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"the podcast" - Week Eight
Brian: Ho ho ho - Merry Xmas everyone.
Gary: It's well after Christmas as well you know, Brian.
Brian: And why would that be, Gary?
Gary: We were going to record this on Christmas Eve but I felt my
presents and thought my mum and dad had bought me a new microphone so it
seemed like a good idea to wait and use the new kit. It turned out to be a
novelty shampoo bottle so we've wasted a good opportunity to do something
topical and about Christmas. Stupid parents.
DOCTOR WHO THEME PLAYS WITH SLEIGH BELLS ADDED CLUMSILY AND WITH NO
OBVIOUS SENSE OF RHYTHM
Gary: (breathes in and adopts a fake smile) Welcome ladies
and gentlemen to this special festive edition of the podcast that
astridpeth.org.uk said could 'only get worse' - the Timey Wimey Team. I'm
Gary, the Father Christmas of the gang, with me is Mandy - my Mary
Christmas...
Mandy: (giggles at Gary's joke) Cool.
Gary: Thanks Mand.
Mandy: I'm the Ho Ho
'Ho.
Gary:
Don't glamorise prostitution, Mand, that's sexist. Also here are Paul the
happy little elf and cousin Brian, the grinch who hates Christmas.
Brian: I don't hate it - I just think it's predictable, childish
and not true to the original series… story actually.
Gary: We're all here to analyse the 2005 Christmas special in which
Earth is invaded at Christmas. The Christmas Invasion. Paul - did you
partake after turkey and stuffing?
Paul: Was it the one with the killer Santa robot things?
Gary: Yes it was - you watched it?
Paul: I saw a bit through next door's window. Mrs Dullard saw an
advert for it and said it looked too frightening. Apparently, she believed
in Father Christmas until she was twenty six and her parents only weaned
her off it by telling her that Father Christmas was a killer robot who
rampaged through the market shooting people with a big gun. The papers
covered it up because they were scared of him.
Gary: How you two live is beyond me.
Paul: I popped out into the garden to eat some peanuts - Mrs
Dullard is allergic to the smell of them. She can eat them ok but one
whiff makes her hair fall out. Next door has a big telly so I could follow
most of it until they saw me and started throwing cracker shards.
Gary: I expect Brian has a few things to say.
Brian: Well, I thought it started quite averagely – the new Doctor
was discombobulated like we’ve never seen that before. Then the bit with
the Christmas tree which was beneath contempt. After that we had some kind
of veiled anti-suicide propaganda tarted up to look like drama and this
week’s special effect of the week. Then it was all down hill.
Gary: What did we all think of David Tennant?
Paul: He looked taller than the other fellow even though I only saw
him lying down. So I suppose he technically looked longer than the other
chap.
Gary: Wah-hay.
Paul: Sorry?
Gary: Carry on.
Paul: I’m not sure it’s a good idea to have him in his pyjamas
though – I don’t think a man can look good in pyjamas. Neither can women
of course which is why they don’t tend to wear them on television.
Mandy: I thought Davey was scrummy. He’s just the sort of man I go
for – tall, manly, hair, teeth, age – just perfect really. I wouldn’t mind
having him in my spare bedroom. I’d take his screwdriver away so he
couldn’t unlock the door. I’d feed him through a tube pushed through the
keyhole and make sure never to give him tea so that way he wouldn’t
recover properly.
Brian: And to think I thought Paul’s review of that German leather
film was going to be the scariest image of the Timey Wimey Team podcast.
Gary: Don’t forget when Mandy reminded us of the time you wore her
knickers.
Brian: That didn’t happen and we agreed to that. And… sword fights
in Doctor Who – I thought it was a cheap and nasty way to end the episode.
Typical of people who can’t think of an imaginative way to reprogram a
computer so it turns on its creators and blows all the bad guys up.
Gary: So – for the final time in this production block – can I have
your scores for the Christmas Invasion.
Mandy: Eleven.
Gary: I’m going to write that down as ten so it doesn’t mess up the
calculations.
Paul: Five.
Gary: Giving you an average of… five per story. Excellent. That was
easy.
Brian: Two and that’s very generous. I want you to asterisk my two
and say it’s very generous.
Gary: I bet that’s the first time anyone has called your pair ‘very
generous’.
(silence)
Christopher Eccleston: ‘tastic – absolutely fantastic.
Gary: Thanks Chris.
(sound of a tish followed by a badum)
Gary: Stupid computer.
Mandy: Can we go home now? I’ve got a date tonight with a hunky
multilingual dentist and he’s booked the table for nine.
Paul: Won’t that mean you’ve seven empty chairs and people look at
you as if most of your friends haven’t turned up?
Mandy: Can we put him in some sort of home?
Gary: Before you all go I’ve got something rather special. It’s a
Timey Wimey Team podcast deleted scene, exclusively here on the Christmas
special.
Brian: Oh dear.
Mandy: That sounds exciting.
Brian: You were here for the recordings, Mandy. You’ll already have
heard it.
Mandy: But not since it was deleted. That makes it automatically
more interesting actually.
Gary: Here we go.
(crude edit noise)
Brian: I had a go at thrusting but he said I was doing it all wrong
so we swapped ends and he thrust at me a few times. I watched him do it
and said I’d have another go so we swapped again and I thrust at him. He
said I was still not getting the movement right so we swapped, he gave me
another demonstration and we went back and forth until I finally got it
right.
Gary: And that was how you lost your virginity? Ha ha ha.
Brian: Yes.
Gary: Oh – I thought you were having fencing lessons and I was
being a bit saucy.
Brian: I was – I was lying to you for comic effect.
Gary: Right. Should either of us by laughing at this point?
Brian: I thought you would be and you obviously thought I would be.
So it hasn’t really worked.
Gary: I’ll delete this bit.
Brian: Good.
(crude edit noise)
Gary: Classic.
Brian: But we both agreed it wasn’t funny then so why would it be
funny now?
Gary: Because it was deleted. Duh. Anyway, Merry Christmas to
everyone at home and thanks for listening to the Timey Wimey Team podcast.
We’ll be back with season two…
Brian: (cough)
Gary:… aka season twenty eight later this year. So it’s goodbye
from me…
Mandy, Paul and Brian: …and goodbye from us.
(DOCTOR WHO THEME PLAYS AGAIN)
NEXT TIME
Gary: Where is everyone?... oh yeah – I said next Friday. Bugger.
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"the
podcast"