"the podcast" - Week Five

Gary: Wait... wait... this is going to be good...

(silence)

Gary: I think that clip sums this podcast up perfectly.

Paul: Very much so.

Brian: Bah.

(Doctor Who theme plays and is faded down crudely)

Gary: Welcome one and all to the fifth instalment of the podcast that burntorangesky.com said was puncturing holes in the Doctor Who universe - the Timey Wimey Team. I'm Gary and I'm a sort of general, Mandy here is the hottest WREN in England, my cousin Brian is the sort of pedant that still insists on pronouncing Lieutenant the old fashioned way and Paul Dullard is a private in anyone's army.

Paul: I just happen to like privacy - I'm not hiding anyone... thing.

Gary: Today we're here to talk about episodes nine and ten of Doctor Who - we're going back to World War Britain and are about to meet Captain Jack. Mandy - what did you think when you watched "The Empty Child".

Mandy: Oh my g-oh-d. I couldn't believe it. I was watching Doctor Who because my boyfriend had the remote control and would only let me have it if I did that thing which I don't like doing because I'll go to hell and suddenly Rose Tyler is wearing the exact same T-shirt as me. I mean how crazy is that?

Gary: Well...

Mandy: It's literally the exact same shirt except mine has the American flag and hers has the English one but it's the same shirt. Oh - as I say - my god.

Brian: It's not the English flag it's the...

Gary: Pedant alert. (plays a siren sound).

Brian: What was that?

Gary: The pedant alert. (plays the same siren).

Brian: What's it for?

Gary: It's a joke. A joke thing. I've really got the hang of this editing programme. Listen.

Christopher Eccleston: 'tastic. Absolutely fantastic.

Brian: What does tastic mean?

Gary: He doesn't say tastic - he say fantastic.

Brian: It sounded like tastic to me.

Christopher Eccleston: 'tastic. Absolutely fantastic.

Brian: He says tastic.

Gary: Maybe a bit but only at the start. It's basically fine.

Brian: In that case I think I'll start calling you 'Ary.

Gary: That wouldn't work.

Mandy: Does that mean I'd be Andy? I don't want to be a boy.

Paul: I'd be Aul which sounds much to much responsibility.

Gary: We're getting distracted - German bombs are falling on London and there are alien nano-genes blowing about the place.

Paul: There was nothing on the news. God - that sounds awful. Mind you, I've never trusted the Germans since I tried one of their expensive sausages and it tasted like sawdust.

Gary: I think we should take a break and get back on track - here's a clip for you at home.

(Doctor Who is playing in the background but it's mostly ambient noise and Gary's mum asking who the American is and who used to play him in the proper series)

Gary: So, do you all agree that 'Are you my mummy?' is the scariest Doctor Who bit ever?

Brian: I would, if I'd never seen television before and even then it wouldn't be quite as scary as this glowing box with people trapped inside it.

Gary: Not a fan then?

Brian: What is scary about a gas mask wearing short trousers? It's a common misunderstanding to assume that anything which is incongruous and repeated over and over again must automatically be scary.

Mandy: Stop it stop it stop it - you're giving me the willies. Not literally, obviously, as you're Gary's weird cousin Brian who pinched my knickers when we were little and accidentally wore them to the swimming baths. But that boy with the face mask thing was really scary. He kept walking in and asking people things. If there had been two of them I might even have switched over to celebrity wrestling on ITV.

Paul: I found my son terrifying when he was small. He kept creeping in and laughing at me when I thought I was alone. Mrs Dullard said I was imagining it but I wasn't.

Gary: You've got a son?

Paul: Yes.

Gary: Blimey. There's hope for you yet, Brian.

Brian: I don't want children, actually, as the planet is over-populated as it is and people who are capable of a bit of restraint should do their bit to save the world. Actually.

Mandy: I helped save the world this week - I reused my carrier bag in Tesco. It was brilliant. They gave me an extra Club Card point.

Gary: What do we think about the Doctor dancing in "The Doctor Dances"?

Mandy: I'd let him sweep me off my feet.

Brian: Further debasement of a once dignified character.

Paul: I didn't know he could dance. Actually, yes I did - wasn't Doctor Who originally based on the Georgian State Dancers?

Gary: Oh god. Right - scores for this two parter?

Paul: Um... five.

Brian: Two and a half.

Gary: It has to be whole numbers.

Brian: Who says so?

Gary: Keith's writing them down and his special pencil is too thick to get fractions in the little box I've drawn for him.

Brian: So I couldn't give it ten then as there isn't enough room?

Gary: Do you want to give it ten?

Brian: No - I want to give it two and a half.

Gary: Well you can't. Keith - write down 3 next to Brian's name.

Brian: History will think me a little more shallow thanks to you, Garibald.

Mandy: I want to give it nine because of my t-shirt being in it and John Barrowman being scrummy. He's exactly my type.

Gary: Well, almost. Aye, wink wink, say no more. He's almost your type. Aye.

Mandy: What?

Gary: There's only one thing stopping him being the type of man you - you know - go out with. Aye?

Mandy: I don't get it.

Gary: Oh. He's gay.

Mandy: Stop it - you always try and ruin everything.

Gary: He is - ask anyone.

Mandy: Paul - is John Barrowman gay?

Paul: I don't know - who's John Barrowman?

Mandy: See.

Gary: Well, that about wraps it up for another...

Christopher Eccleston: 'tastic. Absolutely fantastic.

Gary:...edition of the Timey Wimey Team podcast. It'll be less clunky in the edit. Thanks everyone.

NEXT TIME

Paul: Going for dinner with someone on death row is always awkward because they tend to say things like "I'll pay next time" and you can't bring yourself to say "But you'll have been killed by then."