THE FIVE KNOCKERS

By Eric Sordid

PART TWO

Meanwhile, the High Council of the Time Lords are having a little tea party to discuss the problems that the Doctor is having, the Death Zone, and the price of cod. Chancellor Flavia (Sarah Greene) and the Castellan (Simon Groom) are flirting coquettishly when their grumpy old chum Lord President Borusa (Richard Bacon) waddles in.

Castellan: “He has arrived.”

Borusa: “Involving this media celebrity does not please me.”

Castellan: “The Blue Peter Book of 1983 clearly states that when the High Council is unanimous, they can overrule anyone, even old jossers like you.”

Flavia: “So nerr.”

Borusa: “Grrrrr. Have him enter.”

The doors open to reveal that arch villain, the Master (John Leslie), oozing smug charm and superiority.

Master: “Lord President…. Castellan… and Chancellor Flavia… I may be seated?”

Borusa: “You are one of the most evil creatures our Time Lord race has ever produced.”

Master: “I AM AN INNOCENT MAN.”

Borusa: “No you aren’t, you bearded git. But we can make it that way – we’re prepared to offer you a full pardon.”

Master: “What makes you think I want your forgiveness?”

Castellan: “We can offer you an alternative to your Renegade Master albums. Do you see what I did there?”

Master: “Groan.”

Borusa: “A full new life cycle.”

Master: “What must I do?”

Borusa: “Rescue Doctor Who.”

Master: “Gasp”.

Somewhere, in a futuristic metal corridor, the first Doctor is wandering around grumbling. Suddenly, he sees a familiar face (Janet Ellis).

First Doctor: “Good grief, you’re that singer, aren’t you? The one who was involved in that French football scandal, eh?”

Susan (for it is she): “Eh?”

First Doctor: “You’re Sophie Ellis Bextor – and it was murder on Zidane’s floor, mmmm? Ho ho ho ho.”

Susan: “Grandfather, it’s me!”

First Doctor: “Susan? Surely it’s Susan.”

Susan: “Well spotted.”

Suddenly, a terrifying creature glides around the corner. It is a Dalek!

Susan: “We must be on Skaro.”

First Doctor: “We were brought here – maybe the Dalek was too.”

Susan: “How do you work that out?”

First Doctor: “I’m just hurrying the plot along, my child.”

Dalek: “DO NOT MOVE.”

First Doctor: “Look at the size of it – it’s absolutely enormous. This must be its arm, or is it an eye?”

Susan: “It’s a gun, you raddled old fool – RUN!”

Dalek: “IT IS THE DOC-TOR. AND SOME OLD TROL-LOP. EX-TER-MIN-ATE. EX-TER-MIN-ATE.”

First Doctor: “Oh cripes.”

They run off, with the Dalek in pursuit.

First Doctor: “Oooh, it’s no good, I’m knackered already.”

Susan: “Come on, Grandfather!”

First Doctor: “No, don’t argue Susan! When I say ‘now’, help me push the Dalek down that all-eh. And when I say 'drop', drop.”

Susan: “It’s pronounced ‘alley’.”

First Doctor: “Now!”

They shove the crappy old Dalek into a corner.

Dalek: “SH-I-I-I-T.”

First Doctor: “Drop!”

The Dalek goes schitzo and blows itself up with a stray death ray.

First Doctor: “Ho ho, it’s very dangerous to fire energy weapons in an enclosed space.”

Susan: “Don’t they get the viewers in though?”

First Doctor: “Well, I’m certainly going to tune in on Sadderday to find out. Look!”

He points out of a hole in the wall – we see a mysterious, phallic thing protruding into the sky.

Susan: “The Dark Tower – we’re on Gallifrey.”

First Doctor: “In the Death Zone. And I smell something fishy.”

Susan: “Sorry, I should have changed them this morning.”

First Doctor: “Come along, child.”

Meanwhile, the Second Doctor and the Brig are wondering around, trying to work out what the bloody hell is going on.

Brigadier: “Bloody charming, this place Doctor.”

Second Doctor: “Not as bad as that do at Lesley Judd’s, eh?”

Brigadier: “Bloody right. Where are we?”

Second Doctor: “I don’t know – but I have some very nasty suspicions.”

Something appears briefly in the mist. It’s clearly a Cyberman, but the boys are getting on a bit.

