The Master: "You will all succumb to my iron will once I’ve had my revenge on these three old jossers. They’re always dribbling on about how good Blue Peter was back in the sixties… let me tell you – it was shit! Train sets, dolls, elephant dung… how relevant is that? Time to say goodbye, Doctors – killing you once was never enough for me… how gratifying to do it three times over…. Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha…"

Brigadier: "Nice to see you again, Professor Stahlman."

Master: "Eh?"

Second Doctor: "Badda-bing!"

Susan: "What are we going to do we do now?"

Turlough: "Well, one or two things spring to mind."

Doctor Who: "Well, if it is a tune, what could it be? A tune like...a tune like... "

Doctor Who: "Dime Bar? Hello? You’ve been under my nose all the time!"

Borusa: "Welcome, Doctor."

Doctor Who: "Well blow me down."

Borusa: "All in good time, Doctor. You show only a little surprise. Can it be that you suspected me?"

Doctor Who: "I had no id... er, yes. Right from the start – you were my number one candidate for the whole thing, although your little charade fooled me for a while."

Borusa: "Rather splendid, wasn’t it? A pity about the Castellan, but then, he was such a dullard it doesn’t really matter. Anyway, I needed someone to use for a diversion."

Doctor Who: "Oh Borusa, what’s happened to you?"

Borusa: "Stop simpering, you little pussy. You know how long I’ve been the Don around here, both openly, and behind the scenes?"

Doctor Who: "You'd done great service - it was only right you should become President."

Borusa: "Stop sucking me off, Doctor – you always were a teachers pet at the Academy."

Doctor Who: "Eh?"

Borusa: "How long will it be before I must retire - my work half done? If I could continue..."

Doctor Who: " Oh, I understand. You want to be President throughout all your remaining regenerations."

Borusa: "You underestimate my ambition, Doctor. I shall be President eternal - and rule forever."

Doctor Who: "Immortality? That’s impossible, even for a Time Lord."

Borusa: "Rassilon achieved it. Cliff Richard achieved it. Timeless, perpetual, bodily regeneration. True immortality. Bring it on."

Back at Rassilon’s tomb, the Third Doctor is fiddling with some controls on the wall.

Third Doctor: "Well I’ve reversed the polarity of the neutron flow, so the TARDIS should be free of the forcefield."

Second Doctor: "Well done old thing, really well done. Now how about making us some coffee?"

Brigadier: "A few biscuits would be bloody refreshing too."

First Doctor: "Get a move on, love."

He pats the Third Doctor’s bottom in a distinctly patronising manner.

Third Doctor: "Men are such bastards."

The Cybermen are about to blow the TARDIS to bits.

Cyberman: "All is prepared."

Leader: "Detonate!"

Leader: "Shit."

Back in the secret control room, Borusa is filling in a few gaps in the plot.

Borusa: "Before Rassilon was bound, he left clues for his successor, whom he knew would follow him. I have discovered much, Doctor - This game control room, the casket, the scrolls..."

Doctor Who: "Very painful I understand."

Borusa: "But not the final secret of immortality. That lies in the Dark Tower, in the Tomb of Rassilon itself. But there are many dangers - many traps."

Doctor Who: "So, you sent me to the Zone to deal with them for you, eh?"

Borusa: "I gave you some sexy young companions to show a bit of leg. A few old enemies to fight, a few laughs, a bit of fun. It’s a gameshow within a game."

Doctor Who: "Only you botched it, didn’t you? One of my selves is trapped in a time vortex, and it’s proving to be a real pain in the arse."

Borusa: "Have no fear, Doctor. Your temporal and anal stability will be maintained. I need you to serve me."

Doctor Who: "In your best dreams."

Borusa: "You have no choice, Doctor – I wear the athletic support of Rassilon."

Doctor Who: "And very fetching it is too."

Borusa: It emphasizes my willy, and also allows me to control the minds of others. You bow down before me, Doctor."

Borusa: "Come, Doctor."

Doctor Who: "Mmmmfl."

Second Doctor: "Can you hear me? Calling the Capitol, calling the Capitol. This is the Doctor... well one of ‘em, anyway. Is there anybody there? Can you hear me Doctor? Who writes this utter drivel? ‘Calling the Capitol’? I mean, what a load of rubbish."

Brigadier: "It’s bloody bollocks, mate."

Doctor Who: "Yes, I’m here."

Second Doctor: "Ah, there I am. I mean, there you are. We've reached the Tower, we're all safe, the barriers are down, the TARDIS is here, and the coffee’s on."

Third Doctor: "No it isn’t!"

Second Doctor: "And I say - we've made the most extraordinary discovery."

Doctor Who (stilted wooden voice): "I know what you have discovered. Do not transmit further. Stay where you are and touch nothing. President Borusa is arriving to take full charge."

Second Doctor: "Touch nothing? Bloody young upstart. Who the hell does he think he is?"

