THE FIVE KNOCKERS

By Eric Sordid

PART SEVEN

Deep in the bowels of the Dark Tower, the Second Doctor and the Brigadier are slowly ascending the stairs. Suddenly, there is a horrific scream

Brigadier: "Bloody hell! What the bloody hell was that?"

The Doctor: "Christ knows, but it scared me more than when the Brownies set the studio on fire."

Brigadier: "Bloody right, mate – although that fireman saved the day, didn’t he? With his big hose."

The Doctor: "Let’s take a look. And do stop mumbling, old fellow."

Walking round a corner, the two chums find Zoe (Caron Keating) and Jamie (Mark Curry) standing on a staircase. Predictably, there is a Lego sculpture of a man in the near vincinity.

Brigadier: "Bloody hell!"

The Doctor: "Jamie! Zoe!"

Jamie: "Stay back, Doctor."

The Doctor: "Why, you ginger tit?"

Zoe: "The sculpture, Doctor. If you brush past it, the head will fall off and we’ll be destroyed!"

The Doctor: "I hardly think that will cause any trouble, young fellow."

Jamie: "No, Doctor – If the Lego is disturbed, it'll destroy us."

Zoe: "You must go back!"

The Brigadier: "What the bloody buggery is that woman wearing, Doctor? Looks like an Oxfam shop on acid."

The Doctor: "Do stop gabbling. We’ve got to rescue them."

Jamie: "No, Doctor – go back, go back. There’s a minature steam engine and some cookery equipment here, too. It’ll destroy us!""

Zoe: "Save yourselves, for goodness sake!"

The Doctor: "I can’t leave you here looking like that – you’re dressed like a down-and-out Barbara Cartland, and he’s covered in mud. Except his arse, that is."

The Brigadier: "Let’s try another way, eh? I don’t want to see his arse."

The Doctor: "Always thinking of yourself, eh? Just like when you climbed Nelson’s Column with me and farted in my face."

Jamie: "That’s right, he was a selfish bastard."

The Doctor: "Was he, now? It’s a matter of memory."

Zoe: "Why, has he got Alzheimers? Don’t come any closer, please!"

The Doctor: "Why? I can’t harm you."

Jamie: "One step nearer, and it’s goodnight sweet ladies."

The Doctor: "You can’t kill illusions, Scholesy."

He steps towards the Lego sculpture and knocks the head off. Nothing happens.

Jamie: "Now we die. Thanks a lot, Doctor – some pal you turned out to be."

The Doctor: "You're not real. If you really were an ex-Blue Peter presenter, you’d have known that Purves never climbed Nelson’s column – some other blokes’ columns maybe, but not Nelson’s. So explain your ridiculous gaffe! Answer me, you speccy toss-rag."

Jamie: "Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah."

Zoe: "Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah."

They disappear.

Brigadier: "What the bloody hell was all that about?"

The Doctor: "Never mind."

Brigadier: "I still don't like it, Doctor. I don't fully understand why in soddery we're here."

The Doctor: "You want to get home?"

Brigadier: "Yes."

The Doctor: "That’s why we’re here – no wonder you ended up commentating on darts."

Brigadier: "Nothing wrong with that."

The Doctor: "How many episodes did you appear in?"

Brigadier: "Onnnee hunnnndred and eighty!"

The Doctor: "Groan."

Brigadier: "Just a little joke, for Christ’s sake. What the bloody hell’s the matter with you?"

The Doctor: "I’m tired – it’ll take us ages to get to the top unless…"

He spots the miniature steam engine that was referred to earlier.

The Doctor: "Are you thinking what I’m thinking?"

Brigadier: "Lesley Judd in a vat of custard… Mmmm…"

The Doctor: "Close enough – come on!"

Back in the Council Chamber, Doctor Who is still vainly trying to elucidate the whereabouts of Lord President of Borusa. He spots a picture of somebody playing a harp on the wall – then, with admirable detection skills, he spots a harp.

Doctor Who: "The Harp of Rassilon. I never knew he was musical. To be honest, the only instrument I heard he could play was the one-string banjo. Come to think of it, Borusa was always a bit of a wanker too."

Doctor Who plucks a string on the harp, because he’s quite musical. The noise of machinery is briefly heard behind a wall.

Doctor Who: "Interesting! A musical key."

He plucks some more notes – including a five year old’s attempt at the Blue Peter theme tune.

Doctor Who: "A combination of notes… A tune!"

Meanwhile, the elderly figure of the First Doctor and the busty hourglass figure of Tegan arrive, finally, at the room containing Rassilon’s tomb. Tegan checks out Rassilon’s fibreglass tomb, while the Doctor examines an obelisk in the corner. He is just emptying his colostomy bag behind it when the Third Doctor and Sarah-Jane Smith walk in through another doorway.

First Doctor: "Ah, there you are at last, old duck. What kept you?"

Third Doctor: "What kept me? Of all the confounded arrogance – remember who helped you out when you were too drunk to learn your lines?"

First Doctor: "Erm…"

Third Doctor (in a stage whisper): "’Never mind, never mind…’"

First Doctor: "Never mind, never mind - you can tell me later. Come and take a look at this."

Third Doctor: "What is it? And what’s that appalling odour of faeces?"

Tegan and Sarah get acquainted with each other.

Tegan: "’Ey ‘oop – didn’t I see you in the papers after your second divorce?"

Sarah: "Haven’t you got scabies?"

