DOCTOR WHO AND THE TOAST MONSTER

PART TWO

“Doctor” called Adric. “Doctor, come quickly.”

The Doctor raced round the corner to find out what was the matter. He stared with horror at the sight that met him. He came face to face with his worst fear – pure, unsullied evil.

“Daleks” he spat.

The war machine starred at them coldly. It lacked the normal Dalek nervousness – twitching with eager hate, rolling back and forth as it craved destruction. But this Dalek didn’t move. The Doctor carefully approached it and wiggled it’s gun. Nothing. He knocked in it’s dome and called “Coo-ee”. Nothing.

“It’s a dummy” he concluded. His companions breathed a sigh of relief. None of them had ever met a Dalek but had felt the Doctor’s trauma as his regenerational anguish filled their minds with images of his enemies. They knew all they ever wanted to know about Daleks.

The three young people walked around the fake Dalek, taking in the frankly ridiculous form. Stripped of the power to kill, the Dalek looked absurd – tacky even. It didn’t help that the Doctor’s investigations revealed that it was, in fact, made of wood. Cheap wood, obviously.

“Someone’s idea of a joke ?” asked Tegan.

“I have a feeling this entire place is someone’s idea of a joke” said the Doctor.

Smith had been amazed at the power of the cybergun. Not that he let it show. He’d tossed it aside as if it impressed him not one bit. Euan had retrieved it and was happily blasting away. Every identical blast yielding the same astonished murmur.

“Coooooool.”

“We’ve got to get away from this place” said Smith. “I’ve got tickets for the hamster Olympics in Croydon and my plane tickets are non-refundable.”

“I bet we’re on Mars. Or maybe in Hell” said Stevo cheerily.

“When I find who’s responsible, I’m going to make the miserable worm stroking slap monkey eat his own legs” growled Smith, adding “aren’t you Euan.”

“We’ve been down this passageway before” complained Euan, pointing out the debris from a blaster shot.

“Sodgobblins” cursed Smith, “I fear you may be un-wrong. I think it’s time we started making an awful lot of noise – if there’s intelligent life here, let it find us not the other way around. Stevo – imagine Euan and m’self are a drunken audience at House of Vomit – it’s karaoke time.”

Stevo cleared his throat and, abandoning his usual depressed mumble, he launched into a raspy performance of “Stand By Your Man”.

The Pebelon shuttle landed on the roof of Romeo Challenger’s house. They disembarked with typical Pebelon efficiency.

“I have brought the Y Bombs” said M’onk, “They have been calibrated to Romeo Challenger’s exact energy signature. “They cannot fail.”

“Then we shall go – death to Challenger” said L’unk.

“DEATH TO CHALLENGER” roared his men.

Romeo Challenger starred at his dream rock. He couldn’t seem to tear his eyes away from the sheer blackness of it. It was as if the rock were absorbing the energy from his gaze. In the end he had to close them and put his mind to work. Reality was proving very disappointing – he wanted some action. He mentally searched his museum, considering each of the alien races contained within. Did he want to battle Daleks? He thought not – Daleks always gave him a headache. Besides, he’d just foiled their attempt to invade Earth and steal the magnetic core. Twice. Monoids? He hadn’t defeated the Monoids for weeks. But they were rather feeble opponents. Not up to Romeo’s standards. He tended to leave them for days when he had a cold and wasn’t at 100%. He tried to concentrate on the Pebelons (and their new scheme to enslave the peaceful world of Blunda because of it’s valuable mineral deposits – credible motivation was very important in Romeo’s fantasies) but the three weirdoes that had forced their way into his recent dreamscape kept dominating proceedings. He could see and hear them but he didn’t seem able to control them. He could control what happened around them but couldn’t seem to influence their actions.

Smith couldn’t quite believe that alien frogs were attacking them. Had the juice kicked in at last? He hoped so – otherwise he was going to give the Vin Man one hell of a beating for selling them rubbish. Euan was blasting away with the cybergun but the more he shot, the more kept appearing. Stevo took this as a portent that the world was ending. But then Stevo had taken the cancellation of “Anne & Nick” as a portent of the end of the world. He crossed his fingers and hoped it was true this time. Smith pulled out an umbrella and deflected the tide of amphibians while complaining loudly because this was not what he’d paid for. Euan continued to fire. They were ankle deep in dead frogs and Smith shouted that someone was going to pay. For his shoes if nothing else.

