The Dullard Report

With Paul Dullard

“The Convention” part nine

Paul Dullard : (voice over) There comes a time in the life of every partnership when one half finds themselves going up in the world and the other is left in the shadow of the first one as they speed upwards and out of sight. Unless they grab onto the coat tails and go along for the ride that is. Which is exactly what Gary Hatt appears to be doing although he denies it when he accompanies his long time friend who happens to be a girl but who is definitely not his girlfriend, Mandy Mittens to her big show biz break which she hopes will launch her into even greater heights than she’s already achieved by going up in the world, albeit with a passenger in tow. She’s come along to a recording studio that we can’t name for legal reasons to record a small but significant part in a Doctor Who story which will be heard by literally hundreds of people on compact disc and possibly even more through open windows, social gatherings and internet downloading.

Mandy Mittens : I can’t tell you how excited I am.

Paul Dullard : Oh right. I won’t ask then.

Mandy Mittens : You can if you want to.

Paul Dullard : No no, it would probably be a waste of tape. I’ll move on to my second question.

Mandy Mittens : Okey dokey.

Paul Dullard : Oh wait, that was my second question.

Mandy Mittens : Well ask your first question then.

Paul Dullard : How are you?

Mandy Mittens : I’m really excited.

Paul Dullard : Hang on, you’ve just answered my second question after all.

Mandy Mittens : Oops – silly little me.

Paul Dullard : So how are you, excitement excluded?

Mandy Mittens : I’m fine. I’ve got a bit of a cold but it’s no big deal.

Paul Dullard : Good – now we’re back on track. Question three – are you at all worried that you might catch the cold that’s going round… drat.

Mandy Mittens : Sorry.

Paul Dullard : No, it’s fine. Really.

Mandy Mittens : Ask me some more questions – I’m feeling a bit nervous and it’s nice to have you to distract me.

Paul Dullard : Are you feeling nerv… no – you’ve done that one. How do you feel about me coming with you on your big day… no – you’ve answered that one too.

Mandy Mittens : Oh dear – I’m awfully sorry. Never mind – Gary will be here soon so you can ask him lots of questions.

Paul Dullard : Will Gary be here today… right, that’s it, the interview is over. I’ve run out of questions without having asked any.

Mandy Mittens : Still, I bet it’s made good television.

Paul Dullard : We’re on the radio.

Mandy Mittens : So what’s the camera for?

Paul Dullard : I thought he was a friend of yours.

Mandy Mittens : Nope.

Paul Dullard : Who the heck are you? You’ve been following us for six weeks.

Camera Man : Ah – are you not Louis Theroux?

Paul Dullard : Um no – I’m Paul Dullard.

Camera Man : Shit.

Paul Dullard : (voice over) With the proper actors and female actors rehearsing their lines, Mandy is being given a tour of the studio by one of the production team.

Man : This is Mr Russell.

Gary Russell : Good morning, Melanie.

Mandy Mittens : Hi Gary.

Gary Russell : It’s Mister Russell actually.

Mandy Mittens : Hi Mr Russell.

Gary Russell : You’ll be required in studio at 11.57 precisely. I’d change that T-shirt if I were you – it’ll distract the other artistes and spoil my wonderful play. Go along to the wardrobe department and Nick Briggs will find you something more suitable. Be gone.

Man : And through here is the musical director.

Nick Briggs : Hi – I’m Nick Briggs.

Mandy Mittens : Hello.

Man : And along this corridor is the director’s booth.

Nick Briggs : Hello – I’m Nick Briggs.

Mandy Mittens : Weren’t you…?

Man : And if we go a bit further still we’ll come to the green room where the actors not being used at the moment come to relax.

Nick Briggs : Hello – Nick Briggs – pleased to meet you.

Mandy Mittens : I’m confused.

Nick Briggs : Ask Nick Briggs – he’ll explain everything.

Man : This is the catering table where we have coffee, tea, sandwiches and biscuits for the artistes to enjoy.

Mandy Mittens : That’s a fine array of puddings.

Man : Don’t touch those – they’re Colin Baker’s. He’s counted them.

Nick Briggs : I saw him lick them earlier. By the way, we haven’t met, I’m Nick Briggs.

Mandy Mittens : This is getting very weird.

Man : If you follow me we’ll go and meet the writer of the play. He’ll be in the car park trying to find a way to sneak into the studio without Mr Russell seeing him.

Nick Briggs : Good morning my dear – I’m Nick Briggs.

Man : Nick’s written us a splendid script haven’t you?

Nick Briggs : I wouldn’t say that.

Nick Briggs : I would.

Nick Briggs : Well YOU would.

Mandy Mittens : I’m beginning to miss Gary – even he wasn’t this odd.

Man : (telephone rings) Hello? What? Where? Right.

Mandy Mittens : Problem?

Man : Nick Briggs has caught someone trying to get into the studio without a pass. Mr Russell wants me to find Nick Briggs and chuck this intruder out. He might be one of Baggs’ people on a spying mission.

Mandy Mittens : Right – let’s go.

Man : If you see Nick Briggs, tell him we’ve gone to meet Nick Briggs.

Nick Briggs : Will do.

Paul Dullard : (voice over) The recording session over, Mandy is tending to the wounds that are currently all over Gary Hatt’s face, body and limbs following his rather brutal removal from the recording studio that we are unable to name for obvious reasons.

Gary Hatt : I am literally in pain. I think I’ve got brain damage – I kept seeing multiple Nick Briggses.

Mandy Mittens : It was the strangest thing – I kept…

Gary Hatt : Don’t be selfish, Mandy, we were talking about me. I can’t understand what happened – all I said was “My name is Gary Hatt” and they started beating me up.

Mandy Mittens : Don’t think of it as a bad thing – at least it means you’re becoming well known within fan circles.

Gary Hatt : That’s true.... what do you mean?

Mandy Mittens : Did you get chance to ask anyone to come to your convention before they kicked you and kicked you and then kicked you out?

Gary Hatt : No.

Mandy Mittens : It’s not too late to cancel – you’ve sold one ticket and you’ve got one celebrity guest. The fifty pounds you’ve gained doesn’t off set the five hundred and fifty you’ve got to pay Gary Downie.

Gary Hatt : I’ve got one last feather in my sleeve. (Dials number) Hello? Is that Mr Brent? It’s Gary Hatt from the Terradon One convention. I’m finalising the guest list and I was wondering if your offer still stands? Five hundred? In cash? Well bring it along with you and you’ll get second top billing. Marvellous. What? No I’m not a homosexual, I’m just choosy.

NEXT WEEK

Gary Hatt : (clip) Watch this – Landlord – three glasses of water and make them doubles. How much? For three glasses of water? Forget it – I’ll use the tap in the gents. I assume you don’t charge for empty glasses?