Gary Hatt: Yeah, basically this is the Hyperion 3 7 convention and I’ve got an agenda.

Paul Dullard: Hyperion thirty seven?

Gary Hatt: Hyperion 3 7.

Paul Dullard: That’s what I said – Hyperion thirty seven.

Gary Hatt: No – not thirty seven, 3 7.

Paul Dullard: Hyperion ten?

Gary Hatt: No – not three and seven and not thirty seven. Hyperion 3 7.

Paul Dullard: You’ve lost me.

Gary Hatt: I wish. This is the seventh annual Hyperion 3 convention. Got it?

Paul Dullard: Oh right – so in... um... thirty years time it’ll be Hyperion 3 3 7?

Gary Hatt: No – then it’ll be Hyperion 3 thirty seven.

Paul Dullard: I still don’t get it.

Gary Hatt: Don’t worry about it – you’ll be dead in thirty years so it’s not like you’ll be there.

Paul Dullard: That’s true. Mrs Dullard consulted a psychic and was told I was going to die in 2007. The psychic was most specific.

Gary Hatt: She sounds like a right old fraud.

Paul Dullard: Don’t say that about my wife – she’s not bad when she’s had time to spruce herself up a bit...

Gary Hatt: I meant the psychic. You didn’t die in 2007.

Paul Dullard: No but Mrs Dullard was convinced of her supernatural powers because she went back to Brighton to have it out with her on New Year’s Day 2008, taking me as proof, but the psychic had gone. She’d obviously seen into the future, noticed that I survived, observed Mrs Dullard demanding her pound back with threats of going to Watchdog if she didn’t pay up, and fled.

Gary Hatt: It wasn’t that the psychic was off on New Year’s Day because it was a bank holiday was it?

Paul Dullard: Now you mention it, it might’ve been. Still, the whole affair now means Mrs Dullard sees every moment she spends with me as bonus time. Though she does cry more than she used to.

Gary Hatt: Why are we talking about you? This is meant to be a documentary about me. I’m here at Hyperion 3 7 to record some shout outs for the next series of the Timey Wimey Team podcast.

Man: All right, Garth?

Gary Hatt: Yeah thanks.

Pause

Gary Hatt: Obviously I’m here under a false name because they wouldn’t want me here being some sort of internet new media guerrilla getting free content that they’re paying for. It’s fine – it’s like downloading stuff – no one minds really but it’s worth using a false name anyway. I log onto torrent sites pretending to be you actually.

Paul Dullard: What’s a torrent?

Gary Hatt: I’m sure the magistrate will explain before he lets the BMI rape your bank account.

Man: Could you move those chairs for me, Garth? Cheers.

Gary Hatt: Oh yes – and I’m here undercover as a member of the convention staff. I may not have mentioned that bit. And I’m getting twenty quid for it so I’d probably better move those chairs for him.

Raises his voice

Gary Hatt: I’m right on it, Mr Patterson.

Paul Dullard: (voice over) Having moved some chairs and come ten minutes closer to earning half the amount he wasted on the coach fair to Shropshire, Gary tries to explain to me – and by extension to you because I’m here in the role of audience identification figure even though I don’t need to pretend not to know what he’s talking about all the time – what a shout out is.

Gary Hatt: Yeah, basically they are little messages that celebs record for me and I put them in the podcast. So if I wanted a shout out from you I’d get you to say something like "Hey – this is Paul Dullard from BBC Radio’s "The Dullard Report" and I am a huge fan of the Timey Wimey Team podcast. It’s wicked."

Paul Dullard: I don’t think I’d say that. Not even for you. I’m old enough to remember when wicked was a bad thing. People used to get caned for being wicked. That was before the 1980s when the word changed its meaning and caning was abolished. Not that I’m blaming one for the other – as far as I know they happened independently unless government education policy was being made by young black men in America – but it’s interesting anyway.

Gary Hatt: Well, what would you say if recording a shout out for the podcast?

Paul Dullard: Um... something like... Hello. My name is Paul Dullard. Listen to the Timey Wimey Team podcast. It’s ripping.

Gary Hatt: That’s rubbish. That’s not going to appeal to a youthful demographic.

Paul Dullard: I could say Listen to the Timey Wimey Team podcast my bitches. Oh no, wait, better not. Mrs Dullard goes to feminism classes on a Tuesday night and might get offended by the word bitches. She’s started taking offence at things I say because I’m a bloody man. She seems to have picked feminism up a lot quicker than French – she did that for six terms and still couldn’t order a cup of coffee in Berlin.

Gary Hatt: Berlin’s in Germany.

Paul Dullard: I know but they all speak French in Germany – they’re multilingual.

Gary Hatt: They also speak English.

Paul Dullard: That’s what I said but she said she’d spoken to the college and the only English courses they had were about books and authors and that they didn’t have anything that would teach her how to order a cup of coffee.

Gary Hatt: But surely...

Paul Dullard: I know but the lady’s not for turning.

Gary Hatt: Whatever. Ooh – look – there’s Colin Baker.

Paul Dullard: (voice over) Gary ran over to Colin Baker and asked him to record a shout out.

Colin Baker: I’d be delighted. What would you like me to say?

Gary Hatt: Something like "Hi – this is Colin Baker and I always listen to the Timey Wimey Team podcast. Whether you like it or not. But I do."

Colin Baker: Ah – slight problem – I can’t say that as I’ve never listened to it.

Gary Hatt: Just say you have.

Colin Baker: But I haven’t.

Gary Hatt: You’re an actor – you lie for a living. Just say you enjoy the podcast and who’ll ever know that you’ve not actually heard it yet? I could give you a CD of some of my... our best bits if that would help?

Colin Baker: I’d rather not actually. I’m late for a signing.

Gary Hatt: Please. Just one little shout out? You could say something like "If I could only listen to one Doctor Who podcast it would be the Timey Wimey Team" – that wouldn’t be proper lying. Just a bit deceitful. Please. For me and... sick children who might only get one ray of sunshine a week?

Colin Baker: Oh very well. Give me the microphone. "Hello – I’m Colin Baker, Doctor number six, and I never fail to miss the Timey Wimey Team podcast. Indeed, I actually go out of my way to avoid it."

Gary Hatt: That’s not funny or clever actually.

Man: Garth? What are you doing to Mr Baker, Garth?

Colin Baker: You said your name was Gary.

Gary Hatt: He made me do it.

Gary runs off while everyone glares at Paul

Paul Dullard: (voice over) When Gary had finished running off and everyone had stopped glaring at me we packed up the pocket recorder Gary had brought with him and left the Hyperion thirty seven three convention wiser but not all together more successful men than we started it with. Or possibly as.

Gary Hatt: Quick edit to take out the words "fail to" and "to avoid it" and I’ll have myself the shout out to end all shout outs. Pity it wasn’t Tom Baker but any Doctor is better than none.

NEXT TIME

Gary Hatt: One day they’ll be able to record commentaries just by connecting wires to actors’ heads and recording their thoughts over the internet. That’s why I don’t buy DVDs at the moment – I’m not double dipping just to get the unfiltered stuff.