Romeo was bored with a tide of frogs – it wasn’t as good as he’d imagined. He wanted them to devour the three oddballs. To strip the flesh from the bone like those fish he’d seen in the aqua-zoo. All they’d done is hop and splat. He screwed up his eyes and imagined the frogs grow to the size of horses. There – that would be more entertaining. This imagination lark was proving hard work.

The Doctor had finally found what he wasn’t looking for. He wanted answers and he’d found a chamber filled with display cases. On show were alien monsters (stuffed or faked – he wasn’t sure which), relics from his own life and even a replica of his TARDIS. At least, he hoped it was a replica. Once before he’d faced up to the possibility of being an exhibit in a museum and he’d realised that there was a difference between flattery and being frozen alive by aliens with bad hair. He tapped the TARDIS prop and was relieved that it was just that – a wooden replica. All the same, this was definitely weird. Weirder still was a photograph which his new vantage point allowed him to see. It was of a tall man with dark, curly hair. The Doctor recognised it as himself (albeit when he was younger). It was signed, in big, clumsy writing “To Romeo – I’ll save time, you save space!!!” and was signed “The Proctor”. It was like being in an extremely poor practical joke. Adric, Nyssa and Tegan wandered round the hall and examined the supposed past of their companion. There seemed to be a lot of waistcoats and a lot of shoes.

“Is all this yours?” asked Tegan.

“Well I don’t recognise everything but what’s to say it’s not in my future?” he replied. “I’m fairly sure this isn’t mine though.” He held up an orange bikini.

“I’m bored” wailed Adric.

“Well that looks like the old TARDIS food machine” said the Doctor, pointing to a large machine with flashing lights. “Help yourself.”

Adric waddled over to the machine and began pressing buttons and twiddling with dials until he got what he wanted. Food. Lots of food. In the end he flipped the switch to cancel the individual portion wrappings and blocks of ready-to-eat goodness poured out of the slot. That saved time and no mistake.

“Doctor” called Nyssa. He turned round and saw her, ashen faced, clutching her Trakenian tiara

The Doctor went over to console her.

"It's ok - it's just an object. An object that someone has managed to get hold of. It doesn't mean anything happened to you - no more than my possessions being here means something happened to me. It's just another question than we will have to answer before leaving here." She smiled at him but he could see the fear in her eyes. The tiara was the last relic of her life on Traken. Possibly the last relic OF Traken. Which would, the Doctor reasoned, make the object valuable. All the more reason for it to have been bought and sold. The Doctor knew he had to tell himself things like that - it made him seem so much more believable when called upon to be strong.

Romeo was bored of torturing his mental creations. He put his dream rock down on its cushion and went to get a cup of coffee. Something to stimulate his imagination. To wake him up. He remembered that he had a meeting that afternoon with a man who said he had a genuine Proctor relic - the head of the Proctor's robot dog Kane Iron. Romeo Challenger would kill for such a thing. But only if he had to. He was, after all, a hero first and foremost and a hero was someone who only killed where absolutely necessary. Romeo crossed the floor of his main hall and suddenly came face to face with a tall, blonde stranger.

Smith was pleased that the frogs had stopped attacking him.

"Finally they get that the whole lemming gimmick is so last century" he said to no one in particular. Euan continued to blast the corpses, the mashed remains bubbling like hot mud.

"Sooner or later we're gonna meet someone you know" mumbled Stevo.

"When we do, go along with whatever I say. I'm fluent enough in Russian, Chinese, Arabic and French to fool them that we're on their side. First rule of survival - learn your enemy's lingo and you can always change teams."

"What if we're on, like, Mars or something ?"

"Wrap up warm" said Smith.

"Who the hell are you?" demanded Romeo.

"I am the Doctor" replied the tall stranger.

“Who?”

"Sometimes, yes."

"How did you get here?”

"That's rather difficult to explain. What I'd like to know is where you obtained all my... these objects?”

"I am a collector. My private museum is the finest on Scallon."

“Scallon?" whispered Nyssa, "you said we were on Frinta". Adric looked sheepish.