First Doctor: "He didn’t want you mentioning Rassilon’s ring."

Second Doctor: "He’s a bit of a prude, isn’t he?"

Brigadier: "He needs a bloody good shoe-ing, if you ask me, mate."

Second Doctor: "That’s right, mate."

Third Doctor: "Something’s wrong, you know."

Second Doctor: "How can you tell? Women’s intuition?"

First Doctor: "I feel it too."

Second Doctor (whispering to the Brigadier): "I think he’s pissed himself."

Tegan: "Eeeh, Doc... are you a’right?"

Borusa: "Be SILENT! Be silent all of you. Do not move or speak until I give you leave."

Second Doctor: "It’s like having five Harry Sullivans in the room."

Borusa: "Gentlemen, I owe you my thanks. You have served the purpose for which I brought you here."

Third Doctor: "You brought us here?"

Second Doctor: "He's after the Ring of Rassilon - he wants immortality."

Third Doctor: "And you were the one who didn't sense anything was wrong."

First Doctor: "He’s a renegade – no better than that villain down there."

Third Doctor: "The Tomb was sealed for the best of reasons, and as soon as we’ve all gone home, it must be sealed – permanently."

Second Doctor: "Let’s show him what we’re made of, eh Brigadier?"

Brigadier: "Bloody sorry, Doctor, but it seems I can only move my head."

Tegan: "That’s more than I can do."

Sarah: "Try moisturiser, darling."

Tegan: "Try avoiding Radio One disc jockeys, yer slapper."

Second Doctor: "Doctor, we need you. Join us."

First Doctor: "He can’t, he’s had his mind taken over by that scoundrel in the jockey shorts. Fight it my boy – think of the Blue Peter badge... think of the Bring and Buy Sales... think of Katy Hill on the trampoline..."

Captain Yates (voice-over): "I could watch that pair bouncing around all day."

Doctor Who: "You see, Borusa? Together, we’re a match for you."

Borusa: "I think not. You’ll never come over me."

First Doctor: "Eh?"

Borusa: "Overcome me, that is."

Doctor Who: "We don’t need to – Chancellor Flavia will be along soon with her big army of guards. Or do you believe you can come over the entire High Council?"

Second Doctor: "That’s a whole lot of spu..."

Doctor Who: "Overcome the entire High Council."

Borusa: "Why not? I am the Lord President, and you are the notorious renegades. You don’t have a prayer."

Rassilon (booming voice-over): "STICKY BACKED PLASTIC."

Borusa walks over to the tomb of Rassilon. Doctor Who tries to follow, but is prevented by the First Doctor.

First Doctor: "That was the voice of Rassilon, my boy. It’s out of our hands now."

Rassilon: "Who stands so proudly before me?"

Brigadier: "Sorry– I always get a bit bloody excited at the tense bits."

Borusa: "I am Borusa, Lord President of Gallifrey, Blue Peter presenter extraordinaire. I seek that which is promised."

Rassilon: "You seek immortality?"

Borusa: "I do."

Rassilon: "Be sure – be very sure. Even now, it is not too late to turn back. Who are these others?"

Borusa: "Er... they are my servants."

Rassilon: "Is this true?"

Doctor Who: "Nonsense."

Third Doctor: "Ridiculous."

Second Doctor: "Laughable."

Brigadier: "Bollocks."

First Doctor: "Don’t listen to them, Your Excellency. President Borusa speaks the truth."

Rassilon: "You believe he deserves immortality?"

First Doctor: "Indeed I do."

Second Doctor (whispering): "He’s senile."

Rassilon: You claim immortality, President Borusa. You will not turn back?"

Borusa: "Never."

Rassilon: "Put your finger into my ring."

Rassilon: "Others have come to claim immortality through the ages. It was given to them, as it shall be given to you. Your place is prepared, Lord President. You are an immortal now... and here’s some I made I earlier..."

Rassilon: "And what of you lot? Do you want some as well?"

Second Doctor: "No thanks – I’m trying to give it up."

Doctor Who: "All we ask is that we be returned to our proper place in time and space. Oh, and one of us is trapped."

Rassilon: "It shall be done -your action hero friend and his busty sidekick will be freed. So shall the one who is bound. His sins will find their punishment in due time."

The Master: "I am an innocent maaa..........."

He fades away into nothingness.

Second Doctor: "I don’t suppose there’s any chance of getting our old jobs back, is there? Money’s pretty tight nowadays."

Rassilon: "Whaaaaaaaat?"

Third Doctor: "He’s er, he’s joking."

Rassilon: "He’d better be. We don’t want people of his age on children’s television – it frightens the toddlers."

Brigadier: "You are a bit bloody scary, mate. It’s the twitching."

Rassilon: "It is time for your other selves to depart. Let them make like a tree, and leave. You have chosen wisely, Doctor. See you on Thursday... I mean, farewell."

