The Dullard Report

With Paul Dullard

“The Writer”

Paul Dullard: (voice over) There was an old saying once upon a time which is just as true today as it was back then. They used to say, and still do, that you should never go back. With those words ringing in my ears I chose to ignore them and persuade Gary Hatt – former convention organiser and magazine producer – to take part in a second series of The Dullard Report. Gary Hatt is a man with a dream…

Gary Hatt: Yeah, basically, like, I’ve always wanted to be a writer. Well, I’ve been a writer before – Catharsis of Spurious Morality didn’t write itself – but this time I want to do something proper. Fan produced magazines are great while they’re great but there comes a time when the ship has sailed and you can’t turn back the water that’s already flowed under the bridge.

Paul Dullard: Especially if you’ve burned the bridge before hand.

Gary Hatt: Don’t start. Just don’t.

Paul Dullard: (voice over) In order to pay off a small outstanding sum of money still owed to his father for the not overwhelmingly successful convention fiasco, Gary has been persuaded to take a job at one of his father’s friends companies.

Gary Hatt: It really was a gift from up above.

Paul Dullard: The print room?

Gary Hatt: Not literally up above – I mean God and stuff like that. I’m a writer and this is a publishing company. I’ve fallen on my feet – just like a cat would – and if I make the right moves I could network myself into fame and fortune.

Paul Dullard: But you’re currently driving a forklift truck.

Gary Hatt: They don’t let you walk in off the street and start writing books. You have to work your way up from the bottom. If I do a good job here then Uncle Barry might pop down and say “Gary, m’boy, Jeff tells me you’ve written an epic three book werewolf novel – I’d love to read it. By the way, great forklift driving.”

Paul Dullard: Is that likely?

Gary Hatt: Well, I’ve not actually written all three volumes yet but I’ve made some pretty detailed notes.

Paul Dullard: I see you carry a note book round with you.

Gary Hatt: Yeah – it’s like one of the basic tools of the writer. You never know when inspiration will strike.

Paul Dullard: Have you written anything today?

Gary Hatt: Loads – absolutely bursting with ideas.

Paul Dullard: Can I see any of them?

Gary Hatt: Sorry, no, I um have to keep both hands on the steering wheel or I might crash the forklift.

Paul Dullard: I could probably reach it…

Gary Hatt: Don’t do thaaaaat.

Paul Dullard: Sorry – was that…

Gary Hatt: Yes.

Paul Dullard: I was looking for the note pad.

Gary Hatt: I realise that. Let’s forget all about it… perv.

Paul Dullard: I got the notebook anyway.

Gary Hatt: Ah…

Paul Dullard: Tuesday – don’t forget new Radio Times. Idea for novel – “The Website of Dorian Gray” where a man’s website becomes corrupted while the man’s face remains young despite his lifestyle. Check ownership of doriangray.com, .co.uk and .tv.

Gary Hatt: I’ll sue anyone watching this who like steals the idea.

Paul Dullard: I’m sure you don’t have to worry about that. So what do you actually do here in the warehouse?

Gary Hatt: I drive this forklift truck.

Paul Dullard: To what end?

Gary Hatt: That end over there. Then I turn round and come back.

Paul Dullard: I mean what do you move or carry?

Gary Hatt: I’ve not learned moving or carrying yet. First morning, Bozza sat me in the cab and showed me forwards, backwards, left, right, reverse and how to do wheelies. He didn’t say anything about carrying stuff. So I just make myself look busy and work on my writing. I see writing a novel as partly physical, partly mental and partly spiritual.

Paul Dullard: Which are you doing now?

Gary Hatt: Bit of spiritual, bit of mental. You have to get inside your characters. Know how they’d react.

Paul Dullard: How would they react?

Gary Hatt: It depends on the situation.

Paul Dullard: I see. That’s clever.

Gary Hatt: That’s just the basics. I need to know my characters better than I know myself.

Paul Dullard: Isn’t that a bit difficult?

Gary Hatt: Yes and no – on the one hand I don’t know how well I know myself because knowing myself might be one of the things I don’t know. But on the other hand Belinda is a nymphomaniac lesbian so I’ve spent ages imagining myself in her shoes.

Paul Dullard: Sensible shoes I expect.

Gary Hatt: Usually high heels though sometimes she wears really long leather boots and… damn – I’ve missed my turning.

Paul Dullard: Does that mean we’re going to smash into the wall?

Gary Hatt: Prob… (crash)

Paul Dullard: (voice over) For Gary Hatt, working in this publisher’s warehouse is the means to an end although there’s another end that he’d like it to be the means to as well. Gary’s former colleague, former co-worker and former best friend Mandy Mittens joined the work force on the same day as Gary but has managed to get promoted and become editor of the children’s fiction department.

Paul Dullard: So, Mandy…

Mandy Mittens: Ms Mittens, please, let’s keep this professional.

Paul Dullard: Ah… um… right… So what exactly do you do here in the children’s fiction department?

Mandy Mittens: We publish fiction for children.

Paul Dullard: Gosh. What made them think you were right for the job?

Mandy Mittens: Essentially it’s because I have essential life chronology synergies which overlap and enable me to cross facilitate the needs of our two core demographic catchment areas.

Paul Dullard: So it’s not what Gary said then?

Mandy Mittens: What did Gary say?

Paul Dullard: That you wear really short skirts and the managing editor of the fiction department finds merit in them?

Mandy Mittens: Yes, well, there’s one thing you have to remember in life, Paul.

Paul Dullard: What’s that?

Mandy Mittens: That you can either be a lion or a gazelle. Some people are noble predators who rule the jungle with an iron fist and some people are graceful and serene until they get eaten to death.

Paul Dullard: Which is Gary?

Mandy Mittens: I hadn’t really thought that far. He’s probably some kind of monkey.

Paul Dullard: Would you commission Gary to write a book?

Mandy Mittens: If the idea was original and the writing was good then certainly I would.

Paul Dullard: Right…

Mandy Mittens: So the answer is no.

Paul Dullard: You don’t respect him as an artist then?

Mandy Mittens: Gary couldn’t write a note for the dentist.

Paul Dullard: I hear he’s working on a three-book werewolf saga.

Mandy Mittens: He started that when we were twelve. And it was my idea.

Paul Dullard: (voice over) And so as Gary and Mandy’s lives take similar but diametrically opposite routes to the same place but different parts of it, we reflect on how one should never give up ones dreams even if hard work, imagination and forklift driving skills are considered less important than wearing a short skirt with no knickers.

Next Week

Gary Hatt: The entire warehouse is heated just by burning copies of Shane Richie’s autobiography. We’ve got gas central heating but this way helps morale.