"You have a very fine collection but the theme confuses me" said the Doctor.

"It is dedicated to the battles for freedom undertaken by the finest warrior of the age - The Proctor. A lord of time who fights evil wherever he finds it. He saved Scallon over a hundred years ago - my grandfather assisted him and founded this museum. It used to be open to the public but I... ah... put a stop to that. Some things are too valuable to be put on public display. Now - you still haven’t explained who you are or why you are here."

"The Proctor?" asked The Doctor, ignoring Romeo's question.

"Yes - the Proctor, lord of time. You must've heard of him?”

"I... think I know of him."

"Without the Proctor, Scallon would be in the hands of the..."

“Cybermen?" speculated the Doctor.

"Sontarans - surely you know our history. The Proctor managed to reverse the polarity of the neutron flow and when they went to recharge themselves, they all got electrocuted."

"He sounds very resourceful" said the Doctor. "So all these exhibits belonged to the Proctor?”

"Yes indeed - his entire life is here. Well, here and in boxes in the stockrooms. We've been acquiring things for almost a century - you won't believe how much you can accumulate."

"Oh I can imagine" said the Doctor with a wry smile.

"You still haven't explained how you came to be here - I've explained that the public are not welcome."

"What's that?" asked the Doctor suddenly. He was pointing to the black rock snugly resting upon a burgundy cushion.

"It's a dream rock, anyone can see that. I'm going to give you one more change to explain why you're here, and how you got past the security system, or I'm calling PolSec."

"Let me guess - they'll beat the truth out of me and I would be better of coming clean now?”

"Something like that."

"It's quite simple - we are travellers and we happened to find ourselves here. We didn't choose to come here, we're not thieves, terrorists, spies, assassins or enemy agents. We're just travellers and we would be happy to leave as and when you ask us to."

"Hmm - that sounds like a double bluff to me" said Romeo suspiciously.

"Oh good grief..." sighed the Doctor.

Smith could hear voices up ahead.

"Gentlemen - I think we've found ourselves some action."

"Shall I throw a smoke bomb in?" asked Euan, brandishing a stick of something nasty.

"Smoke bomb? Good lord - have you no finesse? Remember the first rule" Smith had a lot of first rules, "smoke bombs should only be used once we've established there are no convenient man sized air vents to hand."

"That's very true" agreed Euan. "Sorry."

"The first rule clearly states that all television is based on truth."

"Also very true."

"So trouser your smoke bomb and start looking for a convenient man sized air vent for us to crawl through."

“Is that a Smith sized air vent or a me sized air vent?” asked Stevo.

“Are you implying that I might lean towards the anti-svelte persuasion?” demanded Smith.

“Yes.”

“Fair enough.”

The Pebelons had landed and were on their fearsome way to find Challenger. Romeo’s little doggie (named “Alfred The Great” after a character in Plimpton’s History of Historical Cakes) scampered over to them. The little fellow yapped at the Pebelon leader. He simply trod on the creature, barely even registering the disturbance. Those following him trampled on the remains, their eyes fixed on the road ahead. Remember this incident boys and girls – Pebelons are evil. Romeo had made them the most evil race in the universe and they were living up to their billing.

“Ka bista pok” said L’unk. Pebelons had a habit of lapsing into their native tongue. Romeo had found it added depth to them as characters. It also meant there were times when he couldn’t simply overhear their plans – this added to the challenge of beating them.

“To gista bok” replied the second in command.

“Pee loka mump” added L’unk. The rest of the small (but evil) Pebelon landing force roared their approval.

Smith, Euan and Stevo had found an air duct and were crawling through to what they hoped (and television had led them to believe) would be freedom. Or just somewhere more interesting than endless dark corridors. Hitchcock could, mused Smith, make corridors interesting but real life was not Alfred Hitchcock. Air ducts had a glamour that corridors couldn’t match. Yes both were long, dusty and boring but air ducts were cramped and exciting. They had mystery. No one can, Smith believed, crawl through such a shaft without imagining they are Napoleon Solo, Captain Kirk or some other hero. So, for the first two minutes, it was a real adventure. Crawling like spy-mice through the maze of tunnels. Then the team’s rather unhealthy diet kicked in and things became rather nasty.

"What exactly is a dream rock?" asked the Doctor.

