KARTZ and REIMER: "According to the script, this is our only line."

DASTARI: "That’ll be all, thank you."

KARTZ and REIMER: "We want more lines – after all, we’ve become quite a pair of media celebrities since that business with Al Fayed all those years ago. Television, radio, court cases, newspaper columns..."

DASTARI: "Is there no beginning to your talent?"

KARTZ and REIMER: "Look Dastari, we’re not taking such abuse from you. Do you know what we are?"

DASTARI: "A liar and a cheat?"

REIMER: "That’s him. What about me?"

DASTARI: "You’re a non-entity – get me out of here."

KARTZ AND REIMER: "Wrong on all counts, Dastari. We are of course, this station’s most talented satirists, and we want our money for those special things we’ve been doing for ‘you know who’."

DASTARI: "Oh, alright."

KARTZ AND REIMER: "That’ll do nicely."

DASTARI: "What a bunch of tossers."

SECOND DOCTOR (suddenly arriving): "Here it is, I told you we’d find him in the end."

JAMIE (similarly arriving): "You also said he was a very distinguished looking man. Look at him - a slaphead with no neck."

SECOND DOCTOR: "I’ll thank you not to use that appalling mongrel dialect. Ah, Dastari my dear fellow. How long has it been?"

DASTARI: "Well before the operation it was..."

SECOND DOCTOR: "No, no, I meant how long has it been since we last met?"

DASTARI: "I remember it very clearly – you came to our inauguration, bearing fraternal greetings from Private Eye."

JAMIE: "That must have cheered you up – unless he actually made you read any of it."

SECOND DOCTOR: Yes, yes, well, that’s not all I do these days of course. I’m a regular on an amusing panel game."

DASTARI: "Yes, I believe I’ve seen Question Time. But you still act on behalf of the Eye?"

SECOND DOCTOR: "It’s a living."

DASTARI: "Needless to say, we've had no support at all from your people."

SECOND DOCTOR: Oh Dastari, you can't have expected any help from Private Eye – our policy is one of strict neutrality when it comes to other people’s humorous endeavours."

JAMIE: "I thought your policy was to avoid being funny wherever possible."

DASTARI: "Nonetheless, there's been widespread disappointment among the other comedic governments."

SECOND DOCTOR: Don't chide me Dastari, I'm simply a messenger. Officially, I'm here quite unofficially."

DASTARI: "Pardon?"

SECOND DOCTOR: "They can always deny sending me. Admittedly, denial hasn’t always worked for us in the past."

DASTARI: "True – some of your legal affairs have been quite amusing – partly the size of the compensation payments to a certain deceased big-boned gentleman from the media world."

SECOND DOCTOR: "Yes – he’s a crook and he’s dead so he can’t sue me again."

JAMIE: "Can you say his name yet? I mean, there was that time when you couldn’t even say ‘Maxwell Robert’ without your lawyer getting a bit edgy."

SECOND DOCTOR: "I hardly think it matters out here in deep space – but I’d better not mention anything about the fat cheque I gave to that fat Czech."

JAMIE: "That’s your one and only joke, isn’t it? Award ceremonies, dinner parties, no matter where it is, you trot out that tired old gag."

DASTARI: "So why have they sent you, Doctor?"

SECOND DOCTOR: "They’ve been monitoring the experiments in satire of the professors Kartz and Reimer. They want them stopped."

DASTARI: "I see... And how does that equate that with a policy of complete neutrality?"

SECOND DOCTOR: "Well, the usual answer we give is to mumble about Oxbridge and Peter Cook, and hope nobody notices. They didn’t when we drove Punch out of business."

DASTARI: "Typical hypocrisy."

Chessene, a stridently feminist woman played inevitably by Germaine Greer enters.

CHESSENE: "I wondered if your guests require refreshment."

JAMIE: "Well I wouldn’t mind a..."

CHESSENE: "Get it yourself then! Bloody men, who do you think you are?"

SECOND DOCTOR: "Ah, the first of many such remarks, no doubt. How are those ‘fuck me’ shoes of yours?"

JAMIE: "What about the ‘fuck me’ socks? Is the whole outfit a ‘fuck me’ three piece?"

CHESSENE: "Like Atomic Kitten?"

SECOND DOCTOR: "Who?"

JAMIE: "If old hoover nose was here, at this point he’d say ‘They’re a popular beat combo’."

DASTARI: "I think that’ll be all, Chessene. Why don’t you go and brush up on your improvisation skills?"

CHESSENE: "Yes sir."

DASTARI: "Well Doctor, what did you make of our shuttling?"

JAMIE: "I didn’t know we were playing badminton."

SECOND DOCTOR: "Was she an Androgum?"

DASTARI: She was indeed. Now she's an Androgum S-A. Satirically augmented.

SECOND DOCTOR: Oh, one of your comedic experiments.

DASTARI: I've carried out nine augmentations on Chessene. She's at a Stephen Fry level now. I'm very proud of her."

SECOND DOCTOR: "Proud of her, or of your own skill?"