First Doctor: "Hahahahaha."

Doctor Who: "What’s so funny?"

First Doctor: "Mmmmm? Oh tish and pish my dear boy. I just realised that I didn’t reattach my catheter this morning."

Susan: "Grandfather, really. Think of the state of your long-johns."

Doctor Who: "Did you know what would happen?"

First Doctor: "Eh? Oh yes – I realised what the old proverb meant. 'To lose is to win - and he who wins shall lose'. It was all part of Rassilon's trap to find out who wanted immortality and put him out of the way. The old bird knew very well that immortality was a curse, not a blessing. That’s why even she gave up Blue Peter in the end, y’know."

Brigadier: "Looks like you’d never have got your bloody job back anyway, mate."

Second Doctor: "There’s still the nostalgia market. We can still get a couple of quid out of the BBC somehow. When’s the fiftieth anniversary?"

Doctor Who: "Well, it seems we must part. Just as I was getting to know you... or is it me?"

Second Doctor: "So you’re the latest model, then?"

Doctor Who: "Yes – and the best looking."

Second Doctor: "And the most arrogant."

Third Doctor: "Our dress sense hasn’t improved much, has it?"

First Doctor: "Nor our haircut. Well, goodbye my boy. You did quite well... quite well. It’s good to know that our future is in safe hands. Come along, Susan."

Susan: "Goodbye everyone."

Turlough: "You forgot these."

He produces a pair of silky panties.

Susan: "But they’re not mine!"

Second Doctor: "That’s my line – come on Brigadier, time to get down the pub before lasties, if we’re quick."

Brigadier: "Goodbye Doctors – bloody splendid buggers, all of you."

Third Doctor: "Well goodbye my dear chap. I must say, I’ve had the time of my lives. Haven’t we, Sarah Jane?"

Sarah: "Have you been at the sherry, Doctor? I need to speak to my therapist, my dresser, and my bank manager. Not necessarily in that order. Goodbye everybody – look after yourselves. Particularly you, scabby."

Tegan: "I’ll look out for you on Trisha when your next marriage goes wrong."

Doctor Who: "Bye bye, Sarah-Jane."

Sarah: "Goodbye – it was nice meeting you."

Third Doctor: "Thank you, Sarah Jane. It was nice meeting you, too."

Sarah: "Drunk, mad, and blind."

Doctor Who: "What a bunch of inbred half-wits."

Tegan: "Are we all buggerin’ off ‘ome together, Doc?"

Doctor Who: "Watch."

Flavia: "Doctor, thank the stars you’re safe. When I found a discarded pair of underpants, I feared that President Borusa... Where is President Borusa?"

Doctor Who: "He’s had to go, I’m afraid. He let himself down, he let us down, and worst of all he let you down."

Flavia: "You must make a full statement to the High Council."

Doctor Who: "Oh must I?"

Flavia: "It can form part of your inaugural address."

Doctor Who: "My what?"

Flavia: Doctor, you have evaded your responsibilities for far too long. The disgrace of President Borusa leaves a gap at the very top of the pole. A gap for an educated, responsible, person. Somebody sound. Yet again, it is my duty and my pleasure to inform you that the full council has exercised its emergency powers to appoint you to the position of President of Gallifrey, and subsequently, the new editor of Blue Peter."

Doctor Who: "Very well, Chancellor Flavia. You will return to Gallifrey immediately and summon the High Council. You have full deputy editor powers until I return - I shall travel in my TARDIS."

Flavia: "But Doctor..."

Doctor Who: "You will address me by my proper title... I am I am President, am I not? You will obey my commands. (To Tegan and Turlough) Into the TARDIS. (To the guards) You will escort Chancellor Flavia back to her duties. Don’t let her appoint anymore cokeheads, mmm?"

Flavia: "Bloody kids."

Tegan: "So it’ll soon be g’bye, then?"

Doctor Who: "Will it?"

Turlough: "Well, you’re off to Gallifrey to be President – and then to the BBC to edit Blue Peter. I suppose somebody will find us a TARDIS that really works to get us home. Or even better, get us another job in broadcasting."

Doctor Who: "Who said anything about Gallifrey, or editing things?"

Turlough: "Chancellor Flavia did. Are you going senile like that old fart?"

Doctor Who: "I told Flavia she had full deputy powers until I return."

Tegan: "You ain’t goin’ back?"

Doctor Who: "You know Tegan, I could kiss you. On the lips."

Turlough: "Won’t everyone be very angry?"

Doctor Who: "Furious."

Tegan: "You mean you're deliberately choosing to go on the run from your own people in a rackety old TARDIS?"

Doctor Who: "Nice convoluted set-up line to a pay-off gag, Tegan."

Tegan: "Ta."

Doctor Who: "Why not? After all, that’s how it all started. See you on Thursday."

Tegan and Turlough: "Goodbye."