Back at the obelisk, the Doctors are looking fascinated.

Third Doctor: "Hmmm, fascinating."

First Doctor: "What happened to that prat who wore his wife’s underwear on camera?"

Suddenly, there is a rumbling noise, and suddenly with a loud explosion a section of the wall disappears in a cloud of smoke. Through the resulting hole rumbles a miniature steam engine, ridden by the Second Doctor and the Brigadier. It crashes into the tomb and falls onto its side.

Second Doctor: "The prat is perfectly alright, thank you very much. Ha – of course I’m here You don't imagine anything you two old codgers could do anything I couldn’t do, eh? Now what’s all this old bollocks?"

Tegan and Sarah: "Brigadier?"

Brigadier: "Totty alert! It’s er…. Oh I don’t know who you are. I don’t watch the bloody telly anymore. It was those bloody National Power ads… they sucked out my soul."

Third Doctor: "Hullo old fellow. So nice to see you again."

Brigadier: "Christ, you as well? It’s nice to see you, but I can't exactly say it's nice to be here. Do you know, I was about to have a w…"

Third Doctor: "You'll have to excuse me, old chap. We've got a very important inscription to translate and you know who the sensible one is."

The Third Doctor turns his back on the Brigadier.

Brigadier: "Well, thanks a shit. Thanks a complete shit."

Sarah: "Oh I know – drag you from your fantastic glamorous lifestyle to some distant planet without even a stylist or PA, then leave you chatting to somebody with a disease."

Tegan: "At least I never married Bruno Brookes."

Apparently the Doctors have completed their translation of the inscription.

Third Doctor: "That’s a turn up for the books and no mistake. Rassilon could have made a fortune out of that - I wonder if he invested in any TESSAs or PEPs?"

Second Doctor: "Get down, Pep."

Third Doctor: "Groan."

First Doctor: "It changes nothing - absolutely nothing. We lower the force field, get the vicar back from Gallifrey, and get back home sharpish. This doesn't concern us - it mustn't."

Tegan: "Come on, y’old buzzard. What do it say when it’s a’home?"

Brigadier: "Yes, come on old fellow. What the bloody hell’s this malarkey all been about?"

Sarah: "We’ve all been through a lot to get here – I’ve been through two hairbrushes already."

First Doctor: "You… tell them."

Second Doctor: "It’s written in BBC English, the ancient language of television. Not many people understand it these days, but…"

The Doctors: "…fortunately, I do."

Brigadier: "Fascinating, old love. But what the bloody hell does it say?"

Third Doctor: "That this is the Tomb of Rassilon, where Rassilon lies in eternal sleep."

Sarah: "No shit, Sherlock – we came all the way to find out something we already knew? What a waste of a good pair of shoes."

Second Doctor: "It also says that anyone who has got this far has passed many dangers and shown great courage and determination. Apart from my old mucker, who I think followed through when that Yeti was after us, isn’t that right old chap?"

Brigadier: "Bollocks, Doctor."

Second Doctor: "What does this bit mean?"

Third Doctor: "To lose is to win, and he who wins shall lose."

Sarah: "That’s a Spandau Ballet lyric, isn’t it?"

Second Doctor: "I know what it says, what does it mean?"

First Doctor: "It also promises that whoever takes their hand from Rassilon’s ring shall get the reward he seeks."

Tegan: "Snigger."

Third Doctor: "I think you might have made a bit of a hash of that, old friend."

First Doctor: "Mmmmm?"

Second Doctor: "He needs glasses – or perhaps a new brain. It actually says that whoever takes the ring from Rassilon's hand, and puts it on shall get the reward he seeks."

Sarah: "What reward?"

First Doctor: "Immortality."

Brigadier: "What, bloody live forever and never bloody die?"

Second Doctor: "Isn’t he a card? Isn’t he just a diamond?"

First Doctor: "That is what the word means, young man."

Brigadier: "What, diamond? "

Sarah: "But that’s impossible – think of how wrinkly you’d get."

Second Doctor: "It seems that Rassilon has it now, and is willing to share it with whoever takes his ring."

Tegan: "Snigger."

First Doctor: "Button your lip."

The Master strides in, looking pleased with himself.

Master: "Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, you’ve just told exactly what I needed to know! I came here to help you - a little unwillingly, but Abby’s thrown me out again and I needed the work. My services were scorned, my help refused, my manly torso mocked and my innocence disbelieved. Now I shall help myself - to immmmmmortality."

First Doctor: "Talk to the hand."

Third Doctor: "Don’t go their, girlfriend."

Second Doctor: "What-ever."

The Master cackles, and pulls out his weapon.

Tegan: "Cor!"

The Master: "And I know how to use it."

Sarah: "Hands off, scabby – the hunk’s mine."

Tegan: "Shut it – at least I’ve never advertised chocolate in the newspapers."

Sarah: "They don’t want people with leprosy advertising their products, that’s why."

The Master: "Enough of your bantering, girls – I prefer the one who sounds like Jonny Briggs, if it’s of any interest. Anyway, You will all succumb to my iron will once I’ve had my revenge on these three old jossers. They’re always dribbling on about how good Blue Peter was back in the sixties… let me tell you – it was shit! Train sets, dolls, elephant dung… how relevant is that? Time to say goodbye, Doctors – killing you once was never enough for me… how gratifying to do it three times over…. Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha…"

 

END OF PART SEVEN