|
|
 |
|
Abducted by the Daleks (aka "Abducted by the Daloids" in a last ditch attempt to get round copyright) When was it made? 2005 Who made it? A bunch of twats who don’t know anything about making films. What format was it on? DVD though it was never officially released so most people who have seen it have probably downloaded it. Familiar faces Some Daleks Familiar names Well (nudge nudge) the story was by "Billy Hartnell", the producer was "Patrick Baker" and the director was "Don Skaro".
The blurb
In a nutshell… It’s Doctor Who soft porn! But in a really horrible way. Is it any good? Obviously not. Rather than trying to analyse it too much I’ll give you a blow by blow account. This section will contain nudity. Female nudity if that makes a difference.
The story opens with four strippers driving on a dark night. They are bickering though it isn’t possible to make out what they are bickering about because they are all heavily accented (i.e. cheap) and none of them can act. They hit an alien at high speed and feel obliged to get out and see if it is ok. They wander through the woods for a few minutes, the director choosing mainly low shots but he needn’t have bothered as the skirts are so short that you could see their knickers with a crane shot.
Little do they realise that three Daleks are watching them. They are a sorry bunch of Daleks. One TV, one movie and one home made one from the looks of it. They say something about studying the girls – again it is hard to make out what they say as the fools obviously know nothing about ring modulation.
One of the strippers finds a dress hanging from a branch. She does the only logical thing upon finding this – she gets naked. Then she tries to cover herself up using only her arms. She could use one of the two spare dresses hanging on the tree but she doesn’t. I’m already beginning to doubt this plot.
The strippers all look alike so I don’t know if this is the same one or another one who has got naked for no reason. Either way, the writer is obviously a Who fan as the first thing she does after getting naked is twist her ankle on a rock that was in no position to hurt anyone.
Just as she’s about to be gobbled up by a monster in the forest, she finds herself teleported up to the Daleks ship. They examine her. Which is fair enough. One of them seems to say "Every hole will be examined". They also mention studying human desires as an experiment. That’s quite "Evil of the Daleks". The human factor, the Dalek factor, the naked factor – that was Evil of the Daleks wasn’t it?
Two of the remaining strippers go deeper into the woods to look for their friend. They find something and assume from it that the abducted one has been skinned alive. Don’t ask. They are naturally scared by this and do what anyone would do when confronted with such horror – they get naked. And make out.
Right in the middle of the worst soft-core lesbian fondling I’ve ever seen (and of course I’ve never watched anything like that before) they are zapped up by the Daleks and taken to their ship.
They are so into their soft-core lesbian fondling that they don’t notice they are surrounded by tatty alien death machines.
The Daleks look at each other and make strange "yum" noises.
The girls are taken to the interrogation room where the Daleks surround them, shouting "you will obey" and "you will answer our questions" over and over again. The girls merely cower and fondle each other in a soft-core lesbian manner. Which is fair enough as they haven’t actually been asked any questions yet. There is nothing else to do and lightly brushing someone’s breasts is as good a way of passing the time as any other.
The Daleks watch the one remaining stripper on their televiewer. She is getting close to a transporter window and will soon be joining her comrades at Dalek HQ. They switch channels to see what their captives are getting up to. The answer is nothing.
The teleportation is a success – the fourth member of the party is aboard. But wait – a dramatic swerve – she is in league with the Daleks. Though why they employ a dominatrix is no one’s business.
The dominatrix strokes them with her whip for a full ten seconds before they realise this hasn’t worked. So plan B it is – miss them with a laser beam. Unless they’re doing a Goldfinger spoof as well.
They focus their fire on the strippers’ unmentionables. The one on the left seems to be enjoying it.
But that comes to nothing. They turn their attention to the third girl. But she has gone. Where is she?
Oh yes – there she is. Just in time to stab a Dalek in the eyestalk with a knife. Where did she get that knife? Who cares – she’s naked.
The Daleks with the worst death rays in the universe try to stop her escaping but they only hit her half a dozen times so she’s fine.
