The Dullard Report

With Paul Dullard

“The Writer” Part Three

Paul Dullard: (voice over) Just as day follows night and seagulls follow the trawler, so the writer follows ideas and where better to end the trail than a public library? These municipal temples to the art of reading seldom get their place on the social or political agenda but they are vital oasises… oases… each one is a vital oasis in the sea of peoples lives. I’m following Gary Hatt – writer and part time temporary full time forklift truck driver as he visits his local library to soak up the cultural atmosphere contained within each of its four walls.

Gary Hatt: Yeah, basically there aren’t that many ideas in the world so even a small library like this one must have most of them. It’s like films – you know someone once said there were only seven kinds of film in existence?

Paul Dullard: Really? What are they?

Gary Hatt: Erm… there’s… um… science fiction… comedy… cartoons… chick flicks… subtitles… black and white ones and director’s cuts.

Paul Dullard: Gosh – I never knew that. Is it the same for books?

Gary Hatt: Pretty much. It’s how you combine the basic building blocks that determines the type of book you end up telling. Rather like there being a limited number of bricks but builders can make millions of different houses.

Paul Dullard: I see. Piano players do something very similar I believe.

Gary Hatt: Nah – they daren’t risk their hands by working on a building site even if it probably pays better money. They daren’t risk the inherent dangers involved in manual labour.

Paul Dullard: What about writers? Do you worry that your principle means of expressing your talents is being put at risk by driving a forklift truck? What if there was an accident?

Gary Hatt: But it’s my job to make sure there isn’t an accident.

Paul Dullard: But what if there was?

Gary Hatt: There wouldn’t be.

Paul Dullard: But what if there was?

Gary Hatt: There wouldn’t be.

Paul Dullard: But what if there was?

Gary Hatt: Then I’d buy some voice recognition software and dictate my work.

Paul Dullard: How would you sign the credit card slip if your hands were broken?

Gary Hatt: I’d pay by cash.

Paul Dullard: How would you operate the cash machine without being able to input your PIN?

Gary Hatt: I’d… shut up. The library has a strict no talking unless you need to rule.

Paul Dullard: We’re not in the library yet.

Gary Hatt: Pretend we are.

Paul Dullard: (voice over) The principle of the British library is that anyone can come in off the street and read any book providing it’s on a shelf and they’re members of the library if they want to take the book outside the building. Gary has been a member of his local library ever since it became local to him as a result of his being born within the local area. He’s on first name terms with many of the staff and they greet him with cheery smiles and warm faces.

Gary Hatt: Hello Mrs G.

Mrs G: Ooh – hello Barry. How are you?

Gary Hatt: Gary.

Mrs G: Oh I’m glad to hear it.

Gary Hatt: I’m going to look for something about werewolves for like research. If you want to shoot some establishing shots make sure you don’t go near the children or Big Clive will think you’re a weirdo and go get his stick.

Paul Dullard: Right. We’ll just follow you I think.

Gary Hatt: Good choice. Werewolves… werewolves… they’ll be under W won’t they?

Paul Dullard: Um… I think they have sections and things.

Gary Hatt: Yeah – I know – they do it alphabetically. Waugh… Wodehouse… Wolfe… no werewolves. What the heck kind of library is this?

Paul Dullard: Have you tried the dogs section?

Gary Hatt: Under D, yeah?

Paul Dullard: Um…

Gary Hatt: I’ll go and see.

Paul Dullard: (voice over) In this age of internet knowledge and online libraries of information, the local library might seem rather old fashioned and out of date but deep down there is nothing as effective or satisfying as walking along some shelves and finding what you’re looking for.

Gary Hatt: I can’t find them. This library is rubbish.

Paul Dullard: Why don’t you ask someone?

Gary Hatt: I don’t need a second opinion – it’s rubbish. Their opinions won’t sway me one way or the opposite.

Paul Dullard: I mean someone who works here might be able to point you in the right direction.

Gary Hatt: Yeah I know. I was about to if you’ll move out of the way.

Mrs G: Ohh – hello Barry.

Gary Hatt: Hi Mrs G. Do you have anything on any werewolves?

Mrs G: I reckon I could blackmail one just by knowing he turned into a wolf every month.

Gary Hatt: Very droll, Mrs G. Do you have any books about werewolves?

Mrs G: Hundreds – we’ve got hundreds of books. I’ll try the computer.

Gary Hatt: Now we’re talking – their database is fantastic. Thanks to that I’ve been able to track down every single Apocalypse Frank graphic novel AND the two spin offs – Nuclear Jeffrey and Neutron Powered Alan. I wouldn’t have thought it possible but Mrs G proved me wrong.

Mrs G: Right – here we go – one hundred and ninety six books with ‘werewolf’ included somewhere in the record.

Gary Hatt: Now that’s what I call good service. Which is the least popular one?

Mrs G: The most popular one?

Gary Hatt: No, Mrs G, the one that has been taken out the least.

Paul Dullard: Why would you…?

Gary Hatt: Because it stands to reason that a book no one reads would be a great source of ideas for my epic saga.

Mrs G: “Hamish the Prize Winning Strangler” has only been borrowed once and that was a mistake.

Gary Hatt: In that case I’ll take it.

Mrs G: It’s down in the basement – I’ll only be a couple of minutes.

Paul Dullard: Are you planning to steal the plot of this book?

Gary Hatt: Absolutely not but one cannot help but be influenced by the wide array of media to which one is exposed during the course of the average life span.

Mrs G: Here you are dear.

Gary Hatt: Thanks, Mrs G. Put it on my tab.

Paul Dullard: Can I see that? “Hamish is the world’s first genetically modified winner of Crufts. Corrupted by power and hurt by the ostracism he suffers at the paws of his fellow competitors he decides to hunt down and kill the scientists who made him so unusual. Using only his amplified brain and his trusty lead he pursues his deadly quest until the inevitable resolution.”

Gary Hatt: That doesn’t sound very werewolfy.

Paul Dullard: It says it’s by Colin Foule who apparently also wrote “Prendergast the Amish Werewolf”, “A Haemophiliac Vampire in London” and “Rasputin vs The Mummy”.

Gary Hatt:  Mrs G…

Mrs G: Yes Barry?

Gary Hatt: Could you possibly find me a book called “Prendergast the Amish Werewolf”?

Mrs G: It’s on the shelves – under F.

Paul Dullard: For Foule?

Mrs G: No – for Prendergast – someone dripped soup on the cover and made the P look like an F. I’ve been meaning to move it for years but people will keep interrupting me.