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Ape Hurricane : Welcome everyone to the greatest night in the history of warfare. Welcome to the first ever Celebrity Death Zone. I’m Ape Hurricane alongside Jimmy "The Biceps" Venice. Jimmy Venice : It’s great to be here, Ape. I can’t wait for the carnage to begin. Ape Hurricane : Before the introductions get underway, we’ve got pre-recorded comments from tonight’s contestants. Ace : Listen bilge bag – I ain’t no little girl no more and I’m here to give you such a wicked beating that you ain’t never going to show your face around here again. People will think you’ve gone to Birmingham, donut. Adric : Why does everyone always pick on me? It’s not fair. All I want is to be liked. And now I’ve been scooped up at the moment of my heroic death and made to fight a silly little girl in a rugged environment. Ooh – is that a buffet I can see over there? Tell the silly little girl that I’ll be out in a few minutes. Munch munch… Ape Hurricane : And now it’s over to ring announcer Howard "The Kink" Kinkle. Kinkle : Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one life. Introducing first, weighing three hundred twenty two pounds, from Alzarius – The Man They Call… Adric. Crowd : Booooo. Kinkle : And making her way to the combat zone, from Perivale, weighing two hundred and five pounds, "The Ace" Dorothyyyyyyyyyy McShane. Crowd : Booooo. Ape Hurricane : There not even waiting for the bell, Jim, they’re at it already. Jimmy Venice : I gotta say that Adric’s best chance is an early win. I don’t think he’s got the stamina for a long match. Ape Hurricane : Adric is on top of her – very much not his usual tactic, Jim. Jimmy Venice : He’s trying to hit her but his hands are just waving about like a drowning child. Ape Hurricane : Ace is making a comeback… a wicked hair-based insult by Ace but it has no effect on Adric. Ace picks up a Cyberman’s arm and smashes it over Adric’s back. Jimmy Venice : You know that’s gonna hurt, Ape. Ape Hurricane : You can say that again. (pause for obvious joke) Ape Hurricane : Adric is crawling over to a cave. I don’t know what he expects to find in there. Jimmy Venice : Batman? Ape Hurricane : Will you stop! Wait! Who is that coming out of the cave? Jimmy Venice : It looks like Adric’s set Ace up. He’s got someone running interference for him. Ape Hurricane : It’s the Raston Warrior Robot. Jimmy Venice : No way! The Raston Warrior Robot lost a loser-leave-zone match last month on pay-per-view. This is some new guy. This must be Raston Warrior Robot II. Ape Hurricane : Good point, Jim. What do we know about this masked man? Jimmy Venice : My sources tell me that instead of detecting bodily movement, this guy can see into the future and will attack based on future career movement. Ape Hurricane : He’s not firing. He’s just starring at Ace and Adric and not doing anything. Jimmy Venice : Exactly. Ape Hurricane : Will you stop! Jimmy Venice : Adric is going over to Raston Warrior Robot II… I think he’s offering him a bit of pie that he stole from our buffet table. Ape Hurricane : I don’t think Mr Robot II will be so easily bought, Jim. Jimmy Venice : Adric seems to be whispering something to him. Can you lip-read, Ape? Ape Hurricane : It looks like he’s saying "Coroners" or "Kormas" or something. Jimmy Venice : The Robot has started firing at Ace. I guess she will get a job in the future then. Ape Hurricane : Ace is taking cover behind some rocks. She looks as if she’s getting something out of her rucksack. Jimmy Venice : I guess she’s feeling the heat – it’s a can of deodorant. Ape Hurricane : Will you stop! That’s not deodorant – that’s her finishing move – Nitro Nine. (bang) Ape Hurricane : Goodbye Mr Robot II. Crowd : Nah nah nah nah. Nah nah nah nah. Hey hey hey. Goodbye. Jimmy Venice : Wait – there’s a second Ace out there. Ape Hurricane : Will you stop! That’s not a second Ace – it’s a yeti. It must’ve been attracted by the smell of Adric’s pie. Jimmy Venice : The hairy monster is attacking Adric. The yeti distracted him. Ape Hurricane : Will you stop! The yeti is keeping its distance. Ace is pounding Adric from the backside with a baseball bat. Whose side is the yeti on? Jimmy Venice : Maybe the yeti is just sizing up potential future opponents. Maybe the yeti is gonna challenge the eventual Celebrity Death Zone champion. Ape Hurricane : That would be a main event anywhere in the country, Jim. Jimmy Venice : You got that right, Ape. I think this one is almost over. Adric has got a lotta padding but even that can’t save him from Ace and her bat. Ape Hurricane : Adric has started crying. Ace has stopped hitting him. She’s giving him a cuddle. Jimmy Venice : Oww – he hit her with a low blow. He really doesn’t know anything about women does he? Ape Hurricane : Ace has had enough. She’s setting him up for a big finish. She’s filling a pie with Nitro Nine while Adric lies face down on the ground. She’s feeding him the pie. Jimmy Venice : Now she’s running like her life depends on it… which of course it does. (bang) Kinkle : Ladies and gentlemen – the winner of the match… HAYYYYYYCE. Ape Hurricane : Ace is victorious… but wait… the yeti is taking off it’s head. Jimmy Venice : It’s the Brigadier! Ape Hurricane : What does this mean? What is the Brigadier doing dressed as a yeti? We’re outta time folks – join us next time for Celebrity Death Zone. For Jimmy "The Biceps" Venice, I’m Ape Hurricane saying so long everyone.
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