"The Reduced Savages" by Ian Stuart
 

Doctor Who and his young friends arrive on a rocky planet in their space and time machine - TARDIS - and eagerly await whatever is outside the miraculous ship.

Inside the ship, Doctor Who seems to have something on his wizened old mind.

Doctor Who clasps Steven by the hand.

"Goodbye, Steven, my boy. It's been plah...pleasant travelling with you but there comes a time when all good things must come to a bend... ah... end."

"I don't understand you, Doc" replies Steven. "I'm not planning to leave. I like it here aboard TARDIS even if the totty is a bit frumpy."

"Nah... not leaving me?" gasped Doctor Who, coming over all queer. "But you must, you must. Take her with you. I've got a good thing lined up in swinging London. And I've been promised a miniskirted Scot if only I can pilot TARDIS to the wild North."

"I think we should go outside and have an adventure" suggests Dodo, "Doctor Who has obviously come over a bit queer. "A good stiff escapade is bound to bring us closer together again."

"What accent are you doing this week?" asked Steven.

"Cor blimey guv'nor, don't ya start w'me sunshine" replied Dodo.

"I'm going up here to blend in seamlessly with my surroundings" said Steven.

"I think I'll slip off and have an adventure of my own" said Doctor Who. "I can see a civilised city over there. I'll leave Steven to his hiding and that frumpy toad Dodo to her own devices."

"See tha later, ducks" shouted Dodo. "One is going orf to see if one can find a simply charming native shop selling little knickknacks.

"Hello Doctor Who - we've been expecting you, darling" announces the leader of the planet's rulers.

"Good god!" exclaimed Doctor Who. "I've landed on a planet of poofs."

"Come this way and we'll show you round our intimate quarters."

"Sodomy, sodomy, they've all got it sodomy!" cried Doctor Who with exasperation.

"Just pop this on" said the First Elder, "it'll make you fit in here."

"Wah... what is this?" protested Doctor Who but the Elders' crack team of fag hags were too quick for his aged and bigoted arms.

"It's... surprisingly comfortable... rather like flowery cushions and the use of lubricants..." babbled Doctor Who. He slapped himself and tried to concentrate on more important matters. "How does your society operate? One look at your pampered hands shows you've never done an honest days work in your wife... ah... life."

"We have a simple system" replied the First Elder. "We suck everything we need out of the native peasants."

"Disgusting!" roared Doctor Who.

"I assure you it is an entirely pleasurable existence" insisted the First Elder. "Now, we must see about finding you a nice native to provide for you. Do you have an preferences?"

"I most certainly do, you reversed neutron flow you" snapped Doctor Who. He tossed aside his pretty frock and called for the frumpy Dodo who happened to have followed him into the Elders' palace afterall.

"You may be frumpy but at least you're a girl. You are definitely a girl aren't you? Of course you are. You've just about got breasts."

"I say, Doctor Who, tha's behavin' in a reet queer manner, don't you know" said Dodo.

"Hush you - just enjoy my manly embrace" whispered Doctor Who.

"Aye"

"Steven, my boy" began Doctor Who once he'd got away from all the gays, "I want you to stay here and teach these people the correct way to sex. I'll be sorry to see you go blah blah blah."

But Steven is on the verge of a sneeze and isn't listening. He finally manages to coax it out and finds that Doctor Who and the frumpy girl have gone back to TARDIS without him.

"I hope these bloody people have proper hair care facilities - a side parting like mine needs a lot of maintenance. Now, where is bloody Noaksie's number..."

"Now, my dear Dido, I was wondering you fancy a trip to London - I know some people with a house in the country that you might like to stay with for a few days. I promise I won't leave without you or anything."

"Aye, Doctor Who, tha's a reet grand old bean and nay mistake, cock. I'd love to."

"Splendid. You should go and pack now - we'll be landing soon. I can't be sure what time of year it'll be so you should probably put all your clothes in, just to be on the sane... safe side."