THE FIVE KNOCKERS

By Eric Sordid

PART THREE

The Master is about to go and rescue Doctor Who at the behest of the Time Lords.

Flavia: “We have prepared an open-ended transmat booth.”

Master: “Sauce.”

Castellan: “Here is a recall device and the Seal of the High Council – it may help convince the Doctors of your true intentions.”

Seal: “Arf arf”.

Master: “Aren’t you going to wish me good luck?”

Borusa: “We wish you success.”

The Master steps into the booth, and fades away.

Castellan: “And now we wait.”

Borusa: “I would prefer to wait alone.”

Flavia: “Be like that then. Come on Castellan, let’s go and look at those Victorian underwear clips again.”

Castellan: “Mmmm… Isla St. Claire…”

The Second Doctor and the Brigadier are still wandering around the sullen misty moors.

Second Doctor: “It’s just as I feared – we’re in the Death Zone, on Gallifrey.”

Brig: “What are you on about?”

Second Doctor: “Back in the good old days… I mean the bad old days, my ancestor had tremendous powers, which they abused terribly.”

Brig: “Well, we did too, if you remember. We used to get free drinks in the pubs in Wood Lane in exchange for snaps of Valerie Singleton in the bath.”

Second Doctor: “I’ve still got a few of them, you know, heh-heh-heh. Anyway, the Tower of Rassilon is in the middle of the zone – and that’s where we’re going.”

Brigadier: “Is that where Rassilon lives?”

Second Doctor: “Not quite, Brigadier – it’s his tomb. Come on, let’s ‘kick start’ our journey.”

Brigadier: “Groan.”

The Master arrives in the Zone. He finds a mangled corpse wearing a very lurid purple cloak.

Master: “One of my predecessors.”

Seal: “Arf”.

A thunderbolt zaps out of nowhere and blasts the ground near the black-hearted villain’s Adidas trainers.

Master: “Not the most hospitable of environments.”

A lavish banquet is going on in the TARDIS – the Doctors Who and their companions are scoffing themselves silly.

First Doctor: “It’s too dangerous, my boy.”

Doctor Who: “Well, the toilet’s blocked so it’s either go outside or keep it in until later.”

First Doctor: “There’s great evil at work here, you know.”

Tegan: “Evil?”

The Doctors: “Mmmmm?”

Tegan: “What are yer on about, yer great daft gets?”

Doctor Who: “Well, the Tower of Rassilon. Look, here’s my plan. I shall go to the Tower and release the TARDIS from the force field that’s trapping us. Then you can bring it along, if you can remember how it works.”

Susan: “Can I come?”

Doctor Who: “I certainly hope so.”

Tegan: “And me.”

Turlough: “And me.”

First Doctor: “Not you – somebody’s got to do the dishes. Pass me the pineapple.”

The Doctor and the girls leave the TARDIS. Turlough goes to the kitchen, muttering. The First Doctor guzzles his pineapple, but doesn’t spill a drop 

The Third Doctor is driving along, pontificating to Sarah Jane about the Death Zone, the Dark Time, the Game, and the Blue Peter Special Assignment as they go. Sarah is just about nodding off when a black-clad figure carrying a large animal appears.

The Master: “Doctor, wait!”

Sarah: “Who’s that?”

Third Doctor: “No, it couldn’t be.”

The Doctor sensibly reverses the car back down the road toward the place the evil villain his standing.

Third Doctor: “Jehosophat. So it is you. Another regeneration?”

Master: “Not exactly.”

Sarah: “Who’s the stud?”

Third Doctor: “That’s my best enemy. You like to be called “The Master”, don’t you? I might have guessed you’d be behind all this.”

Master: “For once, I’m on your side. I’ve been sent by the Time Lords to help.”

Third Doctor: “You? Sent here b’ the Time Lords to help me? That’s the funniest thing I’ve heard since I read Ulrika’s book.”

Master: “I have the seal of the High Council.”

Seal: “No we’re never gonna survive, unless we get a little crazy.”

Third Doctor: “Stolen, no doubt. I’ll return it if I can find a stamped, addressed, envelope. Or a handy zoo.”

Master: “I knew this was going to be difficult, but even I didn’t realise you would make it impossible.”

The Doctor tosses the seal on the back seat. Nobody makes the obvious comment. There is another thunderbolt.

Sarah: “What was that loud bang?”

Master: “When I was younger, I used to get up early and bang everything I could get my hands on.”

Third Doctor: “Stop that – this is some kind of a trap.”

Sarah: “You can’t just leave him here.”

Third Doctor: “Just watch me.”

