The Dullard Report

With Paul Dullard

“The Writer” Part Two

Paul Dullard: (voice over) Following a number of high profile and rather costly bills related to and at least partially caused in their entirety by his below-success-threshold convention, Gary Hatt is working in his uncle’s publishing company in the capacity of a trainee forklift truck driver while coming up with ideas which may one day blossom into good ideas. It’s Friday morning and Gary is apparently feeling unwell and is unable to go to work as a result.

Gary Hatt: Yeah, basically I’ve got to ring them and pretend I’ve got a headache and that way I get a whole day off.

Paul Dullard: Well, if you’ve got a headache that’s probably for the best.

Gary Hatt: No, I haven’t like got a real headache – it’s a lie.

Paul Dullard: So what’s really wrong with you?

Gary Hatt: Nothing.

Paul Dullard: Really?

Gary Hatt: Yeah.

Paul Dullard: So why are you ringing in sick?

Gary Hatt: Because I like want a day off to really get down to writing my ideas onto paper.

Paul Dullard: Aren’t you worried about getting caught?

Gary Hatt: Nah – part of the advantage in having a fertile imagination like mine is that I’m a fantastic liar.

Paul Dullard: Really?

Gary Hatt: Yeah. Let’s try an experiment – I’ll tell you something that isn’t true and you have to say whether you believe me or not.

Paul Dullard: Ok.

Gary Hatt: You understand?

Paul Dullard: What do you mean?

Gary Hatt: What?

Paul Dullard: Why is saying that I understand classed as a lie?

Gary Hatt: I haven’t started yet.

Paul Dullard: Oh right. In that case I do understand. The next thing you say will be false.

Gary Hatt: Exactly. Erm… I’ve got a really bad headache.

Paul Dullard: Oh dear – have you taken anything?

Gary Hatt: No. No – I’ve not actually got a headache. It was a lie.

Paul Dullard: Oh right. Yes. I see. So you have taken something for it then?

Gary Hatt: What?

Paul Dullard: For your headache. You lied about not having taken anything.

Gary Hatt: No – I lied about having a headache.

Paul Dullard: So why did you take headache tablets if you haven’t got a headache?

Gary Hatt: I didn’t – I lied about the headache but told the truth about the pills.

Paul Dullard: But I thought you were going to lie about everything to test how good a liar you were.

Gary Hatt: I don’t need to test how good I am – I’m a brilliant liar.

Paul Dullard: So you did take the pills after all but lied about it?

Gary Hatt: No…

Paul Dullard: Was it a cry for help? I once did a programme about someone who worked for the Samaritans so I know a bit about helping the mentally disturbed.

Gary Hatt: I’m not mentally disturbed.

Paul Dullard: Are you still lying?

Gary Hatt: No.

Paul Dullard: But I can’t be sure whether to believe that or not. Anyway, the programme never got broadcast because the man drove himself down to Beachy Head and tried to gas himself. Luckily he’d used up almost all of his petrol so the engine cut out before he died. He tried to jump off the cliff but couldn’t get his seatbelt undone so he ended up having to call the AA.

Gary Hatt: That’s lucky.

Paul Dullard: Not really – the mechanic was a Christian fundamentalist and took such great offence at the attempted suicide that he ran him over.

Gary Hatt: Wow.

Paul Dullard: I’ve got the tape at home. I suppose we were lucky not to have been gassed ourselves.

Gary Hatt: You were in the car?

Paul Dullard: He insisted.

Gary Hatt: Blimey. Anyway, I’ve got to call in before ten or they won’t pay me. Do I sound like I’ve got a headache?

Paul Dullard: Yes.

Gary Hatt: Good. It’s ringing… Hello? Mr Pantaloon? It’s Gary Hatt. I’ve got a really bad headache and can’t come in today… Yes, I’ll probably just go to bed and sleep it off… No I wouldn’t say I was a big poof… Well actually I used to play rugby for the third fifteen… Well, when I say headache I mean it’s not just a headache… it’s a migraine… do you?… and you still go to work?… Yeah well it’s actually a migraine which the doctor thinks might be a symptom of something more serious… Is it?… and the treatment means it’s a wig?… Wow – mine too… Yeah… it is a bugger isn’t it… Twelve months to live?… Crikey… Me? Oh similar – maybe six, maybe nine… No, good point, I won’t be needing a permanent contract… I’d love to go to your house one evening to look at your scan results… of course I’ll bring mine… we could have a tumour party… yeah… see you on Monday… Bye.

Paul Dullard: How do you think that went?

Gary Hatt: Shut up.

Paul Dullard: You could put that in one of your stories.

Paul Dullard: (voice over) Gary, having put to one side the tricky business of real life and its interruptions to his fictional world, makes himself a cup of coffee and sits down at his desk to begin the business of planning what he’s going to work on.

Gary Hatt: Basically, the word processor has changed the role of the writer from a guy with a pen to a guy with a computer.

Paul Dullard: What about the typewriter?

Gary Hatt: The typewriter was basically an evolutionary stage between the biro and the computer.

Paul Dullard: Some people think that the computer renders their work soulless and empty.

Gary Hatt: I don’t.

Paul Dullard: Oh right. That’s lucky. What are you going to do first?

Gary Hatt: Well, since the coffee will get cold but my brain will only get more active I think I should drink this before getting down to some serious work.

Paul Dullard: Are you going to concentrate on your werewolf novel today?

Gary Hatt: It’s not a novel, it’s a saga. Three very different but deeply interconnected tales which can be read in any order and which fit together like a glove. I think I’ll go for a walk before starting work – to clear my head, order my thoughts, stimulate my mind and, if they’ve got it, pick up the latest issue of ‘Atomic Conception’ from the comic book store in town. I might as well have lunch while I’m there. See you this afternoon.

Paul Dullard: Can’t we come with you?

Gary Hatt: Erm, ok, but you’re paying your own bus fare.