesman: It’s the best of the best. Full integrated with the very latest in high tech communications hyperware, it boasts well over ten thousand cubic watts of digital reception and if you press this button (BEEP) it lets you play Tetrix.

Gary Hatt: Is that like Tetris?

Salesman: Sufficiently different to avoid legal action I assure you.

Gary Hatt: Can I try it out?

Salesman: Why not? You could call your… um… friend here – what’s his number?

Paul Dullard: I don’t actually have a… I’ve never really wanted one…

Salesman: You don’t have a mobile? Are you insane, poor or just a freak with no friends?

Paul Dullard: What was the first option again?

Salesman: For just six pounds and ninety nine pence per calendar month you could have this.

Paul Dullard: Well… gosh… it’s very… isn’t it.

Salesman: It’s all that and more, sir. Just sign here.

Paul Dullard: I don’t… I haven’t made up my mind yet.

Salesman: Tell you what, I’ll ring you on it. Then you’ll see how good it sounds.

Paul Dullard: Hear.

Salesman: Obviously here – I can’t let you wander off with a valuable piece of equipment.

Paul Dullard: Oh – it’s ringing.

Salesman: Answer it.

Paul Dullard: How?

Salesman: Press the red button.

Paul Dullard: Oh… ah… um… hello? Dullardsville Productions, Paul Dullard speaking.

Salesman: It’s me.

Paul Dullard: Gosh – it’s a very good line. It’s like it’s in stereo.

Salesman: Do you want to buy the phone then?

Paul Dullard: Sorry – I don’t do business with cold callers. How do I hang up? There’s nothing to hang it up on.

Salesman: Press the red button.

Paul Dullard: Ah. Right.

Salesman: So, how was that?

Paul Dullard: It’s marvellous. Will the reception always be that good?

Salesman: Of course.

Paul Dullard: Because we were technically in the same room.

Salesman: You obviously don’t understand science. The signal from my phone was beamed up… er… two million miles into space where it bounced off a satellite and came back to your handset. That’s a total of four million miles. I don’t think feet or inches make much difference. You could be in Northampton and it would be as good.

Paul Dullard: Why would I be in Northampton?

Gary Hatt: I’ve got a friend in Northampton – he makes the most filling tuna pasta bake…

Paul Dullard: (voice over) And so the first stage of the process whereby publishers can immediately and conveniently contact him should they need to is complete. The mobile telephone is one of the modern tools of the modern writer and has earned a greater importance than even the pencil as they sweat their blood, sweat and tears in pursuit of artistic success, wealth and happiness.