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"So you understand the format this time ?" asked Clayton. His lawyers having informed him that the iron clad contract he'd duped the team into signing worked both ways (and he was stuck with them for six hundred and fifty more episodes plus Big Finish CDs). "I think so" said Lissa, "we've got to watch telly and chat." "There’s a little more to it than that" replied Clayton, his teeth already jammed together. “Watch telly, chat and eat stuff?” “I need you – or rather the millions of DWM readers need you – to analyse the episodes. To give sensible opinions and perhaps even provoke some internet discussions.” “I could be provocative – then I might get discussed” said Lissa. “Normally when you’re provocative it just causes disgust” replied Carol wittily. “Grumble.” “Now – today we are going to watch The Daleks.” “Excuse me sir” said Benny putting a sticky hand in the air. “Yes, sonny?” “What is a Dalek?” “What is a Dalek? WHAT IS A DALEK??” roared Clayton. “They are the ultimate symbols of British childhood. They are cultural icons. They were named after the spine of an encyclopaedia and they combine the attributes of the Georgian State Dancers and the Nazi Party.” “I did metal work” replied Benny, sitting back down with a pleased grin on his face. Hetty passed him a biscuit, Benny having won the ‘who will make Clayton shout first’ sweepstake. “Someone start the video” ordered Clayton. “Um – we haven’t got a tape” said Carol. “It fell…” “…down the back of…” “…the dog and was…” “…left in the tumble dryer” muttered the team sheepishly. “Nng. Fortunately I have a spare copy in the video library onboard my Panini Limousine” said Clayton. He stepped out to fetch it while the team scurried upstairs to make mischief. “Right – got it – now we can… WHERE ARE THEY???” “Ve are asking ze questions” said Benny from behind the door. It swung back to reveal him in full Allo Allo style uniform. “Uh?” stammered Clayton. Benny fixed a monocle in his eye and paced towards Clayton. “I vill ask zis question once and once only. Do you vant a cup of tea, English puppy dog?” “Um… yes please.” “Splendid. Now ve are getting somewhere. HELGA…” Lissa entered dressed as Helga and clutching a mug of tea for Clayton. She handed him the cup, flashed her underwear in the traditional manner, slapped him about the face and went to sit on Benny’s knee. “Could we possibly watch some Doctor Who now?” muttered Clayton. He was worried that his pills would wear off soon and that what he was seeing though his medication-filtered eyes would be a lot worse without chemicals to block out the worst of it. “Ve have arranged other entertainments for you, English piggy dog.” Benny clapped his hands and Hetty and Carol danced in wearing glamorous ball gowns and moving with all the grace and style of Daleks. “I say” said Clayton, slurping his coffee with excitement. “This is a turn up for the books.” “Silence English swine hound” said Benny, slapping him with his gloves. “Ve are trying to enjoy ze dancing.” “Sorry. It’s just that I’ve got a publishing deadline and I was rather hoping we could watch some Doctor Who…” “I vill not tell you again, English whippet, ve are vatching ze dancing and zat is zat. Zey are about to get to ze good bit of the performance.” “Dancing is all very well” said Carol, “but there has to be more to life than this.” “I agree” said Hetty. “Shall we dedicate the rest of eternity to exterminating all inferior dancers?" “That sounds like a splendid idea” agreed Carol. “Exterminate! Exterminate!” they cried. They chased Benny and Lissa around for a bit before they all collapsed on the floor in a fit of giggles. “That wasn’t very funny, actually” said Clayton tersely. The team merely carried on giggling and snapping Lissa’s swastika suspenders. Suddenly, out of nowhere, hands emerged through the carpet and started pulling the team down into oblivion… “Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo” they cried as the carpet swallowed them... NEXT EPISODE – "THE KEYS OF TERMINUS"
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