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The scene is Lissa's plush bachelorette pad in sunny Manchester. The drinks are flowing like cold tarmac, the decor is the very height of tasteless chic and there is something violent on the stereo. She greets her guests with a cheery "I hope you've brought your own nibbles - I forgot to go to Sainsbury’s." First to arrive is happy-go-lucky barman Benny. "The traffic from Loughborough was awful" he jokes, "In fact, Loughborough is awful generally" he adds with sincerity. He is handed a glass of room temperature Ribena which turns out, on reflection, not to have been the joke he assumed it was. Next to appear is gothic beauty Hetty. "The traffic from Leeds was awful" she notes. "Any cake ?" She is given cake. Home made cake. Wisely, she stuffs it behind the cheese plant at the first opportunity. Finally, artistic lovely Caroline puts in an appearance. "The traffic from our bedroom was awful" she announces, before blushing and saying she meant to say "The traffic from Bolton was awful." After a few minutes of strained small talk (I didn't know she had a mole there...) the team are joined by Clayton who explains their mission. "If we choose to accept it" joked Carol. Clayton silenced her with a look. "I have a signed contract here - if any of you have any ideas about pulling out, I'll sue you like you've never been sued before. I'll ruin you - no one crosses me and lives." "Fair enough" the team mutter weakly. "You mission - legally accepted already - is to watch the entire series in order. To follow the Doctor's adventures and give your opinions" explained the Clayfather. "Sounds good to me" said Lissa, realising that she finally had a purpose in life. "I trust you have the tapes ?" "I do" she said proudly. She got up off the sofa and pushed the first cassette into the machine (which she wasted no opportunity to explain was S-VHS and capable of greater picture resolution than a standard machine but she didn't use that setting in case she needed to play the tapes on a normal player blah blah blah). Carol, who had snaffled the remote, pressed play and they were greeted with a familiar theme tune. "Doo doo dodododo doo doo do do do dooo" it went. "What the HELL is that ?" asked Clayton. "It's 'Why Do You Want to be a Doctor?' - the first episode" explained Benny. "Surely a classic - co written by John Cleese." "And Graham Chapman" added Lissa. "Who was a Doctor himself" "And wrote a large number of future episodes with his partner David Sherlock" "Cleese got sidetracked writing about a hotel" "Which sprang from an episode in the third season" The nerdiness went back and forth as Clayton tried to tear his hair out. Nature had beaten him to it and he could merely rub his head violently. "What are you talking about ?" "Doctor in the House." "You're supposed to be watching Doctor Who" spluttered Clayton. "What ?" "That old thing ?" "You can't make us." "I think you've mistaken us for four other deliciously pretty people" the team said variously. "You must have some Doctor Who videos somewhere" pleaded Clayton. "Nah - I sold those to pay for psychotherapy" explained Lissa. "All of them ?" "Apart from Terror of the Vervoids" "THE Trial of a TIME LORD parts NINE to TWELVE" said Carol through gritted teeth. "You could watch that" said Clayton desperately. "You could watch that and pretend you've been watching An Unearthy Child." "Wouldn't that be cheating ?" "Who would ever know ?" "I'd rather watch Doctor in the House - this episode has more moments of uncomfortable silence than any half hour sit com in history." "I give up" yelled Clayton. "I'm going and I want my thirty quid back." "What thirty quid ?" asked Carol, Benny and Hetty. "Ribena is expensive" mumbled Lissa as she made a dash for freedom. "This is the magazine's biggest failure since we tried word association with Pipnjane" gibbered Clayton. "I've blown our entire monthly budget on this piece." He began to quietly sob in a corner. "Same time next week?" asked Lissa, popping her head round the door and hoping they'd forgotten already. "We could try Doctor Finlay next time" suggested Hetty. "Or BBC TV's "Doctors"" added Benny. "Vets in Practice" said Carol for no reason. The team patted her on the head. "This is going to be a long one hundred and sixty weeks" sobbed Clayton. NEXT EPISODE - "DIMENSIONS IN DEATH"
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