"It makes day dreams as real as night dreams. It allows full reign to the imagination. It lets me save the universe…"

"Some kind of hallucinogenic compound on the surface perhaps?”

"That was the first thing our scientists thought of" continued Challenger. "They tested it for every known drug - both artificial and natural - and nothing has been found. It is thought that it is simply a crystalline matrix which amplifies mental energies."

"That would make some sense but... somehow I doubt it" said the Doctor. "Where did it come from?”

“An asteroid collided with Scallon around fifty years ago. Luckily it hit an unpopulated region of the planet – the Klanma dessert to be exact.”

“Were you expecting the collision?”

“That’s a slightly odd thing – it was predicted to miss but, luckily for us, it seemed to change course and hone in on us.”

“Unusual behaviour for an asteroid wouldn’t you say?”

“We prefer to think of it as a happy accident. Scallon has become a much more peaceful world since we were given the dream rocks. Well, apart from defending ourselves against attacks from aliens of course. Then the dream rocks become very useful training for new recruits to our defensive legions.“

“The entire asteroid was made of this strange substance?”

“It was amazingly pure, yes.”

"Do you think I could examine it ?" asked the Doctor. Challenger watched him carefully but allowed him to handle the precious object. The Doctor picked it up and recoiled in terror as he lived an entire lifetime in an instant.

"What is it ?" asked a concerned Tegan.

"I...I..." stammered the Doctor. "I'm not sure." He reached out again and, with fingertips only, touched the rock. The sensation wasn't quite as strong this time but it was still like an electric current passing through him. Once his composure returned, he looked up at Romeo and gasped "It's alive."

"What nonsense" scoffed Challenger. "It's a rock - little more than a child's toy. How can it be alive?”

"It's not alive in the sense that you'd understand it but it is sentient."

"Utter rubbish Doctor - it's a crystalline matrix which amplifies mental energies - like the sun shining through a magnifying glass."

"I tell you that thing is alive. What's more, I suspect it's feeding on the mental energies your pouring into it."

“Feeding? On my brain waves?" laughed Challenger. "I've never heard such utter rubbish in my life."

"I admit it would probably suffer from malnutrition" snapped the Doctor sarcastically.

"I don't like your tone Doctor - I think you and your strange friends should leave."

"Scallon" said the Doctor suddenly. "The planet of death."

“What?”

"I've been trying to remember why your planet is infamous. What year is this?”

"We're in the sixth dynasty."

"I thought so - this world was famous for attacking any ships which came within firing range."

"You've been misinformed Doctor - we were defending ourselves against a continuous attack from Out There."

"Who do you think was responsible?”

"We never did find out - the Emperor said they were hostile aliens and that was enough for us."

"Mr Challenger - I don't think your planet was ever under attack by aliens, or at least not as you'd understand them. I think a huge sentient asteroid deliberately hit this planet and it tried to feed of the mental energies around it. However it was too far away from civilisation to survive on the meagre signals it was receiving so it used the last of its strength to make your people paranoid about alien attack. Maybe it even faked the first few ships. A paranoid and scared race would suddenly be like a banquet for it - don't you see - it made you attack innocent ships just to feed itself. Somehow it became broken up and it had to resort to other means to maintain its power. It managed to lure your people to it, get itself broken up and it spread around the planet like a bacterium. "

"I've never heard anything..."

"So ridiculous? Is it ridiculous that this huge rock, hit by a stray missile during one of your engagements, gets fragmented. But just when you might expect its power to die, people start taking them into their homes. They find that these rocks can make your dreams come true - merely a projection of a tiny part of your mind's output. A necessary expenditure of energy considering what it gets in return."

"So this rock is some kind of parasite?”

"Exactly."

"Is it harmful? it seems rather a nice arrangement - we give it brain waves and it gives us pleasure. Everyone wins."

"I some how doubt it's that simple" cautioned the Doctor.

"You strike me as a pessimistic fellow" said Romeo. Tegan nodded her head woefully.

"But he's usually right" she added.

Smith had seen the light at the end of the tunnel. Literally.

“Freedom awaits us gentlemen” he announced. Euan had been holding his breath for the previous three minutes and Stevo was wondering why he wasn’t dead.

“What do we do when we get there?” he asked.

