THE ‘HAVE I GOT NEWS FOR YOU’ DOCTORS

By Eric Sordid

Part Four
 

With a wheezing and groaning noise not heard on the set since Norman Willis was shoehorned into his seat all those years ago, the TARDIS materialises in a darkened kitchen on the space station Izzard. The doors open, and out steps the Sixth Doctor, played as ever by Angus Deayton, and his voluptuous young companion Peri, played by the highly bankable young singing sensation, Charlotte Church.

JAMIE (as played by Paul Merton; from off-camera): "I certainly would."

DIRECTOR: "Bank-able, Paul. It’s amazing how much publicity you can get from having a sexy girl in everyone’s face."

JAMIE: "Or on their face, right Angus?"

SIXTH DOCTOR (in an ‘on-with-the-show’ kind of manner): "I believe there was a cue line..."

JAMIE: "You don’t think anyone’s interested in that, do you?"

SIXTH DOCTOR: "I think elements of the audience are..."

JAMIE: "There’s an elephant in the audience? Are you having a competition with him afterwards? You know..."

Jamie makes an audible sniffing noise.

PERI: "Oi, that’s my line."

JAMIE: "Is it? Blimey, has Angus got you on it as well? He’s such a bad influence."

The Sixth Doctor attempts, unsuccessfully, to smile at the camera.

SIXTH DOCTOR: "I think..."

PERI: "I meant, that in the script, my next line begins with a sniffing noise."

DIRECTOR: "Moving on, then..."

PERI: "Oh Doctor, it's foul! Are you sure it's safe?"

SIXTH DOCTOR: "Don’t worry my dear – I’m here."

PERI: "That’s partly what I meant. What’s that awful smell?"

SIXTH DOCTOR: "Mainly decaying food - hahahahahahahahahahaha."

DIRECTOR: "Hold on... what the bloody hell are you doing, Angus?"

SIXTH DOCTOR: "It says ‘and corpses’ in the script."

DIRECTOR: "That isn’t a stage direction."

There is a long pause.

SIXTH DOCTOR: "Ahhh, right. Okay - Mainly decaying food, and corpses."

PERI: "Corpses?"

SIXTH DOCTOR (in a morose, state-of-the-nation address voice): "That is the smell of death, Peri. Ancient must, heavy in the air - the death of a glorious career. The world at one’s feet, Barclaycard offering to double the salary, a new series of Before They Were Famous, anything was possible. Then a couple of bloody hookers looking for a cheap buck simply because I’d forgotten my wallet. The unholy, unburiable stench of being a forgotten has-been, doing voice-overs on commercial radio."

PERI: "I feel sick."

SIXTH DOCTOR: "Commercial radio, and in particular local radio, has that effect on most people, Peri. I think you'll feel a good deal sicker before we're finished here."

PERI: "Oh God... not hospital radio?"

They leave the room – just after their departure, what is meant to be a growling animal sound is heard from behind a grille in the wall- sadly, it is utterly unrealistic.

 

In the corridor, there are signs of an enormous laser gunfight.

SIXTH DOCTOR: "Well, it must have been quite a fight, and quite a recent one at that. When I first saw this station, I thought of a comet strike, or some such natural disaster. But it's been deliberately destroyed - now, what kind of monster would want to stop the brilliant work that was being done here? Pure comedic research, the pursuit of ultimate satire and the perfect joke! It threatened no one!"

COMPUTER (played, lest we have forgotten, by Ken Livingstone): "It threatened Private Eye."

SIXTH DOCTOR: "Pardon?"

COMPUTER: "It threatened Private Eye – are you deaf? Return to your ship and bugger off."

SIXTH DOCTOR: "I’ve never heard such unmitigated claptrap in my life. Is that the sort of thing that is policy for the Labour party these days?"

COMPUTER: "If you tell me what Labour party policy on anything is, I will gladly comment on it. Now clear off before I put the defence alert on."

SIXTH DOCTOR: "I will not be threatened by a computer –and certainly not one that collects newts. Now put some lights on, will you? My suit looks better under a full wash of backlighting."

PERI: "How do you know it's a computer?"

SIXTH DOCTOR: "The accent – it gives it away every time. Come on."

PERI: "What did it mean, 'defence alert?'"

SIXTH DOCTOR: "It usually means that George Bush is going to attack another country in the middle East – but on this station, I suspect it’ll merely be death rays, nerve gas, things like that."

PERI: "Well thank goodness for that. For a minute I was afraid it might mean something serious."

SIXTH DOCTOR: "We’ll be fine, as long as we keep our wits about us... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh..."

He trips over a pile of old papers and a klaxon horn begins to sound.

PERI: "What is it?"

SIXTH DOCTOR: "It’s the bloody News Of The World – talk about adding insult to injury."

PERI: "No, I mean what's that noise?"

SIXTH DOCTOR: "It's depressurising this section!"

PERI: "It's getting colder!"

SIXTH DOCTOR: "So I can see."


Peri hurriedly folds her arms across her ample chest.

PERI: "Cheek!"

SIXTH DOCTOR: "I shouldn’t worry – we’ll die from lack of air before we freeze to death."

The Sixth Doctor tries all the electronic switches on the wall, but with no visible effect.

SIXTH DOCTOR: "Dead as a dinosaur. If only they’d had fifty pence for the meter. But we may have one chance..."

He rips off a panel and unfolds a suspiciously phallic hydraulic device.

SIXTH DOCTOR: "If I can get pumping hard enough, I think it’ll be the best thing for both of us. Here, Peri – get your hands round this and help me pump it."

PERI: "Euwww – not on your nelly."

SIXTH DOCTOR: "Not that!"

PERI: "Doctor, I think I’m going to faint...."

She does. The Doctor desperately pumps harder and harder, getting more and more frantic as the pressure builds up. Suddenly, before the innuendo gets any less broadcastable, a door opens. The Doctor picks up Peri and carries her unconscious body through the doorway.

 

Meanwhile, on the planet Earth, in some Spanish hacienda, Shockeye (the irrepressible Bruce Forsyth), Chessene (the indefatigable Germaine Greer), Varl (the inimitable Neil Morrissey) and Stike (the inflatable Martin Clunes) are entering what looks like a big Spanish villa.

CHESSENE: "I detect only one occupant – a female."

VARL: "Now you’re talking – a decent bit of a totty is just the thing for this jet-lag."

STIKE: "That’s right, mate. Hope she’s not as much of a cold fish as this one."

CHESSENE: "It might not be shaggable boys – I detect great age."

VARL: "That’s never a problem once our beer goggles are on – they divide the age and quadruple the sex appeal."

CHESSENE: "Whilst having exactly the reverse effect upon the gentleman wearing said goggles, no doubt."

VARL: "Eh?"

STIKE: "Careful mate – she could be a lezzer."

CHESSENE: "A what?"

SHOCKEYE: "Sue Perkins, my love."

CHESSENE: "Oh, I see."

VARL: "No offence, love – we’re not bothered if you are or not. In many ways, we’re lesbians too – except in male form."

STIKE: "Nice wording mate. Now then, Chesty..."

CHESSENE: "Chessene."

STIKE: "Whatever – lead on, and then perhaps you can get the kettle on."

CHESSENE: "Grrrr."

 

To be continued....