The Time Team - Week Six

“My finger still hurts” complained Hetty when next the team met. She reminded them for the eleventh time that she’d trapped it in the disc drive in helping them escape from Clayton’s TARDIS (see – I do remember the cliff-hangers).

“Kiss it better?” asked Lissa, puckering up in preparation.

“What would Carol say?” asked Hetty.

“Carol is in Greece” replied Lissa with a happy-then-sad smile.

“How can we do the Time Team without Carol?” asked Clay.

“I have lined up a replacement” announced a proud Lissa.

“Evenin’ all” said happy-go-lucky barman Lord Benny of Loughborough. “Who ordered the pizza? It was on the step.”

“I did” said Hetty, “for some reason the young men who deliver them seem scared to knock on my door. It’s almost as if they expect me to ravish them.”

The rest of the team looked away in embarrassment.

“It’s weeks since I last ravished a pizza boy” she mumbled. “He was awfully good looking…”

“So where is this substitute?” demanded Clayton.

“Unless I’m very much mistaken, this is him now” said Lissa.

She was very much mistaken.

“He’s very late” said Clayton sternly. “We’ve got to cover the Reign of Terror tonight – it’s part of our requirement to be educational.”

“Edu…what?”

“Cational. Teaching people things.”

“Not with you” said Benny “I did metal work.”

“Carol’s a teacher” said Lissa matter-of-factly. “She’s taught me a lot of things.”

“Does she do the French Revolution?” asked a desperate Clay.

“She does French lessons” said one of them. It’s more than my life is worth to say which. Thank goodness she’s on holiday.

“Ding Dong” cried the door bell.

“Ah ha – this must be him” squeaked Lissa. She bounced off the settee and wrenched the door open.

“God eyvnin” said the visitor.

“Yes” squealed Lissa, “It’s Michael Clifton.”

“Im gladd to joynal l of youu too discass Doctor Wh – ann opynionplay by Michel Clifto”

“Oh no” sighed Clayton, sinking into a depression.

“We’re going to talk about the Reign of Terror” explained Hetty. She was rather cold towards the visitor having decided that his shoes made it clear she didn’t want to ravish him.

“The Rain of Terrier is a billiant stori one witch I lov to whach – an opiniunplay by Michael Cliftop” announced Michael.

“I wonder how much of Robspierre’s enormous chopper we saw on screen?” asked cheeky-go-lucky barman Benny.

Hetty blushed, Lissa pretended she didn’t understand the question and Michael Clifton actually didn’t understand the question.

“I reallly lick Willum Hartnul in Doktor Who – an opinyunplayy by Michaela Cliftomn”

Clayton was busily typing away on his laptop. He printed the document off.

“What’s that?” asked Lissa.

“It’s a suicide note” he replied grimly. “I’d be ever so grateful if you’d all sign it at the bottom.”

At that moment, the kitchen timer having pinged to remind them that a cliff-hanger was due, the pizza boy burst through the door.

“Editor, whether the team have proved themselves innocent of flippancy is no longer the cardinal issue before this court. They have proved themselves guilty of a far greater crime. The charge must now be illiteracy.”

(Close up on their faces)

Next Episode – “THE SEEDS OF DESTRUCTION”