DASTARI: "Even if I wanted to, Doctor, I have no authority to order professors Kartz and Reimer to abandon their work."

SECOND DOCTOR: "Of course you have! You commission all the comedy experiments around here."

DASTARI: "And what reason would I give? A Jimmy Somerville lookalike in a tweed jacket is getting a bit pissed off? They’d laugh themselves silly."

SECOND DOCTOR: "That’ll be a new experience for you after that last series of ‘If I Ruled The World’, wouldn’t it? And as I was saying, it isn’t me personally, it’s Private Eye. Our monitors have already detected ripples of up to point-four on the Hancock scale. Anything much higher would threaten the whole humourverse!"

DASTARI: "They are well aware of the dangers, Doctor.  They are dedicated satirists."

SECOND DOCTOR: "They’re a bolus of wankers."

DASTARI: "In the first place, I have no authority to ask Kartz and Reimer to submit their work for analysis – who do you think I am, Michael Grade?  And secondly, Private Eye is a load of pompous old-school-tie unfunny tripe…"

JAMIE: "Well, he’s got a point, hasn’t he?"

DASTARI: "… and they’ve no right to make such a grossly unethical demand!  I've never heard such unmitigated arrogance!"

SECOND DOCTOR: "And I've never heard such spacious claptrap!  Oh, and don't you talk to me about ethics – I’ve worked with Imogen Stubbs, you know. The world of comedy, perhaps even the whole of light entertainment, could be destroyed by your ham-fisted numbskulls!"

DASTARI: "I don't feel there's anything to be gained by prolonging this discussion."

SECOND DOCTOR: "Dastari, you’re a barrister and professional banter. How is it you can be such a stupid, stubborn, irrational, and thoroughly cowardly arse?"

SECOND DOCTOR: "What are you smiling at, you Coopers Creosote drinking Cockney?"

JAMIE: "Have you looked in a mirror recently? Actually, I’m just admiring your diplomatic skills."

SECOND DOCTOR: "My arse."

JAMIE: "I’m not admiring that – but it is difficult not to notice it. It’s like two whole Edams in a sack. Hold on… what’s that shining light?"

SECOND DOCTOR: "Dastari?"

JAMIE: "He’s gone to sleep – perhaps he did read that issue of Private Eye after all."

SECOND DOCTOR: "He's not asleep Jamie. He's drugged!"

JAMIE: "Blimey, has Angus been here? What’s that noise?"

SECOND DOCTOR: "I would have thought anyone from South London would recognise that sound. Run for it! Save yourself. Wait a minute, wait a minute – what’s all this ‘save yourself’ business? What about me? I’m the star of all this, you’re just my assistance. And a fat lot of use you are, too. This is all Harry Pearson’s fault… what a crappy script."

JAMIE: "I won’t hear a word against him – I’ll see you later."

SECOND DOCTOR: "Please, God, no – not Paul Daniels."

SIXTH DOCTOR: "We’ll try our luck on Pandatorea."

PERI: "In your dreams."

SIXTH DOCTOR: "You’ve never seen such fish - and as for the Pandatorean conga, it's longer than my co… well, let’s just say its highly impressive."

PERI: "I don't think I want to know. What is all this fishing stuff, anyway?"

SIXTH DOCTOR: "It doesn’t really fit with my smooth image, does it? But the writers couldn’t find a suitable replacement for this scene from the original. Also, it’s very relaxing. I think I've been overdoing things."

PERI: "Ha ha – Overdoing things? A couple of Barclaycard ads and a crappy documentary about David Beckham. My heart bleeds."

JAMIE (from off-camera): "So does his nose."

SIXTH DOCTOR: "Is the wrong answer… anyway, you’re not in this scene, so shush. Now then, I… aaaaaaaaargh."

PERI: "Doctor!  What's wrong?"

JAMIE (from off-camera): "He’s just seen the front page of tomorrow’s News Of The World, I shouldn’t wonder."