“I think we have our usual seven options” said Smith.

“That sounds good” said Stevo.

“One – do nothing, two – hide, three – run away, four – double back, five – smile engagingly, six – rewire the security cameras and seven – die (horribly or otherwise).”

“Which do you think?”

“I’m plumping for option two – find something hefty and hide behind it” explained Smith.

“Me and Euan could hide behind you” said Stevo in his usual deadpan monotone.

“And I could ‘accidentally’ move one foot to the left and you could enjoy option seven” replied Smith tersely.

“There’ll probably be a large bank of computers” said Euan oddly. He was still not breathing in so his voice was rather strained.

The three reached the grill through which the light was spilling. Smith carefully moved it to one side and stuck his head out. Over on the other side of what turned out to be a large hall were two girls, a thing which was either a fat boy or a fat girl, a tall blonde and a guy in black leather. Kinky. Smith turned himself round and let his body drop to the floor. He froze for a second, waiting to see if he’d made enough noise to be noticed. When no alarm was raised, he made a silent dash to the nearest cover. Once safe, he motioned for Euan to follow him and, eventually, they were joined by Stevo. They were safe. But they couldn’t earwig on what was clearly an interesting conversation. Smith started to crawl towards the action. Thankfully the large room offered plenty of places for determined eavesdroppers to hide and it only took then perhaps five minutes to get in snooping range.

“This whole building is a memorial to The Proctor and all his adventures” explained Romeo. He had been explaining all about the Proctor – about his TARDIS, his various glamorous assistants, his habit of turning up at just the right time and saving the day. He spoke with envy in his voice – the Proctor was real, Romeo’s adventures were mere illusions. He took out a strange black tube with regular holes along it’s side.

“This is the Proctor’s flute” he explained.

“That’s my recorder” said the Doctor.

“What utter rubbish – I paid good money for this, it’s mine.”

“It was mine first” protested the Doctor.

“I have a certificate of ownership from the Scallon Artefacts Bureau which confers full legal ownership.”

“Ah.”

“On that rather sour note, I believe you were leaving Mr Doctor.”

“I think it might be rather a good idea” agreed the Doctor. He, Nyssa, Tegan and Adric turned towards the corridor separating them from their ship.

“No no no” stammered Romeo, “don’t leave – I didn’t mean it.”

“Sorry?”

“I don’t… well I mean I rarely get… not many people… would you like to hear more about the Proctor?” He cut a rather pathetic figure as he pleaded for them to stay and see more of his collection. The Doctor’s anger subsided and they joined Romeo on a tour of his archive.

“And this is the fur coat worn by Ramada on the planet Ribos” he noted. “This was when the Proctor and Ramada were battling to solve the Keytoo Crime before the Blackguard Ian could get his hands on the loot." This made the Doctor smile wryly. He was beginning to enjoy this tour around the Chinese Whispers version of his life story. Of course, some of the events described were either so distorted as to be unrecognisable or they happened in his personal future - he wasn't always sure which. The party turned a corner and ran slap bang into the Three.

"What the hell?" cried Romeo.

"Good morning" said Smith.

"Who are you?”

"Are you speaking literally or historically?”

“What?”

“What?”

"Who are you?" demanded Romeo. One group of rather attentive visitors was fine, two break ins in one day began to look suspicious.

"Well..." fumbled Smith. He didn't get a chance to finish the sentence immediately as the building began to shake under the force of a Pebelon assault.

"What's going on?" shouted Challenger.

"We're under attack" said Euan.

"We're all going to die" wailed Romeo.

"Not necessarily" said Smith, his eyes full of devious gleam.

"What do you mean?”

"Your troubles are over - I am The Proctor."

“Really?”

"Yes."

"Really really?”

"Yes."

"Are these two your assistants?" asked a disappointed Romeo. He'd hoped for a sexy Ramada or Alice, not two rather scruffy blokes.

"On the contrary - I am also The Proctor" said Euan. He dug Stevo in the ribs.

"Me too" said Stevo.

"Three Proctors in one place?" gasped Romeo. "That hasn't happened since you were summoned to the Death Zone on Guilford”.

"Um, yes. Whatever" said Smith.

"Which regeneration are you?”

