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The Rani Reaps the Whirlwind When was it made? 2000 Who made it? BBV What format was it on? Compact Disc Familiar voices Kate O’Mara as the Rani Familiar names It was written by Pip and Jane Baker The blurb
In a nutshell… Pip and Jane Baker are back with a sequel to Time and the Rani. Picking up where that story ended, the Rani (once again voiced by the unique Kate O’Mara) is hanging upside down and in the power of her loyal Tetrap servants. The tables have turned and the Rani is Urak’s prisoner. He puts her on trial and – on the flimsy pretence that she admits all the charges immediately – she is convicted and sentenced to death for crimes against Tetraps. But Urak doesn’t want her dead – he wants her to help him with a little scientific experiment involving humans, blood and human blood. The Rani –ever the amoral scientist – takes the attitude that he should just’ve asked as it sounds right up her street. Is it any good? I have a soft spot for Pip and Jane. That is fairly obvious from my decision to name this footling website after one of their creations. Their ridiculous dialogue keeps me going on many a cold winter evening and phrases like "a web of mayhem and intrigue" or "how utterly evil" have long since been part of my normal vocab. Pip and Jane’s television Doctor Who scripts are only really to be enjoyed if you are (a) a word buff like Colin Baker or Kate O’Mara or (b) you treat the whole thing as a call and response exercise in campery – like Rocky Horror but thankfully without anyone in their underwear. The Rani Reaps the Whirlwind ends their run of splendidly awful scripts. Whereas lines like "leave the girl – it’s the man I want" are fun and camp and jolly and hugely enjoyable, TRRTWW (even the initials are unsayable) makes you cringe. In a bad way. Someone has tipped Pip and Jane off that this CD is aimed at a more mature audience (i.e. the people who were children fifteen years ago) and they try to adapt. It isn’t that they start swearing – thank goodness – it’s just that they try and be a bit more grown up in their dialogue. Hence the cringing. I don’t intend to go over the top quoting terrible dialogue – I’ve simply compiled the twenty five worst examples of which these are numbers 21-15.
The play is actually quite gruesome at times as it deals with the Tetraps’ need to feast on blood and the lengths they go to to ensure a fresh supply. In their cities they have mutated creatures bred to provide blood for their troughs and now they want to create a new hybrid species based on humanity. Later in the story, the Rani and her human colleagues have to escape across a vat of corpses which exhale as their footsteps crush the last breaths from their lungs. But no matter how repulsive they try to make it, the script drags the actors down to am-dram levels and any sort of natural performance is impossible. The guest cast sound wooden as hell and I really don’t think it is their fault. Every line needs a run up and it is no wonder they’re too exhausted to actually act. Back to the list and numbers 16-20 –
The moral of the story is that meat is bad. The Tetraps use of battery farming methods (not to mention pumping their livestock full of hormones and antibiotics) is meant to shock us into questioning our own eating habits. Speaking as an ardent vegetarian I think it is a good point well made. Except that I thought the same about the Two Doctors and the recent Torchwood episode with the giant creature which kept having bits chopped off it. I get that meat production is disgusting. I get that higher species treating humans as lesser beasts just as humans treat cows as food on legs is a valid comparison. It just gets a bit tedious when it is trotted out by poor writers and delivered as a sermon. Kate O’Mara – also an ardent vegetarian – hammers the point home so much and so often that I wanted to stop at the nearest greasy spoon and eat a sausage just to shut her up. Ok, not really but it was way too preachy even for me. And hopelessly misguided – meat eaters will scoff and say that there isn’t really any comparison to be made and that eating chicken or beef isn’t the same as eating people at all. While vegetarians would say that they already know that meat is meat and eating it is repugnant. Either way, the script undermines and dramatic value the concept has by driving home the message like a stake to a vampire’s heart. Or a steak to a vegetarian's stomach. That’s all rather grim and serious – how about some more lousy dialogue?
Kate O’Mara’s performance as the Rani is probably the best thing in the play, even if that isn’t saying much. It is hard to judge whether the Rani is a good character or not as she’s only ever been written for by Pip and Jane (not counting Dimensions in Time where JNT was channelling the spirit of his favourite writers). The Rani – betrayed by her own minions and battling for her life – becomes our de facto heroine in TRRTWW. It doesn’t change her one bit and nor should it. The shift in the balance of power, combined with the appalling guest cast, mean that we’re on her side almost from the start. The humans may technically be more right than she is but they are just such wankers. As for the two friendly aliens. Wankers. And the Tetraps. Wankers. The Rani isn't a wanker so she wins. Put that on the CD cover. The penultimate helping of atrocious utterances takes us from 10 to 6.
At its best – at its absolute best – it sounds like the most childish script from the Hartnell era. The rest of the time it alternates between lecturing us and making us cringe. There is nothing wrong with the story – the story holds together as well as any of these plays – but the script is abysmal. Say what you will about 80s Who production teams but someone on that staff prevented Pip and Jane writing anything this bad. Which is a terrible thing for me to say because I agree with their message and adore them as icons but The Rani Reaps the Whirlwind is no good. Luckily for us, the sequel (or series… heaven forefend) suggested by the final scene has yet to arrive. The final helping of dialogue disasters gives us…
Number two has to be heard to be believed – it is the painfully true rendering of a woman in severe emotional distress. You think it is merely awful until she vocalises her inner pain.
And the worst bit of dialogue in the whole play has to be this. It is hideous. It is Pip and Jane trying to write for adults on a night out.
Go on - click it a few more times. He really does say that. Anything for the BBC to object to? The Rani was properly licensed from Pip and Jane and the play avoids any mention of Doctor Who IP. Even the Rani's Tardis is referred to generically as a space and time travel machine. Did it help fill the void? There wasn't a void by 2000 but it did kill what lingering desire there was for Pip and Jane to do a Rani story for Big Finish. It would've been like this but twice as long. I whittled 49 lines down to the 25 above. Imagine transcribing a hundred of them. I can't. I won't. Dammit. Would it work on radio? In no way, shape or form. It sounds like a play for children but is too gruesome for children. Scheduling it would be almost impossible. Persuading a station chief to broadcast it would be actually impossible. Verdict Production 3/5 Entertainment 1/5 Whoishness 2/5 Overall 2/5
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