By Eric Sordid

Part Five
 

SIXTH DOCTOR: "Feeling better?"

PERI: "Yes, thanks.. how long was I out of action?"

SIXTH DOCTOR: "Long enough for me to get some work again – I’ve just done a series called Hell’s Kitchen. I worked with some great professionals - Jennifer Ellison, Abie Titsout..."

PERI: "Tits out?"

SIXTH DOCTOR: "Well, I’ve no problem with it if you haven’t."

PERI: "Doctor, you said ‘Abie Titsout’."

SIXTH DOCTOR: "Did I? I meant Abie Titmuff."

PERI: "Doctor! What’s wrong with you. You seem to be obsessed with sex at the moment – you’re on heat."

SIXTH DOCTOR (to camera): "If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. My name’s Angus Deayton, goodnight."

DIRECTOR (from off-camera): "Alright, Angus, that series is over now. If we can get back to the script."

SIXTH DOCTOR: "Sorry – look, can we just have a minute, Richard?"

DIRECTOR: "Still rolling, Angus. Time is money."

SIXTH DOCTOR: "Okay, where are we? It’s just the relief of getting regular work again, I feel a bit... well, I was so nervous on the first night of Hell’s Kitchen, I needed a stiff one before we started."

JAMIE (Paul Merton, from off-camera): "That’s not usually a problem for you, Angus."

SECOND DOCTOR (Ian Hislop, from off-camera): "Maybe the stress of being TV’s Mr Sex has finally caught up with him."

JAMIE: "What, he’s impotent? I always said those trousers were too tight."

SIXTH DOCTOR: "That’s not... well, it’s certainly not what I would..."

JAMIE: "It’s not wood? You’re right there. Try Viagra, mate – I bet you know a man who can sort you out with some stuff."

SECOND DOCTOR: "Try reading from the auto-cue, Angus – that’s usually wooden enough for anyone."

SIXTH DOCTOR: "I’m just going to blow my nose so this bit gets edited out."

JAMIE: "Batton down the hatches - there’ll be a snowstorm if he does that."

SIXTH DOCTOR (distinctly irritated): "Your line, Charlotte."

JAMIE: "...."

SIXTH DOCTOR: "Quickly, before anyone says anything, Charlotte!"

PERI: "Where are we, anyway?"

SIXTH DOCTOR: "Dastari’s office - He liked old, familiar things around him."

PERI: "Is that why Clive James is sat in the corner?"

CLIVE JAMES: "Good evening."

SIXTH DOCTOR: "Yes."

PERI: "Is that really Clive James?"

SIXTH DOCTOR: "It is - Clive, what happened when Douglas Hurd and Francois Mitterand discussed John Major’s future at the EU Summit in Brussells in 1991?"

CLIVE JAMES: "’How long do you give him?’, asked Mr Mitterand. ‘Two months, max" replied Mr Hurd. ‘Don’t call me Max’, said Mr Mitterand’."

PERI: "Blimey, it’s really him."

SIXTH DOCTOR: "You know, Dastari worked out his famous theory of adding an extra comedian to every double act at that desk, and in pen and ink. He detested computers."

PERI: "You speak as though you're sure he's.. dead."

SIXTH DOCTOR: "Do I?"

PERI: "No, but these scenes are so long and interminable we need some blatant clues to keep the viewers vaguely aware there is a plot of some kind to this story. Why don’t you do one too?"

SIXTH DOCTOR: "They're all dead, Peri... Forty of the finest comedic minds ever assembled in one place. The barbarity of such a deed.. I find scarcely conceivable."

PERI: "Well, were they a threat to Private Eye?"

SIXTH DOCTOR: "Absolute rubbish. This facility was a threat to no one, it's only purpose was to add to the sum total of humour in the galaxy."

PERI: "Well, then why did the computer say that..."

SIXTH DOCTOR: "I don't know. Not yet. Programmed to say that, presumably, in case of... something or other."

Suddenly, the lights in the room turn up to full.

PERI: "What's that for?"