SHOCKEYE: "Alright my love?"

JAMIE: "Stone me, it’s him again. The walking toupee."

CHESSENE: "Shockeye!  Why aren't you on the ship?"

SHOCKEYE: "Nice to see you, to see you…"

CHESSENE: "Spare me the music hall dross, Shockeye. I’m at a much higher comedy level than you."

JAMIE: "Runs away."

DIRECTOR (off camera): "That’s a stage direction, Paul."

JAMIE: "I see that… now."

He runs off.

SHOCKEYE: "That Cockney’s escaped!"

CHESSENE: "The boys will leave nothing alive… I think they’ve been eating curries solidly for a week so they can gas the entire place."

SHOCKEYE: "Oh, but such a waste – I could see me and him as a comedy duo like Abbott and Costello, Morecambe and Wise... the old traditional stuff."

CHESSENE: "A load of old sexist, patronising, crap, in other words. Let’s go."

SIXTH DOCTOR: "Euurgh… Helen Atkinson-Wood… smeared in jelly… Neil Kinnock’s suit…"

PERI: "Doctor, are you alright?"

SIXTH DOCTOR: "Of course I'm not 'alright!'  What happened?"

PERI: "You fainted after catching whiff of another tabloid scandal involving hookers, I think."

SIXTH DOCTOR: "I never faint! And I never go with prostitutes. Well, I never pay up afterwards."

PERI: "That’s probably why they go to the newspapers."

SIXTH DOCTOR: "I remember now.  I felt a weakness… and then I was in another place!"

PERI: "Have you been at the Columbian marching powder again?"

SIXTH DOCTOR: "I was bald… unfunny… terribly smug and self-righteous."

PERI: "So, just the same as now, except for your hair-weave."

SIXTH DOCTOR: "Some kind of mind lock, I think."

PERI: "Doctor, you're not making any sense."

SIXTH DOCTOR: "I’m making perfect sense! I was being put to death!"

PERI: "For shagging hookers?"

SIXTH DOCTOR: "No – thank goodness we live in enlightened times."

PERI: "You do sound a bit confused - perhaps you should see a doctor."

SIXTH DOCTOR: "Are you trying to be funny?"

PERI: "It was just a suggestion. It seems you’re the one who’s trying to be funny – and failing."

SIXTH DOCTOR: "That’s a good point, my generously bosomed young friend. These harrowing days of tabloid ignomy have made me less funny than I used to be. I need my sense of humour topping up. And I know just the person…"

He pulls out a long, folded up strip of index cards out of his coat pocket, and starts flipping through the cards.

SIXTH DOCTOR: "Now, then… Arthur Askey - fascinating chap, bit wet… Bobby Ball... Griff Rhys-Jones - he had a lot to answer for… Angus Deayton… a legend... Charlie Dimmock… Hang on a minute. How did Charlie get in my wallet?"

PERI: "From the edge of your Barclaycard?"

SIXTH DOCTOR: (Grins for a long time to show he's a good sport) "Now where was I… Ah yes… Dawson… Davies... Davidson… Dastari!  Joinson Dastari, SH1, head of satire, Space Station Izzard, Third Comedy Zone. That's him!"

PERI: "Who?"

SIXTH DOCTOR: Dastari!  The pioneer of comedic enhancement – He gave Bob Monkhouse’s timing a tweak in the 1990s, got Roy ‘Chubby’ Brown into The League Of Gentlemen and was instrumental in getting John Major’s government re-elected in 1992 – and that was the biggest joke of them all. He’ll have no trouble sorting me out."

PERI: "I can hardly wait.  Who’s John Major?"

SIXTH DOCTOR: "Exactly. You know, this was a good idea of mine, wasn't it?"

PERI: "What?"

SIXTH DOCTOR: "Getting medical help!"

PERI: "Smug git. Oh look – I get the last line in an episode for the second week running."

SIXTH DOCTOR: "…"