The Doctor drives off so quickly that that the seal panics and does a wee all over the upholstery. Another thunderbolt lands near the Master.

Master: “These thunderbolts are everywhere.”

Another one knocks him bandy. Further down the road, yet another one smashes through the bonnet of the Doctor’s sensible car.

Third Doctor: “What did I tell you – a trap.”

Elsewhere in the Death Zone, the Second Doctor and the Brigadier are still going around in circles.

Second Doctor: “I wonder… could Rassilon himself be responsible for all this?”

Brig: “Wait a bloody minute – I thought you said the old sod was dead.”

Second Doctor: “Well so the official history says – but there are many rumours and legends to the contrary. Some say that his fellow Time Lords rebelled against his cruelty, and locked him in the tower in eternal sleep.”

Brig: “And now he’s woken up?”

Second Doctor: “Yes – and he’s spat his dummy out, by the look of things.”

The Third Doctor and his companion are climbing a hill, to the detriment of Sarah’s oh-so-glamorous shoes, and the Seal’s tired flippers. Suddenly, as if she scents a photo-opportunity for Hello Magazine, Sarah spots a squad of menacing Cybermen marching through the trees.

Sarah: “Look, Doctor - Cybermen!”

Third Doctor: “They make wonderful lovers, you know.”

Sarah: “Why?”

Third Doctor: “Because they don’t get tired, and they never give up.”

Sarah: “I wish I didn’t ever get tired. I’m beat.”

Third Doctor: “Don’t flake out on me now, Sarah. Geddit? ‘Flake’?”

Sarah: “Grumble.”

The Second Doctor and the Brigadier are struggling up a rocky path towards a cave entrance, which has some conveniently flaming torches on a rack outside.

Second Doctor: “To Rassilon’s tower would pass, the mouth, the tits, the arse… no no no no… “

Brigadier: “Are you in pain, Doctor?”

Second Doctor: “Age hasn’t mellowed you, has it Brigadier.”

Brigadier: “It’s the bloody piles playing up again.”

Second Doctor: “I was in fact trying to recall an old Gallifreyan nursery rhyme.”

Brigadier: “Does it help?”

Second Doctor: “Not a jot. But it has reminded me of that night round at Tina Heath’s house. Come on old chap, let’s go in here.”

They get torches, and enter the cave.

Doctor Who, Tegan, and Susan are walking perkily across a grassy knoll, when suddenly they are hailed from across a small gully by a familiarly bearded figure.

Master: “Doctor!”

Tegan: “Doctor, it’s the Master!”

Doctor Who: “Duh! No shit, Sherlock. Wait here, girls.”

He plods down the hill to see his bitter enemy.

Doctor Who: “What’s a nice guy like you doing in a desolate wasteland like this?”

Master: “Believe it or not, I’m here to help.”

Doctor Who: “Like Alice, I like to believe three impossible things before breakfast.”

Master: “Alice? Alice? Who the fuck is Alice?”

Tegan, eagle-eyed as ever, spots the platoon of Cybermen from earlier striding menacingly towards the two Time Lords.

Tegan: “Doctor, look out – Cybermen!”

Doctor Who: “She doesn’t miss a trick, does she? After you.”

Master: “What?”

Doctor Who: “Run, you fool!”

They do, but a crackling bolt of energy from a pulsating Cyber-gun knocks the Master clean off his feet. The Doctor cops a quick feel of the Master’s sinewy body, and notices the recall device given to the bearded wonder by the High Council. He picks it up.

Recall device: “Mumble bollocks mumble.”

Cyberleader: “You are now our prisoner.”

Doctor Who: “Sorry, must dash.”

He presses a button on the recall device and fades into nothingness. The Cybermen look up in the air for no good reason, then turn their attention to the Master, who is conscious once more.

Cyberleader: “Take him.”

Master: “I’ve been waiting for you.”

Cyberleader: “Kill him.”

Master: “I’m here as your friend.”

Cyberleader: “Yaddah-yaddah-yaddah. Who are you again?”

Master: “I am the Master – and your loyal servant.”

Cyberleader: “Yawn.”

Susan and Tegan have been watching the action from atop the hill.

Tegan: “Come on, let’s get back to the TARDIS.”

Susan: “But what about that hunk?”

Tegan: “The Doctor? You need glasses, m’duck. He’ll be alright. Come on, let’s get moving.”

Susan tries to run, but in a sickening recreation of the parachute jump that went horribly wrong, she twists and falls, screaming in anguish.

Tegan: “John Noakes never had these problems. Maybe she’s up the duff again.”

END OF PART THREE