No – actually she’s dead.
Everything starts strobing for no reason. This frees the two remaining strippers for no reason. There isn’t a lot of reason in this play.
The two strippers escape (for which they have a reason – they don’t want to be exterminated) and they wander around the base, no longer embarrassed to be naked. They are soon caught by the dominatrix.
Some voguing follows. It looks a bit like a Bond title sequence but you can actually see nipples instead of just kidding yourself that you can.
The dominatrix disappears – literally – so the two remaining strippers get back to their soft-core lesbian fondling. They are soon interrupted by a Dalek.
They try to run but are exterminated in the most absurd death scene of all time. Any – and I mean any – bad death scene in proper Doctor Who looks gritty and realistic compared with this. They collapse, dead, in each others arms so they can do soft-core lesbian fondling in the afterlife.
Someone – I don’t know which one – wakes up back in the forest. Still naked though. So it wasn’t all a dream. Unless it was a dream where you wake up naked.
So there is a naked stripper wandering round the woods again. She finds a mirror and looks at herself. She thinks she looks different. I can’t believe they have the wit to have a Dalek transform itself into a naked chick as part of the experiment so I have to assume that I don’t know what is going on. I’m worried too – there is a naked chick walking round and I’m looking at her naked body and thinking "Is the screen ratio right?"
Oh god – a bloke as turned up. Luckily he’s clothed. He looks inbred. And I don’t mean a member of the Warburton family.
He looks like he wouldn’t know what to do with a naked chick. Actually he does. I think it would involve an oven.
She is knocked out and tied to a tree. The man actually has a more convincing Doctor Who alien robotic monster of death voice than the Daleks had.
She decides to confess – she is an intergalactic slave trader who captured young women and sold them to aliens who fancied a bit of totty. The Daleks captured her and offered her a choice – 40 years in prison (~!) or she find them three human females for "interrogation and insemination". Ugh.
The weird guy then gropes her while she explains how human sexual organs work.
His groping exposes her boob job scars. Always an erotic treat. This if officially the least sexy film I’ve seen in ages.
The skanky woman – who is amazingly unattractive without clothes on and gets more so the more they linger on her surgically "enhanced" body – is left to the mercy of whatever monster is in the woods. We cut back to the Dalek ship. The black and gold casing is clearly empty.
The monster has arrived – it’s a Weevil in a tracksuit.
It runs a scary looking knife across what passes for her flesh. I hate to think who would be wanking over this.
The Weevil tortures her for a while. It is quite appallingly nasty.
He draws on her with lipstick. I imagine the many plastic surgeons made similar sketches before moving her skin around to vainly hide the fact that she is a human being and not a Barbie doll.
At the last possible moment, the Daleks – now officially the heroes of this tawdry film – beam up the wrong person. They wanted the chick but got the skinner instead.
They kill him. The end. Oh no – there’s a bit more yet. The skanky woman gets rescued and tells her story – while still naked – to the police. You can tell it’s the police – they have a flashing light on their desk. They let her go – without giving her any clothes – and hand her over to a "friend" of hers who has arrived to pick her up. It is a Dalek. The end. Here are the people responsible.
All things considered, that was a million times worse than I was expecting. I’d hoped for a naughty comedy romp with pretty girls, saucy nudity and Dalek jokes. Instead it was nasty, ugly, nonsensical, exploitative and hugely unpleasant. It shouldn’t be difficult to make an enjoyable romp out of what they had but they failed so spectacularly. It was on course to be merely dreadful until the genuinely horrible scene with the two men terrifying and torturing the woman tied to the tree. This film was an epic fail on every single level. Anything for the BBC to object to? Everything. They got it banned and for once I’m in full agreement. I like Daleks, I like nudity and I’m all for low rent spoofs but this was horrid and I’m actually sorry any copies survived. Did it help fill the void? Shut up. Would it work on TV? No, really, shut up. Verdict Production -5/5 Entertainment -5/5 Whoishness -5/5 Overall -55/5
|
Title
