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"The Reduced Wheel in Space" by David W |
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Doctor Who was using his time machine's time machinery to make vintage wine which he and his miniskirted companion could drink that very night. |
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Unfortunately, the Gallifreyan Excise Board frowned upon bootleg booze and all Type 40s were fitted with automatic tax-avoidance-prevention-systems (TAPS) which caused the console to explode if it detected illicit liquer. |
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"Oh dear" sighed Doctor Who, fiddling in his
pockets to make up for the disappointment of the damaged wine. "Och, Doctor Whoots, what are we ganney do wi this great emptah box?" said his sexy sidekick Janey. |
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"I think I'll use it to store my old Zoë 1000
robot. She never was as good as the advert made out" said Doctor Who.
"I've heard the Zoë 2000 is out and for once I was able to steer the
Tardis and I've made up my mind to pick one up." "Hoots, Doctor Och, ye canney buy yersel a new Zoebot - ye havney any monah" noted Janey in her thick Birmingham accent. |
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"Have you ever heard of payment in kind?" said
Doctor Who mischievously. "Aye - but I'm no doin' that for ye again!" "I mean I know where I can get a Zoë 2000 and how to get it without any of that unpleasant payment business." "Where?" "Follow me." |
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Unfortunately, Doctor Who's boast led to a
stampede of local perverts and he was left miles behind. "Oh my giddy gobstoppers!" he cursed. |
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"Ah win" panted an exhausted Janey. "Now which
one o' ye is the Zoë 2000?" "I am" said Zoë, keen to dip a plastic toe into the ocean of lezzing. "No - I am" said Fat Bob, keen to dip something else into Janey. "I think I'll stick w' the wee lassie" replied Janey. "That won't be a problem - I'm Teflon coated" she noted. |
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"Which way did they go?" asked Doctor Who. "If you mean the stampede of perverts, they went that way" said Miss Starch, chief librarian. "Now will you stop trying to unscrew my nipple, I assure you I am not a pleasure-droid." "Oh my!" exclaimed Doctor Who. "I could've sworn you were a Mildred 500. "What is your name?" demanded Miss Starch. Doctor Who looked around for inspiration. |
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"My name is Ampersand - Mr Ampersand " he
replied cunningly.
"First name?" persisted Miss Starch. "Um... Threeknobs - Threeknobs Ampersand ." "That all seems in order" she announced and left him to his search. "Enjoy your time on board the Wheel in Space." |
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"The Wheel in Space?" gasps Doctor Who, "I
must warn them about the Cybermen." He rushes over to a video console and issues his instructions to the Wheel in Space's crew. |
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"Someone is trying to come through on the vid-link" says dashing base blonde Captain Cliff Quaff. "He must be important - he's wearing a crown." |
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"Hello - I'm President Threeknobs Ampersand. The President of the Time Lords of Gallifrey in the Constellation of Kasterborus. I'm here to warn you that the Cybermen are coming and the only way to defeat them will be to rig up a means of electrocuting them." |
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"We'd better go and rig up a means of
electrocuting them" says rigidly haired Lieutenant Tennant. "I wonder if Threeknobs is purely an honorary title..." muses Corporal Hussey. "Would you like a mouthful of Tennants' to give you courage?" asks the Lieutenant. "No thanks" replies Hussey, but I'm quiet keen to see down your top." |
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"Hello - we're the Cybermen and you are under our control. Any resistance will be futile." |
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"Bugger" |
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Meanwhile, in the lava lamp lounge, Corporal Fringe is dealing with a second wave of attack. "Mr Ampersand warned us you'd try the cute Cyber-child trick. Get off with you, sonny, before I clip you about the er... handle." "Bugger" |
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As a reward for saving the Wheel in Space from
the Cybermen, Doctor Who is relaxing before being given a free test-drive
of the brand new Zoë 2001. "Och, I give oop, Doctor Who" protested a brain weary Janey. "Where ARE yer legs?"
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The Zoë 2001 goes through her full database of
activities. "Great jumping gobstoppers" cries Doctor Who. "I'll take her." |
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Doctor Who was busy writing out a cheque when
a smug looking Janey pointed out that he'd said he would get the Zoe 2000
for nothing. Doctor Who thought for a moment and looked at his cheque for one million space dollars. He smiled and signed it "Threeknobs Ampersand". "But that's nae..." began Janey but Doctor Who silenced her with a look and a fountain pen nib to the groin. |
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Back aboard the Tardis, Doctor Who is working
out a rota for the use of the Zoe 2001. "Monday, me, Tuesday, me, Wednesday, me..." "Och, hoots, do I nae get a go w' the wee lassie?" protested Janey. "Oh very well, Thursday, Janey but I get to watch, Friday, me, Saturday could be both of us if you've got half as much under that skirt as you claim..." |
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The Cybermen skulk back into their office and
mutter angrily about how they had been well battered. Suddenly the face of
their supreme commander appeared on their plasma screen. "Plan B has begun" declared Cyberzoë... "Fab!" cry the rejuvenated Cybermen. |
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