"Er... ten? Yes ten. I am the Tenth Proctor."

"Eleven" said Euan.

"Twelve" added Stevo.

"Blimey - I've got practically nothing from your eras - it's almost as if you stopped at your eighth persona."

"Well, you know, saving the universe gets dull after a while" explained Smith.

"Can you get us out of here in one piece?”

"No sweat - it's just an attack by... something. No big. It's Friday night - the earth always moves for me on Friday night." Euan and Stevo sniggered. "Shut up" snapped Smith.

The Pebelons let loose another volley of gun fire. Their blasters tore through the walls which surrounded Romeo Challenger’s hone. They were firing fairly randomly and seemed not to care whether they hit animal, vegetable or mineral. L’unk was taking great pleasure from destroying what even his dulled senses recognised were meant to be things of beauty. There was no beauty on Pebelonia – it was a grey brown world. Mined to the point where it was little more than slag and clinker, it hung in space around a cold sun. Pebelons were too stupid to try and settle somewhere nice so just destroyed anything they found which was better. They did this, obviously, in a very honourable way. They made a special point of this.

“…and that was how I destroyed the original Death Star” explained Smith.

“Wow – you configured your TARDIS to fly along the surface of the space station and fired energy bolts down an exhaust chute. That’s amazing” enthused Romeo.

“All in a days work for The Proctor” said Smith modestly.

“I remember the time I saved 21st Century Earth from an attack by the Borg” said Euan and he proceeded to explain that he’d also engineered the first contact between human beings and aliens.

“That’s nothing” said Stevo, “I once got knocked out, set a hotel on fire and insulted a bunch of Germans.”

Smith took Stevo to one side and whispered in his ear.

“If you’re going to rape pop culture, don’t pick Fawlty Towers” he hissed.

“And” continued Stevo at full volume, “I once got bitten by a radioactive spider.”

The Pebelons congratulated themselves for having crushed all resistance. Those plants and insects had proven no match for Pebelon might. L’unk raised his blaster at the front door and disintegrated it with a reptilian smirk.

“Romeo Challenger is in here – I can smell his fear” Thank to Romeo they were armed with the most fearsome weapons in the universe. Also thanks to Romeo, they were also equipped with enough clichéd dialogue to make even a Sensorite’s toes curl.

“Advance and destroy” called the lieutenant.

“Destroy and celebrate” added a minion.

“Celebrate and Smash.”

“Smash and Eradicate.”

“Eradicate and break.”

“Break and Dislodge.”

“Dislodge and disturb”

Et cetera.

Smith, Euan and Stevo took a break from their story telling and realised that the disruption was getting closer. What had started as distant bangs, crashes and ructions was now close to being a threat. And the three hated threats, especially of they were the ones being threatened.

“I suggest we retire somewhere safe” suggested Smith.

“Your TARDIS perhaps?” suggested an eager Romeo.

“Ah… no…” said Smith. He had learned enough about TARDISes to know that even he would have trouble faking one. “What about a cupboard?”

They rushed over to a closet and narrowly avoided being hit by falling rubble.

“Who would want to attack me?” asked Romeo. “Unless they’re after you Proctor?”

“Ah…” conceded Smith. “That’s not very… I mean they wouldn’t… I’m…. I’m… we’re on holiday.”

“You came here on holiday?” said the Doctor doubtfully.

“We came here on holiday by mistake. One day I’m sure you’ll understand that” said Smith.

“They’re getting closer” warned Tegan.

“Every one for themselves” shouted Adric, “children and women first.” He dived behind a stack of boxes and cuddled Polly the police box.

The doors of the great hall burst open. The huge, heavy panels of wood flew like they were sheets of paper blown by the wind. A thick cloud of dust obscured the occupants’ view for the first few seconds, then they were gradually able to make out the massive forms of the Pebelon assault force. L’unk lead the troop into the chamber, scanned the scene for possible dangers and announced their purpose.

“We are the Pebelons and we are here to destroy you all.” They raised their blasters and pointed them at all those present.

“Take aim” commanded L’unk.” Thirteen blasters clicked into life. Thirteen Pebelons showed their razor sharp teeth in what passed for smiles of triumph on Pebelonia. L’unk looked at the miserable specimens cowering before them and had no pity for them.

“FIRE”