The Dullard Report

With Paul Dullard

“The Convention” part ten

Paul Dullard : (voice over) At the end of every day comes the evening which precedes the night and at the end of Gary Hatt’s long and winding road is the convention which precedes the night after the convention. Before he can relax in the knowledge of a job well done, it falls on his shoulders to ensure that he does a good job of making a mountain out of the mole hill he is currently faced with. His long time friend and casual assistant Mandy Mittens having gone off to fame and possibly fortune as an actress and only one ticket sold for his convention, Gary is strategising in the bar of the hotel with the two star guests.

Paul Dullard : So, Gary, how do you feel the convention is going?

Gary Hatt : I can’t believe how ungrateful people are.

Dennis Brent : You’re telling me – the proles are beneath contempt.

Gary Downie : Someone should teach them some manners. Nasty little poor people.

Gary Hatt : All I wanted to do was stage a spectacular convention and be the centre of attention. Is that so unreasonable?

Paul Dullard : So it’s not been…

Gary Hatt : I sold three tickets. THREE.

Paul Dullard : I thought there was only one person here.

Gary Hatt : There is – the other two cancelled after I tried to drum up support on the internet.

Paul Dullard : Ah.

Gary Hatt : I can’t believe how sensitive some people can be. You make one remark about how you hope that your convention won’t be full of sad speccy loser virgin geeks and people take offence. It was a joke. Well ok it wasn’t but they didn’t know that.

Paul Dullard : So nothing good came out of it?

Gary Hatt : Well one guy – "Jazza the Hutt" – said that if I’m ever in Northampton I can go round to his flat for a tuna casserole. I thought that was quite friendly. But mostly they’re vicious and stupid.

Dennis Brent : I find the exact same thing. You wouldn’t believe how many people say nasty things about me. They try to portray me as some kind of out of date fuddy duddy.

Gary Hatt : Absurd. One only has to look at you to see that you’re… well… you’re… that is to say… your trousers look quite... recent.

Dennis Brent : They are almost brand new. My previous pair perished.

Paul Dullard : Gosh… I mean how?

Dennis Brent : My personal physician, Doctor Flapjack, says I have abnormally corrosive sweat.

Gary Downie : That’s what you get for going to a professional man who knows what he’s talking about rather than asking the opinion of some pleb who works in Tesco.

Waiter : Right, gentlemen, who is Budweiser?

Gary Hatt : That would be me.

Waiter : Who is bitter?

Gary Downie & Dennis Brent : I am.

Paul Dullard : Actually that’s mine.

Waiter : Small sherry?

Dennis Brent : About bloody time.

Waiter : Slippery Nipple?

Gary Downie : Yes please.

Paul Dullard : You said that you had one paying guest actually in attendance – where is he? At least I assume he’s a he. Unless he’s a she.

Gary Hatt : He was really annoying so Mr Brent gave him a book on the condition that he went away.

Dennis Brent : I find it useful to carry around a couple of copies of "Lungbarrow" just in case the proles pester me.

Paul Dullard : Do you do many of these events?

Dennis Brent : Thanks to the private income left to me by my Uncle Gaylord I am able to afford to attend several events per month. My lectures have a keen following. Small but devoted.

Paul Dullard : Like a midget stalker?

Dennis Brent : I’m afraid I don’t understand humour.

Paul Dullard : Sorry. Mr Downie – I believe you are something of a rarity on the convention circuit?

Gary Downie : That’s true. I find ordinary people terribly depressing. I’m a psychotherapist now so I’ve been able to work through my feelings and determine that the root cause is all those fans. They’re jealous of me because I was a floor manager and they’re all floor moppers. ‘Spillage on isle two – Dr Who fan required to clean it up’.

Dennis Brent : Richly comic, Gary Downie.

Paul Dullard : So, Gary, will you be organising a second convention next year?

Gary Hatt : I haven’t decided that yet. I’ll have to think seriously about the ups and downs of this year’s event. I think the mistake I made this time was trying to juggle the editing of a popular fan produced magazine with the arranging of an event like this. I wasn’t able to put all my energies into one basket. And then there was the huge disruption caused by she that we won’t mention spitting in my face like a backstabber. That didn’t help at all.

Paul Dullard : Do you think you’ll lose money seeing as the convention was a fail… not entirely a success?

Gary Hatt : My dad told me that the solicitor he plays golf with says that we shouldn’t have to pay for the hotel because they’re closed for health and safety reasons. In fact he thinks we may be able to sue them for endangering our lives by placing us at risk.

Dennis Brent : I’m at risk? Dennis is in danger?

Gary Hatt : Ah…

Gary Downie : You’re just like all the others – if it’s not writing vicious attacks on John it’s luring me to a death trap.

Dennis Brent : Come on Mr Downie – let’s get out of here before a catastrophe occurs.

Gary Downie : I’m right behind you.

Dennis Brent : I’d rather you weren’t – what with you being a h-o-m-o-s-e-x-u-a-l and all that.

Gary Hatt : Shit. That wasn’t meant to happen.

Waiter : Can I get anyone another drink?

Gary Hatt : I’ll have another Budweiser.

Waiter : I don’t know if you know but there’s a rather greasy young man sitting by the bins swearing at a paperback book.

Gary Hatt : Right. He’s probably reached the bit about the Looms. Tell him it’s all make believe and if he doesn’t agree, call him a bastard and lock the kitchen door. I’m going up to my room for a… a while.

Paul Dullard : (voice over) And so, at the end of the day, all the hard work put in by Gary Hatt and his team has come to fruition. Although success would be too generous a word, failure would be too. It seems that not all paths are paved with gold and that at the end of every rainbow you will find nothing but a cloud that doesn’t have a silver lining.

Gary Hatt : Looking back at it all now I realise that the blame for the fiasco stops at the feet of one man. His incompetence and inability to cope with situations unsettled everyone around him and destroyed any chance the convention had of being a success. If I ever meet Paul Dullard again I’ll break his face.

THE END