SIXTH DOCTOR: "The computer’s switching to visual - It's been tracking us by the heat of our feet. In here, it couldn't detect us because of Dastari’s beloved carpet. This was the original from series two of ‘Terry And June’, you know – from their lounge. It was his pride and joy... I can’t believe he’s gone."

PERI: "Stop droning on about this bloke, Doctor, you sound like an old woman. You mean the computer got worried, and switched the lights on?"

SIXTH DOCTOR: "Something like that. It’s probably working out its next move - think of it as a game, between it and us."

PERI: "I love games, Doctor. Spin the bottle, sardines, strip poker. Games where things get a bit rude and risqué and are fun after a few glasses of wine. Not ones where I'm expecting to end up dead... Are you listening?"

SIXTH DOCTOR: "What? My word, they were doing some fascinating work here. This is Dastari's day journal."

PERI: "Fascinating – what’s it like... bought milk, went to dinner with family, felt ill again, watched telly... that type of thing?"

SIXTH DOCTOR: "Some people called.. Kartz and Reimer were having some success, it seems, with.. experiments in being satirical."

PERI: "But you can already do that... with a team of scriptwriters and an autocue, anyway. "

SIXTH DOCTOR: "I can, yes, but I didn't realise that this lot were so close to.. to the.. breakthrough..."

PERI: "Is something wrong?"

SIXTH DOCTOR: "This last entry... listen: 'Private Eye are demanding that Kartz and Reimer suspend their work, alleging their experiments are imperilling the comedic balance of the universe. No proof was offered to support this charge by the pug-faced little git they sent along, so I rejected the demand. Colleagues fear they may forcibly intervene, and we all agree that we must stand firm and refuse to be intimidated.’"

PERI: "So it was Private Eye!"

SIXTH DOCTOR: "No, it's not possible! No matter how dangerous the experiments they were doing, they'd have found some other way of halting them! Not this massacre! Plus, the majority of the staff are weedy liberals or pensioners – they’re frankly not the kind of people who go rampaging through space-stations kicking arse."

PERI: "Well.. maybe they hired some heavies."

SIXTH DOCTOR: "No, I won't believe it. There must be some other explanation!"

PERI: "Well.. maybe someone's setting Private Eye up!"

SIXTH DOCTOR: "Somebody already set it up back in the sixties, you silly girl. How do you think it exists now if nobody had set it up in the first place?"

PERI: "I mean, maybe somebody’s framing Private Eye."

SIXTH DOCTOR: "The only person who does that is Ian – he has every issue hung on the wall of his house."

PERI: "I mean, maybe somebody’s trying to deliberately make it look like Private Eye are to blame for this massacre, even though they had nothing to do with it."

SIXTH DOCTOR: "Why didn’t you say so in the first place? I suppose it could be somebody trying to draw a wedge between Private Eye and all other comedians. Although to be fair, some would say they’ve done that already by being so up their own arses, if I may speak frankly."

PERI: "But who'd benefit from that?"

SIXTH DOCTOR: "Christ knows – but I’m going to find out, or my name isn’t Doctor Who."

PERI: "Your name isn’t Doctor Who – It’s just the name of the series."

SIXTH DOCTOR: "Hmm?"

PERI: "Never mind – anyway, it’s getting terribly hot and stuffy in here."

SIXTH DOCTOR: "Yes, having failed to freeze us to death, the homicidal computer with the whiny cockney voice is now trying to bake us. It appears to be a machine with a distinctly limited repertoire."

PERI: "Who needs anything fancy when it comes to killing us! Oh Doctor, we've got to get out of here or I’ll have to take my clothes off."

SIXTH DOCTOR: "If you have to sacrifice your clothes to save your life, it’s a small price to pay. I tell you what, I’ll take mine off too, and we can play a little game. You can sit on my knee and I’ll pretend to be a train..."

PERI: "Euwww. Is that an escape hatch in the wall by that crappy painting?"

SIXTH DOCTOR: "Er.. oh yes, how silly of me not to notice it."

PERI: "Then let’s get out of here before we fry!"

SIXTH DOCTOR: "I don’t know much about art, but I know what I like."

END OF PART FIVE