St Kaled's Parish Newsletter - Issue Six

Hullo!!!!!!

My word - it never rains but it pours!!! I suppose I must've had a busy day on St Swithlek's Day and it's been forty days of busyness ever since!!!!

The Grand Opening of the Colin Baker Monolith

The Colin Baker Monolith - part of a series of giant stone structures dedicated to the cast of "The Brothers" - was unveiled by the man himself in a low key ceremony earlier this month. Tragically the event was cut short when the structure fell on top of Mr Baker and seemingly crushed him to death. I stepped in, ready to do my vicaral duty, but luckily Mr Baker was very much alive. The downside to this is that we have launched legal action against the sculptors of the Monolith after we discovered they had saved money by using polystyrene instead of marble. No one tangles with St Kaled's and gets away with it!!!

Radio St Kaled's Closed Down

I'm sad to announce that the St Kaled's radio station ("Kaled FM") has been forced to close after it's one and only disk jockey (Dalexei Sayle) met with a terrible accident while on air. Mr Sayle, described in the St Kaled's Recorder as "absolutely the best performer at the station", was accidentally electrocuted. Tributes have poured in from all over the Parish. My son Darren (aged 15 1/2!!!) said he was "well wicked" which I am told is a compliment!!. The station has been broadcasting silence - as a tribute - ever since. Rumours that Chris Evans (whomever he might be) would take over have not been denied!!

New Recycling Plant Opens

I was delighted to be a guest at the opening of the new St Kaled's Recycling Plant. This facility - which recycles a wide range of products (apparently - the science tends to go over my dome!!!) - is already proving a big success. We have a duty to protect this planet - it's the only one we've got after all (well, apart from the mighty Dalek Empire spanning twelve universes, but a humble vicar such as myself has little to do with imperial matters!!!) I'd like to take this opportunity to remind parishioners that anyone... I mean anyTHING they donate to this facility can only help St Kaled's in the long run. Well done everyone!!

Quick Message From the Vicar (I promise!!!)

The proposed trip to Blackpool has been cancelled.

Well, I've run out of time (yet) again. I shall see you all on Sunday (for the baptism of Margaret Hilda Dalek).

Bless you my children

Nigel

Rev Nigel Dalek (H.G.L.*)

(* - Happy-go-lucky!!)