By Eric Sordid

Part One

We open in Doctor Who’s famous TARDIS. At the controls is the good Doctor, now in his second incarnation. He is played by noted Private Eye editor and satirist Ian Hislop, who is wearing a very fetching tweed three piece suit - and a ludicrous Beatles-style moptop wig. His companion, Jamie McCrimmon, is played by comedian Paul Merton, who is wearing a ridiculously garish kilt and a t-shirt bearing the legend "It’s getting windy around the Trussocks."

SECOND DOCTOR: "Come here, Jamie. Look at that."

JAMIE: (Deliberately bad Scottish accent): "Och aye the noo, hoots mon, m’haggis is all up Nessie. Has anybody seen ma troosers? (Normal accent) Et cetera."

SECOND DOCTOR: "If this was the Odd One Out round I’d assume that was the only one not meant to be a Scottish accent."

JAMIE: "I’ll have you know that’s your actual Scots that is."

SECOND DOCTOR: "I hardly think Robert the Bruce spoke like that Paul...er, Jamie, I mean."

JAMIE: "Robert and Bruce? Were they twins? Was that the first time identical twins ruled Scotland?"

SECOND DOCTOR: (looks appalled)

JAMIE: "Was it like shift work? Who worked Christmas Day? ‘It’s not my turn Robert’, ‘Yes it is Bruce, I’ve done it every year since 1402, I never get to see Noel Edmonds give out Christmas presents to disabled people’."

SECOND DOCTOR: "Robert The Bruce."

JAMIE: "Was he? Well I never. Are you still here?"

SECOND DOCTOR: "Er…"

JAMIE: (hammed up pantomime voice) "Oooh look at the size of that thing, Doctor."

SECOND DOCTOR: "Yes, Jamie, that is a big one."

JAMIE: "’Just a wee laboratory’, that’s what you said."

SECOND DOCTOR: "I don’t think I said ‘wee’."

JAMIE: "So now you’re taking the piss? Are you sure we've come to the right place?"

SECOND DOCTOR: "Of course I am."

The Second Doctor slaps Jamie's hand away from the controls.

JAMIE: "Keep your hands to yourself, Ringo. We don't usually get to where you say we're going."

SECOND DOCTOR: "I got John Simpson where he wanted to go. Though why he wanted to revisit that pygmy tribe I don’t know.

JAMIE: "The tribe with the hallucinogenic drugs? It’s a mystery. What’s that?"

SECOND DOCTOR: "It's a teleport control! You'd think I'd never flown a TARDIS solo!"

JAMIE: "No one likes a back seat driver… as the actress said to the Bishop."

SECOND DOCTOR: "It gives the Time Lords dual control! Infernal cheek - I shall complain when this is over. Now then, I think we'll just dematerialise to avoid their detection beams, and slip in quietly."

JAMIE: "It never worked for Jeffrey Archer, did it?"

SECOND DOCTOR: "True – I can never visit a railway station and pay a prostitute two grand to say we’d never had sex without thinking of him."

JAMIE: "Then why are we 'slipping in quietly?'"

SECOND DOCTOR: "Jamie, some of the most brilliant satirists in the universe have assembled here to work together in pure ironic harmony. I don't want them to know that I've arrived."

JAMIE: "Why not?"

SECOND DOCTOR: "Think of the commotion…  They'd all be scrambling around, wanting me to autograph a few copies of the Eye, or maybe say a few things about Robert Maxwell. No, I just want a quiet word with old Dastari. Anyway, here we are."

The control room rocks violently, and the Doctor and Jamie recreate Voyage To The Bottom Of The Sea style movement. .

SECOND DOCTOR: "Right, follow me. We’d better take the recall disk. And don’t go wandering off, Jamie."

JAMIE (mimicking): "’Follow me’, ’don’t go wandering off’, ‘do this’, ‘do that’. Who cast this bloody thing? Harry Pearson, I bet. ‘It’ll get a really big laugh, honestly Paul’. He’ll be back directing commercials by the time this gets aired."

SECOND DOCTOR: "Do stop mumbling. And let me do the talking, eh? All you have to do is stand in the background and admire…"

JAMIE: "Your diplomatic skills."

SECOND DOCTOR: "Exactly."