DASTARI: Perhaps a little of both, but all that Androgum energy is now functioning on a much higher plane of amusement. She spends days devising complex political satire so rarefied in its humour, even John Wells didn’t get half the references."

SECOND DOCTOR: "She's still an Androgum. You can't change nature – she’ll bring out a custard pie or a pratfall before you know it."

DASTARI: "Oh really Doctor, I expected something more progressive from you! Don't you understand the tremendous implications of my work?"

SECOND DOCTOR: "Yes, that's why I say it's so dangerous."

DASTARI: "Doctor, comedy has become very tired. That’s why shows like ‘My Hero’ get made, and why ‘Last Of The Summer Wine’ has been running for so many centuries. Our seed is thin, we must hand the baton of progress to others. If I can raise the Androgums to a higher plane of consciousness, there's no limit to what could be achieved."

SECOND DOCTOR: "Dastari, I have no doubt you could augment Frank Carson to the point where he could actually make people laugh. But it would still be a very stupid thing to do!"

TECHNICIAN #1: "I can’t watch it anymore. It’s hideous."

Suddenly, the screen changes to reveal three rolling spheres in space.

TECHNICIAN #2: "Look at that load of old balls."

TECHNICIAN #1: "I told you, I can’t watch it anymore."

TECHNICIAN #2: "No, not that. That!"

The ship’s computer, played by Ken Livingstone

COMPUTER: "The approaching craft are Sontaran battle cruisers. Their intention is hostile. And they haven’t paid the congestion charge."

TECHNICIAN #1: "Quickly, we must...."

TECHNICIAN #2: "Milky milky."

COMPUTER: "Please complete your last instructions."

CHESSENE: "The last instruction is cancelled. Maintain normal surveillance."

COMPUTER: What about the congestion charge? When I was in charge of the GLC and we did the ‘Funk The Wedding’ concert..."

CHESSENE: "Activate silent mode."

COMPUTER: "Hmmph."

CHESSENE: "Open the docking bays, and prepare some lager and pornography for our guests."

SIXTH DOCTOR: "Don't do that! You'll frighten the fish."

PERI: "What fish? Doctor, I'm bored! I’m a teenager for Christ’s sake. I want to take drugs and have sex with my bit of rough. We've been here for hours and all we’ve done is sit around looking at some crappy lake."

SIXTH DOCTOR: You know, I think it was Geoffrey Perkins who once said, 'There are few ways in which ‘Television’s Mister Sex’ can be more innocently occupied, than in catching fish."

PERI: "That's a whopper."

SIXTH DOCTOR: "Sorry, are my flies undone?"

PERI: "It wasn’t Geoffrey Perkins – it was my mum, and she was talking about money, the tight arsed old bag."

SIXTH DOCTOR: "Well, what's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?"

PERI: Anyway, you're not innocently employed in catching fish, are you? You haven’t had a nibble all day."

SIXTH DOCTOR: "Not through want of trying. Oh, I see what you mean. They’re just lazy today – there are times when nothing will tempt them."

PERI: "That’s true enough – I stripped off in front of my boyfriend and he still just wanted to watch the telly."

SIXTH DOCTOR: "That’s enough of that. The last time I dipped my float in here, I..."

PERI: "You dirty old man."

SIXTH DOCTOR: "I was about to say, I landed four magnificent gumblejack in less than ten minutes."

PERI: "Eh? Gumblejack? Is that a card game?"

SIXTH DOCTOR: "...is the wrong answer. They’re the finest fish in this galaxy, probably the universe. Cleaned, skinned, quickly pan-fried in their own juices untill they're golden brown.. Ambrosia steeped in nectar, Peri. The flavour is unforgettable – the most fun you can have without your own nasal passages and a bag of... hang on... I think I’ve got a bite!"

PERI: "At last."

SIXTH DOCTOR: "That's it... yes... give him his head..."

PERI: "Not right now, Doctor – you wouldn’t be able to concentrate on the fishing. Blimey, have you really got something?"

SIXTH DOCTOR: "Yes, and my word, this fellow's putting up a fight. Stand by with the gaffe, Peri."

PERI: "Okay – ‘He didn’t quite his leg over.’"

SIXTH DOCTOR: "Not that kind of gaffe, love. That spiky thing over there."

PERI: I'm not sticking that thing in a poor little fish!"

SIXTH DOCTOR: Not so little, Peri. By the feel of this, it could be a record."

The Doctor reels in his line to reveal an extremely tiny fish.

PERI: "Oh, wow, Doctor. That must weigh very nearly an ounce."

SIXTH DOCTOR: "Size isn’t everything, you cheeky scrubber, as I attempted to explain in that hotel room. I still made her ‘groan all night’."

PERI: "In what way?"

SIXTH DOCTOR: "Stop it. We’re talking about fish, here. Did you see the one that got away?"

PERI: "Dear God. I wonder if Terry Wogan needs a voluptuous companion. Even his catchphrases are better than that."

To be continued...