THE FIVE KNOCKERS

By Eric Sordid

PART FOUR

Susan has just damaged her ankle in an attempt to emulate John Noakes’ parachuting exploits and to escape from the evil Cybermen.

Tegan: “Can you walk?”

Susan: “Ooh, just about.”

In the High Council’s chamber, the three who rule are sat around looking glum. The Castellan is studying a map of Derbyshire and crying, quietly. Suddenly, there is a stock BBC sound effect and Doctor Who appears in the transmat booth.

Doctor Who: “Quite a reception committee.”

Flavia: “I was in Ghostwatch, you know.”

Back in the TARDIS, and Susan is having her leg bandaged.

Susan: “Then he just sat down and slipped away.”

First Doctor: “Mmmmm.”

Turlough: “What could have happened?”

First Doctor: “Well, from the way Susan described it, he’s dead.”

Turlough: “Oh God.”

Susan: “He’s not dead, you old stoat. It was probably a transmat device.”

First Doctor: “Well, possibly. It certainly looks like Doctor Who’s got his work cut out for him.”

Susan: “I do hope he's all right. He had a peachy little tush, even if he had no dress sense. I’d happily have a child with him out of wedlock.”

First Doctor: “Well, with our young friend gone, I shall have to go to the Dark Tower.”

Tegan: “I'll tag along wi’yer.”

First Doctor: “Eh?”

Susan: “She means she’ll go with you.”

Tegan: “Reet.”

First Doctor: “Oh rabbits.”

Back at the High Council’s tea party, Doctor Who is trying to hurry the plot along.

Doctor Who: “It seems I've done the Master an injustice.”

Borusa: “He’ll get get get get get over it.”

Doctor Who: "Well, this changes things. If the Master isn’t to blame, then who is misusing the Death Zone?"

Castellan: "We were hoping you could tell us. You have been there."

Doctor Who: “Yes, and I’ve been to Skaro but that doesn’t make me Davros. Duh.”

Castellan: “Your momma’s so fat, she don’t sit around the house, she sits around the house.”

Fifth Doctor: “Don’t go there girlfriend.”

Castellan: “What-ever.”

Fifth Doctor: “Who has control of the time scoop?”

Borusa: “No-one. Its use is strictly prohibited. Well, unless we want to get a few beers in and can’t be bothered to go the shops.”

Doctor Who: “So the machinery still exists?”

Borusa: “Doctor, you seem to be implying that the time scoop was used to bring you here.”

Doctor Who: “What a brain, eh?”

Flavia: “Then you accuse a Time Lord!”

Doctor Who: “No wonder you’re the High Council with wits as quick as this. Yes – and I think it would be quite an important Time Lord as well.”

Borusa: “You have evidence, of course.”

Doctor Who: “Erm… well…”

Borusa: “Then upon what do you base this outrageous accusation?”

Doctor Who: “Gut instinct – I can feel it in my balls. Also, the Cybermen are in the Zone. Now, you know our legends well enough. Even in our most corrupt period our ancestors never allowed the Cybermen to play the game. Like the Daleks, they tend to get picked last for teams and frequently cry. They always used to bring notes from their mums to try and get out of it, as I recall.”

Castellan: “Hardly proof of a traitor, pal.”

Doctor Who brandishes the breasticular recall device.

Doctor Who: “Then there's this. You know, the Death Zone is a large place and yet, the Cybermen found us very quickly - almost as if they were supposed to.”

Borusa: “They are highly skilled in bed.”

Doctor Who: “Yes, I know. Now, this recall device is the one thing the Master would be sure to keep on him at all times because he once took two lesbians to a hotel room and was caught with his pants down when the tabloids arrived. Now what’s this inside… Oooh, a homing beacon."

He chucks the device at the Castellan.

Borusa: "Which you gave him, Castellan.”

Castellan: “Well, it's a lie. The Doctor wants revenge.”

Borusa: “What are you dribbling on about? Sit down, you pikey.”

Castellan: “I will not submit to such wild accusations.”

Borusa: “Commander? Come in here, will you.”

The doors open and the Guard Commander (Matt Baker) enters.

Commander: “What’s up, big man?”

Borusa: “Instigate an immediate and rigorous search of the Castellan's office and living quarters.”

Commander: “Why-aye man.”

 Back on the hills, the Master and the Cyber Leader are squabbling.

Leader: "I do not believe your lies."

Master: “We've all been sent here for the same reason…  to destroy each other, for the amusement of those bastards the Time Lords. But you don't have to play their game. You can defeat them and gain your revenge - but only with my help.”

Leader: “We would prefer Fern Britten.”

Master: “No you wouldn’t – she’s a treacherous slut. Now then, there's a tower, the fortress of your enemies, the Time Lords. It's well defended, but I can help you break in.”

Leader: “What do you ask in return?”

Master: “My life. My freedom. A chance to share in your revenge. To destroy the Time Lords. And fifteen minutes alone with your Lieutenant and a tub of Haagen Das.”

The Cyber leader and the Cyber lieutenant have a huddle.

Leader: “We will allow him to guide us to this tower.”

Lieutenant: “What is this ‘Haagen Das’?”