Brigadier: “What was that?”

The Brigadier wanders over towards a wall. Suddenly, a Cyber-hand thrusts through it and grabs the Brigadier’s leg.

Brigadier: “Bloody hell!”

Second Doctor: “Hold on, old fellow.”

Brigadier: “Gaaaaaaaaaaah.”

The Doctor grabs a plank and bashes the hand. It withdraws, like a detumescing willy.

Second Doctor: “Run like a rabbit!”

They do.

Meanwhile, the third Doctor is driving at a very sensible speed down a convenient road, when suddenly Sarah Jane appears out of the mist, and promptly falls down a terrifying slope that is all of about eight foot.

Third Doctor: “Hang on.”

The Doctor ties a rope to the front of the very sensible car, and chucks the other end down to Sarah.

Third Doctor: “Get your hands around this.”

The Doctor reverses the car, and Sarah is pulled up the death-defying nursery incline. Sarah is simpering, probably because of the mud on her ever-so glamorous M&S raincoat.

Sarah: “I’ve never been so glad to see anyone in my life – except maybe Justin Timberlake at Wembley. Wait a minute, it’s you.”

Third Doctor: “Yup”.

Sarah: “No, it’s ‘you’, you.”

Third Doctor: “Yes of course it’s me. Hullo Sarah Jane.”

Sarah: “No, but you changed… you became…”

Third Doctor: “All teeth and curls?”

Sarah: “Yes – and I’m sure you were a man as well. Did you have a sex change?”

Third Doctor: “Well, maybe I did. But I haven’t yet.”

Sarah: “Well thank you very much for rescuing me Doctor, now can you kindly explain why I’m here to need rescuing!”

Third Doctor: “Now none of that, you ham-fisted bun vendor. Let’s get into the car and get cosy.”

Susan and her ‘grandfather’ are striding across a bleak wasteland.

First Doctor: “It’s no good – I shall have to rest.”

Susan: “Shall I change your colostomy?”

First Doctor: “Keep your hands off – go and have a look over there because my eyes are tired and I can’t see what would be plain to anybody.”

Susan: “Look! Come and see!”

First Doctor: “Mmmm?”

He staggers half a foot and can now miraculously see a familiar blue police box.

First Doctor: “Goodness me, the TARDIS.”

With renewed vigour, the crusty old badger leads Susan towards the time machine. With nary a fumble of arthritic fingers, he lets them both in. They walk in to find Tegan and Turlough looking concernedly at Doctor Who, who seems to be fading in and out of existence.

Tegan: “’Oo the ‘ell are you?”

Enormously long pause.

First Doctor: “More to the point, what are you young people doing in my TARDIS?”

Tegan: “It’s his TARDIS – the bloke who looks like a vicar.”

First Doctor: “And who might he be?”

Tegan: “Doctor Who!”

First Doctor: “Eh? Good grief. Looks a bit poofy.”

Doctor Who wakes up suddenly.

Doctor Who: “You’re here.”

First Doctor: “I most certainly am not! Did you ever hear about that Swedish interpreter?”

Doctor Who: “No, no – here.”

First Doctor: “Yes, evidently my boy, now take it steadily.”

Doctor Who: “I tried to send a signal, but… I don’t remember… I may have had a few drinks…”

First Doctor: “Regeneration?”

Doctor Who: “Not right now, thanks. Oh I see – fourth.”

First Doctor: “Goodness me, so there are five of me now.”

Tegan: “You mean… you don’t mean…”

Doctor Who: “That he’s me? Yes, I’m afraid so. I am he and he is me.”

Tegan: “You shouldn’t be here, should you, at the same time as him? That’s reet bad.”

First Doctor: “Certainly not.”

Doctor Who: “It only happens in the gravest of emergencies. Like anniversaries. By the way, this is Tegan and Turlough.”

First Doctor: “And this is Susan.”

Doctor Who: “Cor blimey, what a stunner. Hello my love.”

First Doctor: “Now then, young woman, kindly go and prepare me some dinner. Oh and get some crisps for Susan.”

Tegan: “Hang on a minute…”

Doctor Who: “Tegan, Tegan, I used to get a little… tetchy. Fortunately, I was also senile, so he’ll probably forget it in a bit.”

First Doctor: “And now my good fellow, tell me everything that has happened here.”

END OF PART TWO