Title

Doctor Screw

When was it made?

2005

Who made it?

The (erm) Adult Channel

What format was it on?

Subscription TV channel and then squirted out on DVD.

Familiar faces

You’re joking, yes?

Familiar names

You may have heard of these people but you’ll keep quiet if you have.

The blurb

"Shagging his way through time."

In a nutshell…

It’s more Doctor Who themed porn. This time with vaguely attractive women in it. The opening episode sees a vulgar rock star exposed to some kind of powerful energy and he emerges as polite time traveller "Doctor Screw". He quickly gets himself an assistant – Holly – and shags her in various positions. This being British porn you don’t have tiresome close-ups or anything too distressing.

Is it any good?

I just want to make it clear that I didn’t buy this – I rented it. Which means, for you dear reader, I now have a boy/girl porn DVD on my rental history. They’ll be recommending "Ben Dover" titles to me for the rest of my life. I hadn't even heard of it until an unnamed contributor to this so called website mentioned it in an email and interested me strangely.

It opens with some impressive CGI of space ships and stuff. Then to some familiar looking opening titles with an as yet unspecified box flying through a time corridor. The names whoosh into view in a familiar way and it ends with a familiar looking logo. And some writing credits. That’s a strange use of the word "credit".

The first episode – named "Holly" because the writers paid attention to Doctor Who and knew enough to know that the first episode of the real thing was also named after the new companion – starts with a strange possession scene where a human oaf is possessed by the spirit of our hero. He tries to explain this to the rather wooden Holly who listens calmly and then asks,

"You expect me to believe you’re a fucking alien?"

That’s what the Daily Mail assumed Russell T Davies scripts would be like I’m sure.

The guy playing Doctor Screw is actually quite good – he has a certain naïve comic charm about him. He’s taken back to Holly’s house and while she’s upstairs (packing for some reason even though she doesn’t believe he’s an alien and therefore how is he going to take her anywhere?) he examines his new face in a mirror. Like Christopher Eccleston did in "Rose".

He then tinkers with her vibrator (which she keeps on the mantelpiece of her living room in that way that real people do) and makes it sonic. He then goes upstairs and they shag for the next twelve minutes.

Then we have the cliff-hanger for the next episode – Doctor Screw has a rival time traveller called (wait for it) "The Mistress". She looks hotter than Holly. I hope we see her naked soon.

Episode two open with Doctor Screw and Holly about to leave in Doctor Screw’s time machine. It is disguised as a portaloo. That’s original that is. It dematerialises quite impressively – rather more TVM than any proper Doctor Who – and we’re off on an adventure through time and space. Hilariously it is very small inside.

Holly wants to go to the middle ages. I wonder what they’ll do when they get there.

She wants to know why it’s so quiet – where, she asks, is Robin Hood?

A buxom wench runs past and hides. She’s being followed by two extremely authentic knights.

Holly begs him to do something so he blows the two knights up with his sonic vibrator.

The wench is pathetically grateful – she was being executed for having sex with the king’s daughter (!) Doctor Screw likes the idea and makes a lewd remark.

This episode’s best line – the wench asks Doctor Screw "What’s a dildo?"

Just for a moment he looks a bit like Paul McGann.

After five minutes of plot they cut to a field and start shagging.

At times it becomes a bit confusing – are those her legs? It seems unlikely but she’s obviously having a good time.

Finally, near the end of this medieval sex festival, he finally shows her what his sonic vibrator can do. To be honest, I don’t think that is a door which needs much effort to get it wide open.

Episode two ends with no return appearance by the Mistress. I am disappointed.

Episode three is called "Holly’s Mum" which is disturbing on many levels. It opens with Doctor Screw licking Holly in his portaloo.

Doctor Screw asks her a bit more about herself. She bangs on (not in the way he likes) so he nods off while the music drowns out what she’s saying. Very Murray Gold.

He sets his time machine for 1969 (69 – geddit?!?) because Holly says her mum was a "bit of a goer". That doesn’t make incest right you know.

Hilariously, Doctor Screw smokes some drugs and is immediately rendered a tambourine playing moron. Holly seems to have stayed behind in the portaloo which is just as well. This scene has brunettes. I am pleased.

Luckily, most of the hippies bugger off to the park to become a drain on society. Doctor Screw and Holly’s mum stay behind to remove each other’s clothes.

"From the moment you walked in here I’ve been wantin’ some of you" says Holly’s mum. You can tell she didn’t get her sluttiness from her father’s side of the family.

He waves a tambourine during intercourse and she waves peace signs when she’s facing the camera because we’re in the 1960s and they like to keep things accurate.

Overall it is strangely entertaining stuff – for once our prudish censorship laws come good (no pun intended) as everything is left in long shot and nothing gets too sordid. Even the (off screen) money shot is quite charming as Doctor Screw says things like "Fantastic" or "Groovy" as he purportedly evacuates his balls. I can imagine this being rather jolly to watch with a group of willing chums as it never takes itself too seriously. True, most of the deliberate jokes fall flatter than the chest of someone who would never be featured in a motion picture such as this but the unintentional comedy is worth an hour of your time.

And tell me that doesn't look like Anthony Ainley enjoying a very private moment.

Anything for the BBC to object to?

Actually yes because I saw the DVD boxed set in Borders and for a moment I thought it was the real thing. Think of the children...

Would it help fill the void?

Between midnight and half past, possibly. Between 13 and 15, probably.

Would it work on TV?

If you put it on Channel 4 or 5 late at night there would be an outcry but it is no more or less graphic than a lot of stuff they do broadcast.

Verdict

Production 3/5

Entertainment 3/5

Whoishness 2/5

Overall 2/5

I know – that’s quite a high score. I was intending to hate it but it has a certain charm that no amount of implied penises can destroy.

And you think RTD does too much