Leader: “Databanks show it is a human comestible linked to feelings of pleasure.”

Lieutenant: “Will you give it to him?”

Leader: “Promises to aliens have no validity. When the tower is in our hands, he will be destroyed.”

Deep beneath the Dark Tower, in caves as black as night, the Second Doctor and the Brigadier are making their merry way upwards.

Second Doctor: “Come along, Brigadier, come along - this way. It's rising all the time.”

Brigadier: “I’m not interested in your pocket rocket, Doctor. I’m not a poofter.”

Suddenly there is a terrible roaring noise.

Brigadier: “Bloody hell, what was that?”

Second Doctor: “It sounded like some thing very large and very fierce and probably very hungry.”

Brigadier: “Sounds like Tina Heath when she was pregnant.”

Second Doctor: “Shut up you old tart – run for it!”

Outside, somewhere in a quarry on a hill in the Death Zone, are the Third Doctor and Sarah.

Sarah: “It's a dead end.”

Third Doctor: “Rather like GM-TV, you mean?”

Sarah: “Grumble.”

Third Doctor: “Anyway, we can get up there.”

Sarah: “You’re not getting me up there - I get vertigo.”

Third Doctor: “Well, I'll help you. And anyway, we can't go back."

Sarah: “Okay, well let's go then. And if I don't fall off that path, I'll probably die of fright, or appear on cable telly or something…”

Third Doctor: “Wait, you babbling wench!”

Sarah: “What is it?”

Standing by the entrance to a cave is a Raston Warrior Robot (Michael Sundin).

Third Doctor: “It’s a Raston Warrior Robot - the most perfect killing machine ever devised. They probably used it on your career.”

Sarah: “But it isn't armed.”

Showing off, the robot fires a long arrow from its arm.

Third Doctor: “Doh! It’s noticed us. Quick! Over there! The armaments are built in, and its sensors detect movement, any movement.”

Sarah: “Censors? Is that why its bollocks aren’t showing?”

Third Doctor: “What are they?”

Sarah: “Never mind - anything else I shouldn't know?”

Third Doctor: “Yes - they move like lightning.”

The Robot starts jumping around, disappearing and reappearing.

Sarah: “What’s it doing?”

Third Doctor: “Arsing about. Freeze, Sarah Jane. If you move, we're dead.”

Back in the High Council chamber, the search of the Castellan’s quarters is apparently complete.

Commander: “We went up the toon, pet, and we found these. As you can see, the casket bears the seal of Rassilon.”

Seal: “Arf.”

Borusa: “Remove the seal. Where was this found?”

Commander: In the Castellan's room, why-aye.”

Borusa opens the casket to reveal something vaguely interesting.

Flavia: “Goodness me - the black scrolls of Rassilon.”

Doctor Who: “Interesting - I thought they were out of print.”

Flavia: “You might find a copy in your local library.”

Borusa: “No, don't touch, Doctor. This is forbidden knowledge from back in the day.”

Chancellor Flavia stubs out her Berkley Menthol in the casket, and the scrolls burn to ashes.

Borusa: “Bang to rights.”

Castellan: “I. Am. Innocent. I have never seen that casket before.”

Borusa: “Shah, right. Commander, take him to security and discover the truth. You are authorised to use the Mind Probe.”

Castellan: "What? No, not the mind probe!”

The Castellan is taken out of the room by the grinning Guard Commander.

Doctor Who: “Look, let me speak to him. I’m always good with his sort.”

Borusa: “No, Doctor. The mind probe will give us all the answers we require. If he actually has a mind, that is.”

Suddenly, there is a shot from outside the room. Doctor Who, Borusa and Flavia rush out to find the Castellan dying on the floor. A gun is lying on the floor nearby.

Doctor: "Was that really necessary, you Geordie twit?”

Commander: “Dinna get angry on us, man. He was armed and trying to hop it.”

Castellan: “I’m… dying…”

Borusa:  “Die then, you treacherous foul fiend.”

Flavia bends over him, revealing a generous proportion of cleavage.

Castellan: “What a beautiful pair… of tits.”

He dies.

Doctor Who: “Well, it seems you have been saved the embarrassment – and indeed, the expense – of a trial.”

Borusa: “And you have found your traitor, Doctor. I never liked him anyway – anybody who puts their hands up cow’s arses all day long has to be a bit odd. Let’s hope that now he’s dead, it’ll simplify things for your other selves.”

Doctor Who: “Yes, I should be getting back to them. I suppose.”

Borusa: “Doctor, I admire your courage, and your pleasant open-face but you cannot return. It will take some time to establish the Castellan's role in this despicable business. I need your help and advice. I get lonely at nights, too, when it’s cold, and the rain is beating down, and I lie awake, racked with guilt and sorrow…”

Doctor Who: “Yes, yes, whatever. Are all my other selves in the Zone?”

Borusa: “All but one - he is trapped in the vortex. Doctor, I am sorry, but I must insist that you remain. Chancellor Flavia, would you escort the young fellow to a place of rest – not your own, you rampant slut.”

Flavia: “Shame.”

END OF PART FOUR