JAMIE: "And your big fat arse."

He follows the Doctor out of the doors.

* * * * *

SHOCKEYE: "Alright, my loves? Ladies and gentlemen, it’s our special guest, Jimmy Somerville!"

SECOND DOCTOR: "How dare you have the impertinence to address me like that? We’re not on Saturday night now, you know. Who are you, anyway?"

SHOCKEYE: "I am Shockeye, of the Quawncing Grig."

JAMIE: "The balancing wig? Well, it is, but only just."

SECOND DOCTOR: "Quiet there. I am no Jimmy Somerville, I’m the editor of Private Eye!"

SHOCKEYE: "Oops – that was the worst mistake I’ve made since the first series of ‘You Bet!’ (He spots Jamie) Is this one with you?"

SECOND DOCTOR: "He’s from Merton. A Londoner. A cockney. He didn’t go to Oxford. Or Cambridge. Or even the LSE."

SHOCKEYE: "Ooh, lovely. I’ve not seen one of these for ages. Is it a gift for Dastari?"

SECOND DOCTOR: "A gift?"

SHOCKEYE: "A raw, earthy humour, my love, not like your patronising Oxbridge satire. Dastari will not appreciate it – he was seen watching an episode of ‘Bremner, Bird and Fortune’ the other day… and he understand and laughed at every joke - No sensual refinement whatsoever. Let me buy it from you."

SECOND DOCTOR: "My companion is not for sale!"

SHOCKEYE: "I promise you love, if you play your cards right, nobody in the nine planets would do more to untap the comic potential of the beast!"

SECOND DOCTOR: "Stick to your professional cheeriness! Come along Jamie."

SHOCKEYE: "Didn’t they do well?"

* * * * *

The Doctor and Jamie are wandering down a corridor.

JAMIE: "Who was that when he was at home? He looked very familiar."

SECOND DOCTOR: "Shockeye of the Quawncing Grig, so he said. He's an Androgum. They’re the servitors here – they do all the station maintenance, and the cooking. They also do panto, appear on Parkinson every couple of years, and that one there was a gameshow host."

JAMIE: "Ah, you mean a bastard."

SECOND DOCTOR: "Yes, with a high opinion of himself. They usually do."

JAMIE (to off-camera): "How come I’ve got so few lines in this bit? An inflatable horse could have done this role."

DIRECTOR: (from off-camera): "We auditioned two."

JAMIE: "Straight onto the casting couch for those two, if Pearson was involved. No wonder they didn’t get the job – they’re probably tucked up in his flat in Ealing, chained to his radiator."

JAMIE: "Crikey, is that Michael Winner?"

SECOND DOCTOR: "No - we’d be able to tell by the smell of the dirty underpants if it was."

CHESSENE: "Oh dear. The boys won’t like that – I promised them that Time Capsule so they could travel through time to experience as many different brands of lager as possible."

SHOCKEYE: "Will it make any difference?"

CHESSENE: Not to me. (she holds up a plain brown envelope) I still have the Kartz-Reimer module. But it shows that I was right to make two plans instead of one."

SHOCKEYE: "You get nothing for a pair, my love."

CHESSENE: "You’ll lose your pair if you don’t shush, Shockeye. Anyway, we must move quickly… the boys are on their way."

SHOCKEYE: "Already?  But the satirists won’t be unconscious yet – Jim Bowen’s only just started his act."

CHESSENE: "Then they’ll be under with a few minutes."

SHOCKEYE: Ah. Did they enjoy the video I made for them?"

CHESSENE: (smiling): "Dastari said that it was alright."

SHOCKEYE: "Higher!"

CHESSENE: "Dastari said it was brilliant."

SHOCKEYE: "Higher!"

CHESSENE: "Dastari said that you had surpassed yourself."

SHOCKEYE: "I didn’t get to see the playback – but the audience were in stitches. It was like being back on the game…"

CHESSENE: "The game?"

SHOCKEYE: "The Generation Game, my love."

CHESSENE: Shockeye, their last gameshow would have added lustre to your reputation as the nation’s number one entertainer… except they won’t live to remember it. Ahahahahahahahahahahha."

SHOCKEYE: "Ahahahahahahahahahahaha."